First Comes Love, Then comes Marriage…

IVF Update and WTF Appointment

2012-01-09T16:25:00.002-05:00

I began spotting Monday 7dp3dt two little red specks followed by pink discharge on my endometrin applicator it went away but by Thursday night (10dp3dt) I had watery dark red spotting. I just knew it was over. I called my IVF Coordinator and asked if I could come in the following day (Friday) even though my beta was scheduled for Monday. I couldn't wait an entire weekend for the inevitable.

I cried most of Thursday night even though I tried my best to prepare for the negative beta. Actually throughout the entire 2ww I *thought* I was preparing myself for the worst, turns out you can never prepare enough. I am sad for the two beautiful embryos that I spoke to daily did not become our children. I wondered what was wrong with me. I felt it was my fault that we did not become pregnant - I appologized over and over to Tom who reassured me that it was no one's fault.

Friday Morning came around we sat in the office and I thought that I felt stronger, I kept repeating to myself "it will be okay, we are okay". Maddie our IVF coordinator came in to the waiting area and asked how we were... My eyes welled up and I shrugged and nodded my head blinking back the tears.

Tom stood by my side during the blood draw and I felt like I had regained my composure. I guess a nurse we had seen before passed by and asked how we were - Tom shurgged and said that I had began bleeding - It was so sad to see him heartbroken I felt the warmth run over my face and again I had to choke back the tears.

Because we were part of a clinical trial, I had to complete a physical and ultrasound (even we all knew it was over). The PA that took care of me when we had our retrieval/transfer did my physical. She had me take a couple of deep breaths to check my lungs then asked if I was all right - I lost it, started bawling... It was so embarassing.

The doctor told the nurse he would speak to us if we wanted. WE WANTED (especially since we live a couple of hours away and I didn't want to come all the way back for this appointment - my friends on the infertility board call this the WTF appointment - I see why it is called that now).

Dr. Sanchez said that he is completely surprised that we were sitting there discussing a negative pregnancy test. He said we had 70% chance of getting pregnant with our first IVF because of everything throughout the IVF was perfect. He said I would be a great egg donor, that Tom's sperm fertilized the eggs naturally and easily, that we had 100% fertilization, that the embryos were fantastic and that if we would have put back three instead of two we would be having a totally different conversation - being pregnant and scared of triplets.

Tom asked if everything is perfect than why can't we get pregnant on our own, why didn't the IVF work we must be missing something. Dr. S said that he believes although my tubes are clear with the HSG that the sperm and egg are not finding each other on a normal cycle. The IVF he believes failed because 50% of all embryos are chromosomally abnormal.

We also found out that the nurse gave me a wrong report. The embryos that they did not freeze was because they did not make it to the blastocyst phase they were morulas on day 5. I asked the him if there was a chance that possibly the ones we transferred (3 day transfer because that is all this office does) did not make it to the blastocyst phase, but he didn't think that was the case.

I asked if there could be something wrong with me and my uterus where the embryos do not implant. The doctor again said no. My lining was great (still want to Google on this... Dr Sanchez also said that no additional testing is necessary before we try with our 3 frosties (frozen embryos). They freeze all three together so they would all need to be defrosted and hopefully we would have two make it out of freeze... if so he said he still would only want to transfer two, but that would be our decision on what to do with the third.

Tom and I discussed it and think we will still transfer all three when we cycle.

I am so scared that the Frozen cycle will not work either and we only have one shot left since all three frosties are frozen together. If they weren't then I probably would have transferred one at a time so we had more shots at a BFP. I am too scared we would lose some trying to re-freeze and thaw. However Dr Sanchez is confident that the FET will work.

If for some reason the frozen cycle is a bust Tom and I will save money for cycles with Dr. T who is local and discuss with him the possibility of genetic testing on our embryos.

IF SUCKS! ~Emily

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise

2011-11-10T16:25:00.001-05:00

Monday, November 7th was our 3dt. On Saturday we received our fertilization report, but still had no idea what we would have still going strong until we arrived at the office. We were preparing ourselves for bad news while praying for good news. We had decided on the ride over that I would be happy with 8-10 out of the 16 and Tom being optimistic said we are shooting for double digits. Our IVF nurse met us in the lobby and told us they weren’t quite ready yet but to go ahead and take the valium. Then she mentioned that everything looked fantastic – so I asked “do you have the numbers?” She said we had

Three 8 Cell 0% Fragmented
Nine 8 Cell 5% Fragmented
Two 8 Cell 10% Fragmented
One 12 Cell 5% Fragmented
One 6 Cell 10% Fragmented

Which meant all 16 were still alive! I just squeezed Tom’s hand… we were both speechless! Not only are they all still alive but 14 were 8 cell – the exact size they should be at 3 days past retrieval. We had one Speedy Gonzalez and one who was a little bit lagging… BUT THEY WERE ALL STILL ALIVE – PRAISE GOD!

They brought us back into the same room we waited in before the ER. Again we sat staring at the framed collage of babies on the wall. The IVF Nurse came in and said that they were running behind and that we should be able to start our ET in about 10 minutes. Tom and I wondered if it was the same couple who made our ER run late as well (joking about it kept our mind off of what we were doing, what we were waiting on). I was floating – not only because of the wonderful embryo report but because of all of the water I had drank before the appointment (You must come in with a full bladder for the ET) and boy was mine full!

Finally it was our turn. I returned to the same bathroom with a line of lockers – my locker was available, Locker #2 I though this must be good luck! This time I was able to keep my jewelry on as well as my garments above the waist. I wrapped another robe around my body and returned to the room that just three days before I was there to remove my eggs that are now beautiful embryos! I was greeted by Tom, the RE, and the embryologist (Seth). Seth had to come in and talk to us in person, he said that we kept him busy and we had wonderful eggs and sperm. He believed that we would have 10 to freeze. The doctor also congratulated us on what we had already accomplished. Tom asked why we haven’t been able to get pregnant on our own or with IUI before. Dr. Sanchez stated that sometimes even though my tubes seem clear the sperm do not make there way up, the egg doesn’t make there way down etc. Sometimes we just never find out the reason why we cannot get pregnant on our own. Dr. Sanchez also said that if we ever for whatever reason decided to do another fresh IVF cycle (instead of a Frozen cycle) we would not need ICSI!

So then it was time to begin. I scooted down the chair to get into the perfect position. Dr. Sanchez comment on my perfect uterus and my very full bladder. The nurse pressed down the very cold ultrasound to my lower abdomen… she pressed down from the outside and the doctor pressed up from the inside. He attempted a few different things to get a good angle and decided that my bladder was TOO full. Right then the embryologist stuck his head out of a little cubby hole that is in the wall between the embryologist room and the retrieval/transfer room, to see if the Doctor was ready to be handed my precious embryos. I couldn’t help but imagine the Wizard from the Wizard of Oz sticking his head out of the door to the Emerald City and chuckled to myself. The doctor explained to Seth, the embryologist, that I had to empty “ a little “ out. Oh, sure Doc no problem… I was actually kind of happy as I skipped down the hall to the restroom looking forward to relieving a bit of the pressure. I was always told not to stop peeing once you have started as that will cause urinary tract infections, so this was not something I was accustomed to. TMI Warning: I let a little out, but still had to go pretty badly, so I let a little more out and began to panic – how much do I let out, have I already let out too much? Will I have to drink more? Oh, well what is done is done; I will just see what the ultrasound says. So I walked back to the transfer room questioning my urinating abilities. The Doctor was no longer in the room but the nurse checked to see what she thought and said we should be good so she went to get the doctor to try again.

Dr. Sanchez returned and explained to both Tom and I that he wanted it to go perfectly, whether that mean I urinate a little or drink more – he wanted to ensure the best possible transfer. I smiled at Tom and we both shook our head in agreement with the doctor. The doctor then said everything looked okay to proceed. I felt a lot of pressure, and kept my eyes closed thinking of accepting these beautiful rockstar embryos into my womb, and at other times I looked at Tom who was stretching to see the ultrasound pictures (he thought my bladder was my uterus so he wasn’t much help LOL). It took a lot longer than IUI’s did, and I appreciate him strategically placing the embryos into my uterus. He printed two pictures (one for my file and one for Tom and I to take home) of our embryos being placed into my uterus. It was the most beautiful picture that I had ever seen. I spent the rest of the day in bed with the love of my life, my furbaby and our two precious embryos.

CD 44 / CD15
Day 7 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
It doesn’t matter the time of day, with or without meals this sucks!
Day 2 Endometrin (100mg three times daily)
So Easy, but not the most convenient thing in the world

CD 44 / CD16
Day 8 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
Yuck!
Day 3 Endometrin (100mg three times daily)
Oink oink I will be a pig – because I am eating everything in sight!

Somewhere over the rainbow, Skies are blue, And the dreams that you dare to dream, Really do come true. ~ Dorothy: Wizard of Oz

Ring Ring

2011-11-09T12:04:00.003-05:00

We found out on Saturday November 5th that out of the 17 eggs retrieved, 16 were mature and ALL 16 fertilized. I remember hugging Tom in our living room and sobbing on his shoulder. It was better than what we could have ever imagined. We didn’t have solid numbers but it didn’t matter we had 16 little embryos with both of our genes sitting in Petri dishes two hours away. That was something in the past four years we weren’t sure could happen.

CD 43 / CD14
Day 7 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
I have 16 embryos – I don’t care how crappy it makes me feel… I am on top of the world!
Day 1 Endometrin (100mg three times daily)
Still doing pretty good with this white pill.

Even miracles can take a little time ~ Fairy Godmother (Cinderella)

Retrieval Day

2011-11-09T11:37:00.003-05:00

The day of the retrieval I had an odd sense of calm, going in. I was concerned about what the quality and quantity of eggs that would be retrieved, but I knew in my heart I did everything in my power to grow the eggs that could some day be our ½ of our child(ren). I wore my white velour hoodie and yoga pants that I wore the day of our wedding (who cares if it was after Labor Day-I live in Fl people, we wear white all year long), along with a brightly colored tank that was pink, blue, aqua and lime green striped (I didn’t want to wear pink or blue, and green was my Great-Grandmother’s favorite color – I wanted to represent everyone), and some comfy Dr. Scholl’s flip flops. I packed the car for the ride home with plenty of water, crackers, vanilla wafers, a pillow and a comfy blanket… and we were off. Tom and I barely spoke on the ride there about what our morning would bring. It was a rainy Friday, and although we didn’t speak about the retrieval I thought about how I was born on a rainy morning and how are child(ren) would be conceived on the same type of day – that had to be good luck! The ER scheduled before me was late, she had problems getting there because of the rain, Tom and I wondered if she had a two hour commute too, but tried to cut our anticipation down by looking at the framed collage of baby pictures that hung in the room they placed us in to wait as we held hands. We signed our waivers, met the anesthesiologist and then it was time. The IVF nurse showed me to the restroom that had lockers that I could place all of my belongings and valuables. I closed the door and began to undress, placing everything in Locker#2. Before placing my wedding rings and my Great-Grandmothers ring in my purse I kissed them for luck and closed the locker door. I stood in front of the mirror placed on the bathroom door and stared at myself wearing a maroon hospital gown. I was staring at a face of an excited, anxious, worried woman who was finally going to conceive her child(ren). Tom was waiting in the surgery room with the nurse and anesthesiologist. I handed him the key to Locker#2 and sat down on the chair. The anesthesiologist began by hooking me up to the heart monitors, blood pressure cuff and finger oxygen meter and proceeded to give me oxygen. Tom noticed that I was not wearing my socks… he didn’t want my feet to get cold so he went to get my socks and then put them on for me. Another reason why I have the best husband, he is my prince charming, my soul mate and my best friend. The anesthesiologist joked about giving me the Michael Jackson drug (since the trial was still going on during this day). It was time for Tom to kiss me and leave me in the hands of the RE. The doctor laid the chair back and raised it up while I positioned myself on the chair/table hybrid with the knee stirrups. I was asked to take a couple of deep breaths… I remember thinking okay they better make sure I am asleep before they start. The next thing I know Tom is standing beside me and they are finished with the retrieval. It seemed so quick to me. Tom stroked my hair as I regained full consciousness which didn’t take long. I sat up soon after and we were told that out of the 17 follicles we knew were growing they retrieved 17 eggs!!! I had to finish the IV of liquid before I was able to leave, and was on bed rest for the entire day. However I was also famished, and asked Tom to stop at Cracker Barrel since we had a two hour drive home I knew I couldn’t make it all the way home on just the crackers that I had packed. I hobbled into the restaurant and was served quickly! I felt like I really needed to reward myself with yummy veggies before spending the rest of the day in bed. Tom and I spent the entire day in bed watching movies. It was such a nice day together – that we will NEVER forget!

CD 42 / CD13
Day 6 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
Because I couldn’t eat in the morning, I thankfully missed my morning dose although I took it in the afternoon. I am happy I am over half way done with this nasty aqua pill
Day 1 Endometrin (100mg three times daily)
Not too bad, so far no side effects!

Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway.~Mary Kay Ash~

Ultrasound, Blood Work & Repeat

2011-11-03T12:37:00.003-04:00

After Friday I was scheduled to return 4 days later for a second look at my growing ovaries and the lovely follicles that filled them. The night before my scheduled scan I had intense pinching feeling in my ovaries that only worsened as the night went on especially when I stood. I was so very concerned that this was ovulation cramping. The following morning we drove to see what exactly was going on with our cycle. Thankfully I was wrong! Our follies were growing and my E2 showed I had room for a little more growth. I had to return the next morning for another look-see.

I was aware that my IVF Coordinator would be absent from this appointment the following day. I was kind of surprised in the difference of care between two ladies, and appreciate who I have up until today been coordinated by. It wasn’t that today’s nurse/IVF Coordinator was rude or unprofessional but she was very quick and kind of seemed lost. I have thin veins that they always have a difficult time taking from. This nurse decides to have a phlebotomy student draw my blood. Which I do not mind, however this student decided to use a large needle instead of a butterfly that even the most experienced phlebotomists have to use. While she was getting my arm ready, the student asked the nurse to double check that she was choosing a ‘good vein’. I just looked at the nurse who then looked at me and said “don’t worry you aren’t her first patient”. The student then stuck my arm and went per the nurse “too far” needless to say it hurt quite badly… After showing me how to mix the HCG she was ready to get rid of me. I then explained to the nurse that I have to travel two hours to my appointment and have not had my morning injection, my nurse lets me use a conference room she said okay and left me in the phlebotomy room. Tom and I began mixing the meds and started to inject the Lupron into my leg (pants down around my knees) only to have wallpaper contractor walk in. I don’t think that he saw anything… but I couldn’t believe that she wouldn’t make sure no one came in. She then told me that I might have to come back tomorrow depending on my E2 results and that she would call. She really didn’t seem to want to be ‘bothered’ with us. It was quick and she barely provided any information.

5 hours pass and finally I call to see what is going on. She said that my E2 levels were higher than what they had anticipated (4,428 from 2,312 the previous day) and that I should only take ½ a dose of the HCG and ER would be scheduled for Friday. She didn’t go into detail but from what I gathered from my friend Google the dosage is dropped to hopefully avoid OHSS.

Throughout our IUIs Tom had given me my injections… for some reason during our IVF I had him give me my injection only once. I am not even sure why, as I always thought that him giving me my injections kept him involved in the process. So tonight I had him give me my HCG Trigger shot. We disagreed on the location of where we were told the injection should be. So we ventured onto the computer for Youtube videos and found a couple to remind us the perfect spot. I iced my bottom and felt nothing more than a quick sting, and that was it 36 hours later a doctor would be harvesting the eggs that might one day be ½ of our child.

Tomorrow is my ER. I am excited, nervous, anxious and… scared - not about the procedure itself, but the results. We have waited so long to be here and I almost wish I could ‘pause’ for a little longer before tomorrow. I am so concerned about the quantity and quality of eggs. I have always yearned for an explanation for our infertility… but I will never be ready for bad news regarding our fertility.

CD 39 / CD10
Day 16 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
Injection in the office & finished my first vial. I have been given a second vial.
Day 9 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
Its working! Today’s scan showed that we are close to our Egg Retrieval.
Day 3 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
Oatmeal helped with the morning dose… no nausea!

CD 40 / CD11
Day 17 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
A gentleman who was hired to hang wall paper walked in as I had my jeans around my knees in the phlebotomy room… Tom swears he didn’t see anything as he was close to the door. I kind of like that my last Lupron injection went out with a bang LOL.
Day 10 of Menopur (75iu subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
Today is my last day of stims. It is almost like saying “good bye” to a friend… I have gotten so use to giving myself a daily injection it has become part of my morning routine.
Day 4 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
I really hate this antibiotic… remind me if I ever get sick in the future to make sure that the doctor doesn’t prescribe me this antibiotic.
Novarel HCG Trigger (1ml, IM injection)
I quickly became accustomed to the shallow subQ shots… and missed them dearly when I saw the 25 gage 1 ½” long needle. We have moved on from the tiny needle placed delicately in my stomach or upper thigh, to the behind, through the skin and into the muscle. The nurse had quickly showed on herself (over her clothes) the optimal spot for this injection. However when it was time… Tom and I disagreed on this spot. Time was quickly approaching so thankfully youtube came to the rescue! I iced my bum and Tom did the injection. I am happy to report that it didn’t really hurt just a little sting.

CD 41 / CD12
Day 5 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
Yuck! That is all I have to say!

Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. You can't see the future, yet you know it will come; you can't see the air, yet you continue to breathe. ~ Claire London

IVF Meds Update

2011-10-31T12:59:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow will be our second follie check. The IVF Coordinator said that she believed after speaking with the RE after our scan on Friday that we would not have our ER until a week from today. I honestly cannot imagine going so long, and am concerned about what tomorrow's appointment will bring. I just hope that I haven't waited too long, I wish I would have gone in today instead... Trying to relax and have positive thoughts!

CD 36 / CD7
Day 13 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
A little red mark which seems to be normal, and I am pretty used to the itching/mosquito bite feeling
Day 6 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
I really began feeling bloated today! Grow follies grow!

CD 37 / CD8
Day 14 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
It is the never ending vial of meds. I am still using the original vial of Lupron. I cannot believe I have taken 210 units of Lupron out of this vial so far… and it still has some left!
Day 7 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
HOT FLASHES! Up until today I really haven’t had any side effects besides at the injection location. Today I felt awful, and although my skin was cool to the touch I was burning up!
Day 1 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
First day of antibiotics, Tom has been on them for five days and has complained every day that his stomach hasn’t felt well. He doesn’t do well on medicine so I really didn’t think much about it except for feeling sorry for him… well now I understand what he means… this little blue pill packs a big punch. If you are prescribed this with your IVF make sure that take this with food.

CD 38 / CD9
Day 15 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
No side effects that I have noticed…(I still have not emptied this little vial – I don’t know why I am so amazed by this)
Day 8 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
I have been experiencing major twinge/pinches in ovary area. I emailed my IVF coordinator who assured me it just means that my follies are getting nice and big and said she would see me in the A.M. I cannot imagine that I could possibly go a week from today before ER.
Day 2 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
Didn’t take my own advice and eat with my morning dose - total mistake NAUSEA!

Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, In a most delightful way ~ Mary Poppins

A Goldilocks Frame of Mind

2011-10-28T16:24:00.002-04:00

Today was my first follie check/scan. The tech is quick and I am not even sure she found and measured them all. Maybe I am just used to my RE in Orlando who takes his time and shows me the follies as we go through. I kind of feel like a spy as I stretch to see what she writes on the file. 8 on one side and 9 on the other… and some more smaller ones that she did not count nor measure. The IVF Coordinator said that she expects for the RE to harvest 15 eggs with all of the same quality and size, which is exactly what they want. She explained that they do not want too many or too little and that 15 is “JUST RIGHT” I feel like Goldilocks. Our next Follie Check will be on Tuesday. This is just another lesson on “how to relinquish control and trust in the doctors”. As my research and heart tells me that follies grow 1-3mm each day… and the perfect size for the trigger shot is between 15-20mm, so triggering in 7 days seems like it is too late. However my brain and common sense is that I am not a doctor. Thus I am going to try and not outsmart my common sense. Anytime I feel unsure about the doctors decision I will repeat to myself not too early, not too late, not too many, not too little “JUST RIGHT”.

CD 35 / CD6
Day 12 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
“JUST RIGHT”
Day 5 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
My needle broke off and stabbed me in the thumb. Here I am trying to look like a pro in front of the IVF Coordinator and she had to get a band aid since it refused to stop bleeding. She also brought me extra needles to last until my next appt. which is three shots away (Tuesday). Unscrewed the needle and put a new one on and we were good to go. Tom gave me my injection since I was too busy nursing my thumb. This is the first injection he has given me this cycle. He is a pro – the injection was quick and painless.

If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up. ~ Deepak Chopra

Regaining Control of the Uncontrollable

2011-10-28T14:29:00.002-04:00

There is only one thing that you know for sure while going through your IVF cycle and that is you cannot control ANYTHING. Not your baseline u/s antral follie count, not your E2 levels, not how many follies you will have, not how many eggs they will be able to retrieve, now how many eggs will fertilize, not how many embryos will mature, not how many embryos will survive and definitely not how many will implant.

It isn’t like I need to be in control of every situation. However the overwhelming feeling of having absolutely no control over anything leaves you demanding to be included in the decisions of your own fate. No matter how many times you tell everyone (including yourself) that you are leaving it in God’s hands, that what ever that happens is ‘meant’ to happen… deep down you long for feeling like you had a hand-in helping things go your way.

Maybe it is just my Type A personality but I never expected to get this type of satisfaction from my daily injections. Organizing my meds, preparing and administering the daily injection lets me feel as if I am in control. Maybe it is because I have wanted and waited so long to have an IVF Cycle that I feel as if I need to embrace and savor each moment. If I have faith that God has for some reason or another decided this is the road we must go down to become parents and has given the knowledge so that doctors can help us conceive... Then my only job is to prepare my body for pregnancy and that includes my daily injections. I am thankful that he has given me this task so that my idle hands will not Google and I will feel ‘involved’ in the process.

CD 33 / CD4
Day 10 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
Expect the unexpected… this morning I prepared both my Lupron injection and the Menopur+Bravelle injection. I had them both ready to go sitting on the table as I mapped out the best possible location for today’s injections. Alcohol swabbed and ready to go I pinched my skin and looked at the needle IT WAS BENT! I am not sure how but it was… So I injected the Lupron back into the vial and grabbed a new syringe. I am so happy I have a few extra syringes
Day 3 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
Besides a little burning, and swelling around the injection site I did not have any real side effects today.

CD 34 / CD5
Day 11 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
Ouch! My first choice of an injection site this morning wasn’t agreeable. I tried sticking myself with the needle only to find that it wouldn’t go in… the second spot was much better and it went in just fine. I guess I just have more muscle at this particular spot of my thigh. I have a little welt from where I first tried to stick myself, but the second spot and actual injection location feels fine. Just shows that you never totally are a pro no matter how many injections you have given yourself.
Day 4 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
Today’s injection didn’t burn as much as it has previously.

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will. ~ Epictetus

IVF is a Numbers Game

2011-10-26T16:27:00.004-04:00

I held my husbands hand as he drove us 2 hours through 4 counties, a few cities and multiple little towns to our baseline appointment. I found myself quietly running crappy scenarios through my head. I was afraid that AF just showed up for a couple of hours the day before for no good reason at all and that I had not suppressed, that I would not have any antral follies and that I would be disqualified for the clinical trial. I was hoping for the best and preparing myself for bad news.

I found on the internet that E2 should be below 50 and the lower the number the better response for stimulation. http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/hormonelevels.html
Mine was 21.8 (Tom’s lucky number is 22 so we will just say it is 22)

During my internet hunt for info, I also found out how many antral follies I should have (16-30 had the best outcome) http://www.advancedfertility.com/antralfollicles.htm so you can imagine my frustration with the tech did not want to count all of my follies. Wanting not to seem like a crazy person I hinted instead of demanding that I wanted to know exactly how many, but she just said that I had a good amount and all were around 4-6mm. Didn’t she know that it is important to know how many?? However I saw her write on the chart mindlessly 4mm 4mm 4mm 4mm 4mm 5mm 6mm for both ovaries – I am not going to over think this one since it appeared that this seemed like a formality to her and just a job requirement to jot something down.

Our next appointment and first follie check will be on Friday. It was supposed to be Saturday but the IVF coordinator called to change it. Although I was looking forward to a weekend visit (because of the drive and missing work) I am happy to have the appointment pushed up so I can get a glimpse into this cycle. I hope for many follies but I pray that at least one egg will become ½ of our child.

CD 31 / CD2
Day 8 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
We went from 20 units down to 10 units today.
Day 1 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
We mix one 75iu vial of Menopur with two 75iu vials of Bravelle and 1cc of sodium chloride into one syringe. It burned a little, but it was a sadly familiar feeling from having used Menopur during our IUI cycles. It was just a little sore at the injection site, no other side effects.

CD 32 / CD3
Day 9 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
It seemed as if a drop of Lupron mixed with blood came out at the injection site. Surprisingly other than just a quick acknowledgement I didn’t panic. Luckily no bruise appeared later in the day. I am still getting headaches late in the night but thankfully no migraines like earlier into the injections.
Day 2 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
First day on my own mixing without supervision, well besides my Husband who sat on the couch that kept asking if I needed help… but I didn’t, I was prepared and partially excited to do it on my own. The injection burned and about a half inch around the injection was swollen for most of the day. I had cramps later in the day and felt a little bloated.

The heart does not calculate in numbers; it confers contentment which is immeasurable. That contentment can arise only through faith ~Atharva Veda

Happy Birthday Austin!

2011-10-26T11:40:00.002-04:00

Our furbaby, Austin turned 12 on Saturday. Orange, hairy and four legged or not - no matter what anyone says he will always be our first born and “Mama’s baby”. It is so difficult for me that he is getting older and is considered a senior puppy; although Austin is still pretty vigor and acts like he did 6 years ago! I will spoil him every day, and appreciate every day we have with him.

CD29
Day 6 of Lupron (20units, supQ injection)
I woke up, took my injection and went straight back to bed- if it itched or hurt I wouldn’t know because I slept right through it. That is one thing about scheduling injections so early to go along with the work week… you can never sleep in on the weekends. Although AF wasn’t supposed to arrive until 7-10 days after starting Lupron, I started spotting and cramping this evening… (Wondered/worried if I gave my injection too low on my leg, not even sure if that is possible)

CD30 / CD1
Day 7 of Lupron (20units, supQ injection)
I woke up to full on AF although it was lighter later in the day. After texting with the IVF Coordinator we were told to come in for our baseline appt. on Monday, hoping and praying I am suppressed enough to remain in the clinical trial and begin stimming. Horrible Migraine in the evening!

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras

Music to My Ears

2011-10-21T12:19:00.003-04:00

Last night we received a call from my step-father at about 7:00pm. He works the night shift and said that one of his employees had Sugarland tickets for a concert that would start in 30 minutes that they couldn’t attend, and wanted to know if we would like to go. Free tickets… for a concern in our new arena… a night out of the house? We were in! So we both quickly got ready and off we went. It was an awesome concert! If you like Sugarland, you must see them live, they put on a fabulous show! Kristian Bush actually gave out a guitar during the concert that was signed by Jennifer Nettles to a little girl in the stands (so sweet) he even walked it to her himself.

Maybe it is because we are starting IVF, but I found myself relating some of the lyrics to their songs to infertility. It just shows that no matter where you are, no matter how hard you try to forget, infertility follows.

Little Miss ~ "Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win, It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, It'll be alright again"

Just Might ~ "But if you can look in my eyes, and tell me we'll be alright, If you promise never to leave, You just might make me believe"

Stand Up ~ "There's a comfort, there's a healing, High above the pain and sorrow, Change is coming, can you feel it, Calling us into a new tomorrow?"

CD 27
Day 4 of Lupron (20units, supQ injection)
Well, maybe I don’t have it down packed. No bruising but it did bleed a bit. I had a headache this afternoon, although I am not sure if it is related. I wake up before my husband so rather than having a man who is half a sleep stab me with a needle I give myself the injection… I think this weekend I will let him join in on the fun.

CD28
Day 5 of Lupron (20units, supQ injection)
No crazy dreams but I did wake up with a headache. Today’s injection was much better, no bleeding, no bruising, no pain… just a little itching.

Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music. ~Ronald Reagan

MISSION: Optimism

2011-10-19T13:18:00.003-04:00

I need to learn how to not let negativity and doubt flood my thoughts. Anytime I explain the IVF process, a little voice in my head follows with something negative… it is possible that my Google-ing addiction is to blame. You see, I have found myself submerging myself into other ladies experiences with IVF. Case in point, DH and I are running errands and we were discussing IVF and Lupron and our next appointment. So as I explain how Lupron is suppressing my ovaries, and how the blood work next appointment will confirm that I have been suppressed correctly so that I can start the stimms and begin making follies/eggs J… just as I finish this statement, a little voice says “yes as long as you are not over stimulated” ~ stupid know-it-all voice! I cannot say that I am totally pessimistic, I am hopeful that this IVF will work and that this will be the answer to our prayers. Sometimes I pointlessly walk into the spare bedroom just to imagine how nursery furniture would be arranged, I do math in my head to try and figure out a due date, and I dream of how we would announce our pregnancy. However, the other part of me doesn’t want to get my hopes up, I want to be a realist so that if it does not work, than my entire world will not feel like it is completely crumbling around me. After all in the four years of trying to conceive we have never achieved and a pregnancy at this point it is feels impossible. Although, if it doesn’t work I am not sure being a realist will protect me from being completely devastated. But, if I am going to be a realist than I have to also know that other than properly taking the meds as I am prescribed, I have no control of whether this IVF will work or not. I must have faith because no one got anywhere with negativity. I have to leave it in the hands of God because he is the only one who knows for sure. So from this point forward call me cautiously optimistic.

CD26
Day 24 of BCP (Loestrin24)
A bit nauseous, nothing new – last pill tonight!!
Day 3 of Lupron (20units, subQ injection)
Preparing the syringe and letting it sit for a few minutes before
injecting it really seemed to help! No burning, no itching and no
bruising. By George I think I’ve got the hang of this!

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. ~ Winston Churchill

Googling + Family Generosity + Love = Our Surprise IVF

2011-10-18T09:39:00.015-04:00

I have been a bad blogger – this I know. But when your blog is overcoming infertility, and you are on a break from treatments, you get writers block and I just so happened to have had a couple of years of writers block. DH lost his job, I lost both of my Great-Grandmothers and we had lost our hope of ever affording IVF. My life didn’t apply to the blog I had began to document our infertility journey.

I am so happy to report that I am back to blogging which means that we are beginning IVF (I am in utter disbelief, even as I type this). I keep thinking we are beginning IVF#1 (ladies normally add a # behind their IVF even for their first), but NO I say that we are starting IVF with no definitive number, because one number normally follows another... and this WILL be the IVF that will begin our family ~ how do you like that for optimism?!?

~How this ‘Surprise’ IVF began~
Since DH has been unemployed, I have been Google-ing daily along with his job search for “free” or “discounted” IVF along with clinical trials. On Wednesday 9/21 I found a “Mixed Menopur” Clinical Trial that is about an hour and forty five minutes away. I had no clue what this trial would involve, and being at work I couldn’t call so I EMAILED.

That night DH and I went to the grocery store and as we walked through the aisles I told him of what my Google-ing expertise found and that it would be amazing if this was the answer we had been longing for. I had read of other women finding clinical trials where their entire IVF cycle was paid for… I will always remember this conversation between my husband and I in the deli section of the grocery store fondly. The past couple of years we rarely spoke of infertility treatments as in “possibly soon”, often times when we spoke about IVF it was ‘when’… much like when we spoke of having children of our own.

The next day I heard back from the clinic (Florida Fertility Institute) and was asked a few preliminary questions … we were qualified to continue to the next step as long as if we could afford $5,000 which would be the cost of the IVF and all of the meds. Other OOP IF’ers know how much of a steal this is. Many couples pay $5,000 on meds alone. So I told the clinical trial director that I would need to speak it over with my husband. She understood although stressed the fact that there were only 12 spots in total available at this clinic, and we were toward the end of that number. I immediately called DH, I didn’t think that it was possible. $5,000 was still a LOT of money especially on a one income family (DH, our furbaby and myself is “our family”). He said, that it could be ‘do-able’ that maybe we should speak to our families since they have offered before. DH and I really hate asking for ‘hand outs’ we are what some would call a ‘proud’ couple, but this was an opportunity we had to try and take advantage of. DH spoke to his Mother and I to mine – EVERYONE was on board! I called that Friday and was told to call the day AF shows up to being our IVF cycle. Over that weekend I remember looking at my husband and asking “are we crazy, you do not have a job, you are back in school, and this will be the closest we will ever be to starting our family…” DH took a deep breath, smiled, and said “we would be crazy if we didn’t, we have to move forward in our life”. I knew he was right and it always feels better to hear I have his support even if I already know that I have it.

I am a type A personality. This is something that I wasn't aware of until planning our wedding. I like to have a plan, and I had one for IVF. But life sometimes doesn't allow you to plan - oh another lesson that infertility has given me. If you want to make God laugh, you tell him your plans.

That Monday 9/26 we had our first 4 hour commute for IVF - we went in the office for blood work and I began BCP that day as well. The following week we went in for more tests… DH had another SA, and I had a date with the vag-cam. Although they found a fibroid on/inside my uterus (still need to find out about this) I was told it was not in the area where the baby :::swoon::: would implant and we were good to go, we were still qualified for the clinical trial! Today we visited again so that I could learn how to give myself an injection of Lupron which I will continue through stimms.

The drive is hard on both of us. We get up before the sun comes up, kiss our furbaby good bye as we make our trip to the west coast. I cannot decide the best part of our trip; when the new morning sun is reflecting off of the river on our way to the office, or on our way home when DH and I discuss with hope the possibility that our child(ren) will be conceived in the same city we spent our one year wedding anniversary.

Here are some pictures from our commute :

The Doctors Office :

CD 24
Day 22 of BCP
Nausea & Fatigue from day 1 I do not recall ever feeling so poorly on
BCP. Maybe it’s the brand, not too sure, but am so happy I only have
a few days left.
Day 1 Lupron (20units, subQ injection)
Today I was taught how to give myself a Lupron injection.
Sitting with my jeans pulled down around my knees, my
Husband to the right of me and the nurse to the left I gave
myself my very first lupron injection in my right thigh. The
injection site bled for a second, but it didn’t hurt, so you can
imagine my surprise later in the day when I found a quarter size
bruise on my thigh. I hate to think of what my thighs will look
like after a few weeks of these injections. Cramping at night, crazy
dreams and (TMI warning) dark discharge

CD25
Day 23 of BCP
Same old’ same old’… nothing new to report. Although the
thought that I will NEVER have to be on BCP does put a
smile on my face!
Day 2 of Lupron (20units, subQ injection)
This morning’s injection site did not bleed like yesterday.
Although it did burn, and itch afterward, so tomorrow
I might try preparing the syringe and letting it sit for a little
bit while I get ready for work so that it isn’t so cold.

Art must take reality by surprise ~ Francoise Sagan

Random Thought of the Day

2009-11-16T10:03:00.005-05:00

Remember pregnancy "scares"?... oh how I miss those good old days!

No man is rich enough to buy back his past ~ Oscar Wilde

Waiting on our gift from heaven...

2009-10-30T10:02:00.002-04:00

I am not sure where I heard the story that babies’ souls choose their parents - as if heaven had a catalog of lives you can lead on earth. Throughout this journey of infertility this thought in some ways has comforted me after failed cycles. Maybe the right soul hasn’t picked us out of the ‘catalog’ yet, or maybe it just isn’t time for the soul to be on earth. Tom and I have high hopes and dreams for what makes our unborn – preconceived child happy. Most of us have been told that God knows what life and fate has in store for us and I believe that this is also true for people not yet on earth. Possibly in the bigger picture it doesn’t matter that I am closer to 30 then I was when we started trying to conceive, perhaps what is more important is how old our child(ren) at a particular time in the world. Maybe it isn’t about the experience or what we as the hopeful one day parents learn from our journey, it could already be about the child we long for. Even though people may say that we did not conceive our children naturally because we need not only each other’s love, but also God, prayers, needles and a doctor to help us I still believe it is miraculous that a soul can come from heaven into our arms no matter when that will be.

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all of your heart. ~ Marcus Aurelius

Whimsical Dreams

2009-10-22T09:25:00.001-04:00

There have been many people and cultures throughout time that believe that we receive messages from God, and little glimpse’s into the future when we sleep, to guide us through our life. Waking up from certain dreams I cannot help but wish that these thoughts and theories are true and hopefully my dreams will come true one day. My dreams are very vivid and often in them I am spending time with my children at different stages in their lives. It might be their first birthday, first day of school, cheering for them from the sidelines, or teaching them how to drive a car. Most of the time however, I am in the hospital holding them for the very first time. In these dreams I never see myself, so if it is true that you receive tiny looks into your future I do not know how old I will be when my children are at different stages in their lives. So when I am in this dream state I will just have to somehow remind myself to look in a mirror…just in case!

A dream is a wish your heart makes When you're fast asleep In dreams you lose your heartaches Whatever you wish for, you keep Have faith in your dreams and someday Your rainbow will come smiling thru No matter how your heart is grieving If you keep on believing the dream that you wish will come true ~Cinderella

A Non-update...Update

2009-10-05T11:14:00.005-04:00

We are still on a fertility treatment break... I cannot believe it has already been four months since our last medicated/IUI cycle and here we are still on a break, which is why I haven’t blogged lately. Regrettably, I still do not have anything new to report. Tom’s company closed their corporate office at the beginning of September, so until he can find employment we are at a fertility treatment standstill – as if we do not have enough of a standstill in our lives already. We have high hopes and I have confidence that my husband will find a position soon - even in this scary economy. *If anyone knows of a company needing a very analogical accountant in or around the Orlando area please let me know - fertility friendly companies a plus* We are praying, hoping and crossing our fingers that after the stressful holidays and along with the fresh new year we will be able to also have our first (and hopefully only) IVF cycle.

Teach us, O Lord, the disciplines of patience, for to wait is often harder than to work ~ Peter Marshall

Holy Cellulite Batman!

2009-08-25T08:50:00.006-04:00

There are a couple things you should know about me... I do not own a full length mirror or a scale - oh and I LOVE food. I judge my weight by how my clothes fit - I will be honest I knew that some of my pants that used to be relaxed or loose fit have became snug, I know that I am out of shape since I do not exercise, and am no longer the tone 18 year old my husband fell in love with almost 9 years ago. When I was younger I was very thin (doctors would ask me to gain weight) so you can imagine that I have never been on a diet & have never been active or have stuck with an exercise plan. I have been talking about dieting for a good 6 months to a year, but after going to the doctor last month for allergies I found that my short 5'2" frame had packed on 10lbs in the past year (besides the 10lbs I had already put on the last five years working my first office job) I knew that something had to change with both my lifestyle and what I was putting into my body. Especially since we will have to have IVF in the beginning of the year and would like my body to be in the best shape it can during my pregnancy. Most people want to lose weight after the baby, I want to get in shape before. So the following week I ran every day after work on our treadmill. Then... I stopped. I guess I just do not know how to stick with a diet/exercise plan since I have never been on one & apparently I am alot of talk and not enough action. However yesterday, after seeing the horrible cellulite that has formed on my thighs while shorts shopping over the weekend with my hubby, I finally put in the 30 day shred (by Jillian Michaels - the trainer on the Biggest Loser) DVD that I purchased a week ago and had my first session. It was tough!! By the end of the 20 minutes I could barely move, my legs were jello, I was panting like a dog and was moving like the heaviest people on the first week of the Biggest Loser. 1 day down 29 to go, wish me luck...

The past does not define you, the present does ~ Jillian Michaels

Baby Bumps Everywhere…

2009-08-20T13:44:00.004-04:00

I am not sure if it’s the new trend, an epidemic or if I am just overly sensitive and aware of pregnant women lately, but I swear everywhere I turn and everywhere I go there they are – in the mall, the coffee shops, home improvement stores, movie theatres, book stores, the tampon aisle at the grocery store…No matter how hard I try to avoid the baby-danger zones I cannot escape these belly rubbing-overly giddy-glowing pregnant women and their tummies. Even in the safety of my own home when I check my email or the mailbox, read a magazine or watch T.V. there they always are taunting the irrational infertile chick much like the stack of money I could have saved if I used Geico – I always feel like they are watching me. It’s like these women are in an exclusive society and for the past two years my membership applications keep getting denied.

When I see them I cannot help but wonder if they needed fertility treatment or if they have no idea how the reproductive system works, if they are married or accidentally got knocked up (as I nonchalantly check for a ring) and try desperately to push any bit of jealousy out of my brain along with the image of the perfectly pregnant woman. So until it is my turn... I will enjoy my double shot mocha latte, sushi lunches, cocktails with dinner and hot tubs – take that pregnant women!

When life gives you lemons - make a margarita and call it a party!

The Infertile Time Traveler

2009-08-06T13:59:00.005-04:00

This month marks a year since we first began using fertility treatments. I can see the former version of myself from one year ago, I remember my thoughts and the anticipation I had for the year ahead of me. Secretly making plans for how I would arrange the nursery, making little shopping lists in my head when I saw someone pushing a cute patterned stroller, seeing babies interact with their parents still made me happy and every day I would think ahead of what I would be doing today and how life would be… I never could have imagined that I would still be sitting here today without being pregnant or without a baby in our arms. Such high hopes and determination lived in my soul, my biggest fear at the time was that the IUI’s and fertility drugs would not work and we would need to use IVF to become pregnant. I ‘knew’ that the IUI and all of the meds that I was pumping into my body would work… why wouldn’t it after all we are unexplained – perfect on paper.

A year has quickly passed from that first medicated cycle and now I currently sit 10 pounds heavier from the hormones and the growing appetite the meds gave me. My biggest fear is no longer about having the IVF but that it will not work and that I will not be able to carry our children, never experience pregnancy and all of the wonderful symptoms that go along with it. It’s amazing to me, how in a year your way of thinking and even being can change: I can still picture what a positive pregnancy test will look like (unfortunately a little clearer now since we had a false positive last month) I can still imagine being pregnant and even think about all of the pregnancy classes at the hospital that I want to drag Tom to, I can envision Tom and I seeing our first ultrasound and even holding our baby for the first time… none of that has slipped away from me. The only thing that is different about my way of thinking, is that now I unfortunately get a little twinge in the pit of my stomach during those beautiful thoughts as I try desperately to blink back the tears and push the horrible thought away that it may stay just a dream and not become our future reality.

Fear not for the future, weep not for the past ~ Percy Bysshe Shelley

The Infertility Game...

2009-08-04T10:17:00.004-04:00

Laugh at yourself first... before anyone else can ~ Elsa Maxwell

A day meant for praying...

2009-07-24T12:48:00.002-04:00

For a Friday this has been pretty crappy. It's unfortunate when you look forward to a day all week and when it gets here it becomes the worst day of the week.

I received two pieces of bad news today...

The CEO of my company whom, made our office feel more like a family rather then a normal business environment lost his fight with cancer this morning. I know that he is in a better place now but my heart hurts for his family including his eight children who surrounded him with love during his last minutes on earth, for his friends whom he treated like family and for his employees who loved & respected him like a father.

I pray that all that love him are comforted and find strength when they feel like they do not have any left.

My friend, and infertility sister on the other side of the country had her egg retrieval yesterday for their first IVF after three years of infertility. Unfortunately only 2 out of the 13 eggs retrieved were able to be fertilized.

I pray that she and her husband find peace in the fact that although their results were less then they had hoped for that the two remaining embryos grow into the beautiful babies that they have dreamed and prayed so long for.

Please keep both of these wonderful families in your prayers; one that has lost a member and the other so desperately trying to gain one.

For no prayers unanswered and no prayer unheard

Receiving Hope from the (not so) Hopeless

2009-07-14T11:46:00.004-04:00

Aside from my most recent entry I have been away from blogging from some time. Although the occasional check in from my online/email buddy in California I have had to take a break from the infertility boards and all of the blogs. Today I decided to wander onto the blogs of those that I had added to my blog for your reading pleasure. To my surprise 70 percent of them are now pregnant – wow I really have been gone from the infertility-internet world for a while! Big CONGRATULATIONS to them all and an even bigger THANK YOU! Sometimes in this journey although we never lose sight of our goal we lose ourselves in the obstacles and think that we will never accomplish our dreams so without knowing it you gave me hope when it was all but lost! I pray that I may pay it forward someday soon and provide hope to others who are still struggling to be come pregnant - that although they might feel like they are drowning in a sea of infertility their dream to become a parent will also be fulfilled.

Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day ~Sally Koch

My Cup "Crappeth" Over

2009-07-08T13:20:00.003-04:00

I have to say I have been procrastinating about writing this post; it has been difficult to think about it much less talk or write about it with many other things going on in my life personally besides infertility. However, I feel as though I owe my blog a post about this cycle since the last post was a “to be continued…” type of post - and after all this blog was meant to be a see all journal about our battle and hopefully perseverance over infertility and an outlet for me to connect with other women who are also in my situation reaching out to them so that they know that they are not alone. So since everything needs an ending (happy or not) here it is the conclusion to this, my fifth IUI Cycle…

I can honestly say that this cycle was perfect, I really responded well to the ALL injectible cycle. I had 8 follies - four good size follicles and four not so good size follicles; my lining was thick and had the triple striping that it is supposed to have at the time of ovulation. I had high hopes going into the eight medicated cycle and fifth (my lucky number) IUI. We knew that this would be our last shot at pregnancy before stopping all medical intervention to save for in-vitro fertilization and I believe that Tom really needed a ‘perfect’ cycle to fail before he was at a place where he could think about moving on to IVF *squinting pretty hard to see the silver lining in this cycle*.

Unfortunately the first test was a false-positive. Those ten minutes between the first and second test (having Tom bring me the test -since I couldn’t bring myself to go into the bathroom and check the test for myself, realizing it was expired, running to the drugstore to pick up another test and all of the time between) was definitely one of the best feelings I have had in my life. I never thought I would actually see “pregnant” on a test and it be wrong. However the expired date on the first test made me try my hardest not to get my hopes up – but failed miserably and unfortunately they were the highest my hopes had been since trying to become pregnant. The second test came back negative and soon after I began spotting, with AF arriving in full force on Saturday. It was the hardest end to a cycle that I have had in what seems like longer then two years of trying to conceive.

With this cycle coming to a devastating end, I finally feel comfortable with stopping the treatment until we can afford IVF… for a while I felt like I wouldn’t be able to take a break, knowing that I most likely will not be able to get pregnant without medical intervention. However now I know that although it will appear and may even feel like we are taking a break from treatment we are actually moving forward in trying to conceive, and this break will be necessary for our dreams to come true at last. Being that we are now on a hiatus from going to the doctor to get ultrasounds & blood work, having multiple shots and being poked in prodded in places that I didn’t know existed before being seen by a reproductive specialist. We are now beginning a new chapter of trying to conceive – one that involves getting healthier, exercising, saving money for a baby, and taking care of our first child aka our fur-baby Austin (who has pneumonia right now – please send a little prayer his way). I am not sure what my next series of posts will contain but I will do my best to keep everyone updated in our journey, consultations and whatever else comes our way during our (hopefully little) vacation away from our fertility clinic.

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere. ~ Frank A. Clark

Thinking Positively about first ALL Injectable Cycle

2009-06-15T15:56:00.003-04:00

AF finally arrived all by herself on Tuesday, June 9th so on Thursday I went in for my baseline u/s it appears that the cyst went away (yah!) My E2 was a 74 (it needs to be between 25-75 to proceed) and that night we started injections.

Today I went in to see how everything was cooking...My E2 was 289, my lining was almost at a 7, I had one on my right at 12mm and 5 smaller ones, my left ovary had 1 at 11 mm and 4 that were under 10mm. Not quite there yet so I have another injection tonight and one tomorrow then a follow up appointment on Wednesday to see how everything is responding. I was told that its a fifty/fifty chance that this cycle could be cancelled because of overstimulation - please help us pray that it won't happen. They told me that there is just no telling what those smaller follicles are planning on doing.

I found this information regarding E2 aka Estradiol aka Estrogen levels -
Estradiol (E2)
Day 3
25-75 pg/ml
Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating. Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.
Estradiol (E2)
Day 4-5 of meds
100+ pg/ml or 2x Day 3
There are no charts showing E2 levels during stimulation since there is a wide variation depending on how many follicles are being produced and their size. Most doctors will consider any increase in E2 a positive sign, but others use a formula of either 100 pg/ml after 4 days of stims, or a doubling in E2 from the level taken on cycle day 3.

It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts ~Robert H. Schuller

No news - not always good news...

2009-06-05T13:24:00.003-04:00

Since it has been a while since I had last posted, I wanted to give an update. But I actually have no news what so ever - I am a week and a day late (cycle day 36) and am NOT pregnant (a pregnancy test confirmed this with one lonely line). I really thought that if I were ever late then it would mean something fantastic had happened this of course coming from a woman that spots for a good week before AF actually arrives, but unfortunately the two cyst found in the beginning of my cycle is making enough hormones to delay my menstural cycle without even a glimmer of hope that it will arrive on it's own before my doctors appointment that I have on Monday. I will find out then what my next step will be. Wish me luck...

Better an ounce of luck then a pound of gold ~ Yiddish Proverb

Infertility on Mother's Day

2009-05-08T08:41:00.002-04:00

Mother's Day is this weekend so I thought I would share this poem that I found. It is especially for all of the ladies out there who are also using 'hope' to cope with this Mother's Day.

“Happy Mother's Day” it comes around every year; but when you have empty arms, it's very hard to hear. It's a day to celebrate a mother, for all the trials she overcame; and a reminder to an infertile of her loneliness and shame. But what really makes a mother, Is it just conception and birth? Or is there something more, that shows a mother's worth? It's putting your child first, in everything you do; it's sacrifice and determination, and love and patience too. An infertile woman makes all her plans, around a child not yet conceived; she loves them even though they aren't here, more than she ever could have believed. She appreciates and understands, what a blessing that children are; she works hard for just a chance, that motherhood is not that far. All odds are stacked against her, and yet she still has hope; everyday is another struggle, finding ways to help her cope. So even though her arms are empty, she can still be a mother too; So say a special “Happy Mother's Day” for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

Groundhog's Year

2009-05-04T18:53:00.000-04:00

Much like the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day I feel as if I am living the same series of months over and over again. Today Tom and I went in for our baseline ultrasound and blood work... and yet again they found cysts - two to be exact both on the right ovary. I am still not quite sure how I managed to have two cysts at 22mm and 12mm since last cycle he only saw one follie on the left side, but the two cysts were visible enough for me to see them on the monitor during the scan. So yep that's right you guessed it; another cycle off. Tom always looking for the silver lining said that it was probably better since this month is my birthday. However I was very disappointed. Dr. McNichol said that a word of advise would be to do see how economical it is to continue doing IUI's instead of saving up a few or more cycles for IVF. I guess that is the thought he left us with to think about over this next medicated-free cycle.

I got you to hold my hand, I got you to understand, I got you to walk with me, I got you to talk with me, I got you to kiss good night, I got you to hold me tight, I got you I won't let go, I got you to love me so. I GOT YOU BABE ~ Sonny & Cher

New Regimen = New positive outcome (hopefully)

2009-05-01T11:49:00.007-04:00

It’s difficult to not let infertility consume you when you feel like you are swimming in a sea of ultrasounds, blood work, pills and needles. How do you remain a woman, a wife, a daughter, and a friend without being the woman with infertility, the infertile wife, the daughter who hasn’t been able to produce a grandchild or the friend whose shoes you do not want to wear? To rise above the labels that infertility gives us and conquer the fears, heartache, and pain is not the ultimate goal in the struggle but it is the battle within the war. This is where I am finding myself on a daily basis – struggling to stay just “Me”.

Today is day 1 of my brand new cycle. I am almost completely finished mourning the last one – it’s amusing how much hope and emotional attachment you can project on a cycle as if the child was already there. Maybe the problem isn’t that I do this to myself each and every month but that I haven’t quite learned what is left to learn or for that matter what the lesson even is. I have faith and hope in God and that he has a plan and the past two years of trying were not in vain, but a part of the journey that will lead us to our baby and make us better parents at that.

I spoke to Dr. T by phone earlier this morning. My appointment with Dr. McNichol is on Monday but I feel better under the care of Dr. T, so I wanted to make sure that Tom and I are on the right track before Monday’s appointment. Dr. T went over my cycles with me and said that it might be time to stop doing IUI’s and begin saving for IVF. At this point I just do not feel comfortable with stopping treatment to save for a bigger treatment… although I unfortunately see that this might very well be in our future to do. He advised with four failed IUI’s under my belt the likely hood of an all injectable cycle making that much of a difference is slim but worth a shot. The injectables should help with my lining, which is a plus. I also asked him about a laparoscopy which he advised that although it might be covered by insurance it really would not benefit Tom or myself in our path to parenthood. I show no signs of endo, my tubes are clear, and my biopsy came back normal. He said that if I do have endo it would be so minimal and since there is not obstructions that it really wouldn’t be what he suggests to do because the scarring from any removal of endo could be worse then the endo itself. I am still on the fence about this, but am comfortable moving on with one to two injectable + IUI cycles first before doing a laparoscopy and then pursuing IVF.

So my plan this cycle is to do more low impact exercise on a regular basis, begin our first ever injectable + IUI cycle, keep praying and hoping for a different outcome and when life starts feeling gloomy I will continue distracting myself with two things (other then my hubby) yummy Peach Mango Passion sherbet from Publix and the Outlander book series (I highly recommend both).

Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe. ~ Gail Devers

Same Old Same Old...

2009-04-25T18:58:00.002-04:00

In two days I will be able to test yet again to see if this my sixth medicated, fourth IUI cycle has worked. I hate to say it but I am just so pessimistic about it - since it hasn't worked before, and this time I had only made one follicle, and my lining was just a little over 7mm I just cannot fathom that this cycle has worked. Unfortunately every medicated cycle I get the blues the few days before I am able to test.

Our next step (once this cycle is a confirmed bust), will be a laparoscopy to rule out endometriosis (which I have begged and begged my doctor to do just for peace of mind since he is convinced that there is no possible way that I have endo) followed by two more IUI's before we consider financing an IVF. It is so scary to think how far we have been with nothing to show for it and now how close we are to beginning the next stage in treatments and at the same time IVF is the end of the line for us, if it doesn't work I am not sure how we will handle not having our own biological children and me not ever being able to experience pregnancy. I try not to think of this, and still like to imagine being pregnant, feeling the movement of OUR child stirring inside of me, and dreaming of what characteristics of each other will be passed down to our baby - this is what gets me through the day - HOPE...

There is hope in dreams, imagination, and in the courage of those who wish to make those dreams a reality ~Jonas Salk

Busy Bee

2009-03-31T13:29:00.003-04:00

I have been trying to keep busy this cycle off while waiting for the cyst to go away, during my time away from blogging...

Tom and I went away for a long weekend to Palm Coast for our 3rd year anniversary. It was fantastic and definitely nice to get away from everything at home and focus on each other without the stress of everyday life. I am not saying that we needed to reconnect but it was absolutely incredible to focus on our love for each other, rather then constantly thinking of our next step with infertility.

However our mind couldn't slip away that long from our journey with infertility. We attended an IVF seminar that our RE's office has each month. We learned quite a bit and overall we were both excepting of this as being a possible next step as well as having a bit of anxiety about it all. If we had IVF coverage with our insurance I know that it would be a much easier step for us to take, however the financial burden is very scary.

Besides his medical office our RE also has a charity organization that gives away 3 IVF cycles a year. We submitted our application yesterday (it was due today). It took me two weeks to get all of the necessary information together and it was definitely the hardest letter that I had ever and will possible ever write. I wanted it to be perfect and in a lot of ways I feel like I was trying to put all of the effort and emotion of the last two years into a letter (without writing a novel). I didn’t expect for it to take an emotional toll on me as it did, but let’s face it - this one letter/application can be life changing. I am still not sure that I conveyed our message and desire to have a child as much as I wanted to in the letter. We will be anxiously waiting until the fall to find out if we have been chosen.

Currently we are waiting for AF to arrive so that we can begin our next cycle, and hopefully not need the grant after all!

Submitting yourself to positive distraction is like a nap for your soul ~Unknown

Stupid Cyst

2009-03-16T10:46:00.003-04:00

On Thursday, Tom and I went in for our cd2 Ultrasound. Unfortunately, I have a substantial cyst on my right ovary. So we will not be having fertility treatment this cycle. For those of you not familiar with corpus luteums cysts here is some information :

An ovarian cyst is a collection of fluid within the ovary that is surrounded by a thin wall. Many types of ovarian cysts exist, and many do not exhibit any symptoms. Ovarian cysts can be small or large in size but usually range from pea-sized to grapefruit-sized.

Most ovarian cysts are harmless and benign. They can occur in women of any age but most often affect women who are in their childbearing years. Some ovarian cysts can rupture, bleed or cause pain and may need to be removed through surgery.

One type of ovarian cyst is the corpus luteum cyst. A corpus luteum cyst occurs when an egg is released from the follicle. Usually this type of ovarian cyst is found during a pregnancy ultrasound or during a routine pelvic exam.
Corpus Luteum Cyst in Pregnancy & Conception
Corpus luteum cysts form after an egg is released from the follicle, which then releases the hormones progesterone and estrogen that prepare the body for pregnancy. If no pregnancy occurs, the corpus luteum will most likely break down and disappear on its own.

Women who are on birth control pills usually do not form corpus luteum cysts, as birth control pills prevent ovulation.

If pregnancy does occur with a corpus luteum cyst in existence, the pregnancy will most likely not be prevented or impeded in any way. In fact, certain fertility drugs that induce ovulation actually increase the appearance of corpus luteum cysts.
Symptoms of Corpus Luteum Cysts
A corpus luteum cyst is typically round and fluid-filled, ranging in size from 2 centimeters to 6 centimeters or more in diameter.

Most often, corpus luteum cysts will not cause any symptoms. They will occur at the end of a women's menstrual cycle, last into the early stages of pregnancy and then slowly resolve themselves without complication or treatment by the time the second trimester arrives.

However, in some cases a corpus luteum cyst may expand by filling with blood or liquid and attach itself to the ovary. The corpus luteum cyst may still exhibit no symptoms, but in some cases may grow, bleed or twist the ovary. This may cause pain in the pelvis or the abdomen and may require surgery.

Corpus luteum cysts also have the potential to rupture, which would cause sudden and sharp pain and some internal bleeding.

Women with corpus luteum cysts should not be concerned unless extreme pain or bleeding occurs. Most symptoms are mild or non-existent. However, if you experience serious symptoms, seek emergency care.

In most cases of corpus luteum cysts, everyday activities can still be maintained and the woman's life will not be affected. Some medical professionals may recommend avoiding sex until the corpus luteum cyst has resolved itself, because sex may cause a corpus luteum cyst to rupture.

Discussing any questions or concerns with a medical professional is the best way to understand a corpus luteum cyst and to be aware of any activities that you should or should not be doing.

The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it. ~ Moliere

Another cycle bites the dust...

2009-03-06T19:36:00.004-05:00

I didn't want to keep you all in suspense I tested this evening after work, it was .... NEGATIVE (again). I had Tom read the results I just couldn't bare to see it for myself although I new what the outcome would be -this amongst many other times in the same situation I wish that I were wrong.

Tom and I are going to continue with IUI's until we find out for sure what is going on with his company's closure which is supposed to be in the end of June - this seems like the most financially responsible thing for us to do. Our office has an IVF seminar each month so I believe that we might attend it this month, we would like to educate ourselves in case this is what God has planned for us in our journey to parenthood. I hope it doesn't come down to it but I would like us to be prepared anyhow.

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength ~Unknown

I am back...

2009-03-04T15:49:00.006-05:00

I know I have been MIA but please don’t send out the search party just yet. I have been super busy and apologize for not keeping you all updated on our journey! Here is a not so quick update on me, and where we are now in trying to conceive…

So I believe I left off in November. The day after Thanksgiving my good friend and co-worker passed away. It was a terrible accident and earth is definitely missing an angel. She was the most compassionate person I have ever had the privilege of knowing, she loved everyone she knew and profoundly touched our lives.

Between the holidays and the grieving of the loss of my friend we decided to take a few cycles off and start fresh in 2009. It was definitely the right thing to do, the month of December is a blur of crying and faking smiles while celebrating the holidays.

A couple cycles had past and 2009 arrived – back to the RE. I was greeted at my first appointment of the New Year by Milton McNichol – Dr. Trolice’s new partner. It was probably the oddest thing to meet someone while lying on a table naked from the waist down (besides a sheet) and go from shaking their hand to allowing them to perform a vaginal ultrasound. Anyhow, Dr McNichols continued where Dr. T had left off – 50mg of Clomid starting on CD3 for five days with 3 shots of Menopur and back for blood work and a follie scan in a week. When I returned a week later (cd9), disappointedly it was Dr. McNichol yet again. He had issues with the ultrasound machine and at first stated that I had too many follies to proceed, then decided against that and said I didn’t have too many but my lining was much too thin to proceed with an IUI (it was a 4), and after deliberating with himself he decided to cancel the cycle because he believed that although I could wait a few days for my lining to thicken by that time I would have too many mature follies to proceed. (I was later called and told my E2 was 1004) So we would just have to have timed intercourse and pray that it would work. Disappointed, I left the office and waited a couple weeks for AF to arrive.

That brings us to this cycle. I called Dr. T’s office and requested that I only be seen by Dr. T from now on. On my cd3 visit Dr. T changed my meds to Tamoxifen (yes the chemotherapy drug normally used for breast cancer patients) instead of clomid and continued me with the booster shots of Menopur for this cycle. He believed that the Tamoxifen would improve my lining. I returned for my follie scan and blood work on CD 9 (Tuesday, February 17th). This time around my lining was an 8.5, I had three follies – two at 12mm and one at 16mm, my E2 was 405. This is the thickest my lining has ever been, before this 6 (which is the bare minimum) is the thickest I have ever been able to achieve. Everything looked good to go, I had another Menopur shot the next day (Wednesday), Thursday I had my trigger (Ovidrel) shot. Friday morning, the day of our IUI, rolled around. Dr. T was at the hospital that day and we knew we would have Dr. McNichol perform our IUI. Dr McNichol took what seemed like F-O-R-E-V-E-R to insert the catheter, Tom said it didn’t seem that long but when its your legs that are spread it’s a different story and believe me it took a lot longer then Dr. T had ever taken. I had a lot of cramping that weekend, which I have never had cramping after an IUI before… so I am hoping that it’s a good sign. This Friday, March 6th, 2009 we will be able to find out if this cycle did the trick. I am praying, and trying to stay positive without getting my hopes up. I have no symptoms or side effects at all, and although part of me wonders if that means something good or if it means exactly what it feels like – nothing, only time will tell for sure.

On a personal note in our journey, both Tom and I on separate occasions have had our own infertility breakdown since my last blog. Tom’s was first; bless his heart. We were at his Uncle’s 50th birthday party. Three of Tom’s cousins who are either in their early twenties or late teens and all unmarried were there with either a baby bump or their newborn babies. He was very upset and angry at our circumstance while sitting and watching all of the new parents who seem to take it all for granted. Mine was just last week, a day after our IUI. We were at my in-law’s house for Tom’s step father’s birthday party. At first I was fine, most of the time I can push any feelings I have aside. On that night however things were different, I had to excuse myself from the party and spend the rest of the night upstairs. Although his was mostly anger and I was a crying mess through mine we somehow persevered we were there to support each other, and I believe we are stronger in the end, stronger as a couple and individuals facing this thing called infertility.

On a happier note today is Tom and I’s third year wedding anniversary. I never thought that on our third anniversary we would be childless and facing infertility. However here we sit, learning from the obstacles on our journey to becoming parents. I know that God has given me my perfect soul mate in Tom, I couldn’t ask for a better man to spend my life with.

I can’t change the destination of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to reach my destination. ~Jimmy Dean

Things to be Thankful for...

2008-11-26T09:25:00.006-05:00

This has been the most difficult year of my life. Other then my constant battle with infertility; my Mother and Grandfather were both diagnosed with cancer this year (4 surgeries between them) and my Great-grandmother broke her hip. I feel like most of this year has been spent in Doctors offices and hospitals. However, I know that God doesn't give us more then we can handle and although my cup runneth over with difficulties, what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger, right?!? When you have so many things that can ruin your day and weigh heavy on your mind it is easy to forget the blessings in your life. So in the spirit of the upcoming holiday I wanted to list the things that I am thankful for -

1. My husband, who is not just my soul mate & my bestfriend but my partner in crime; he is always there with a shoulder to cry on when I need one, I can always count on him for an honest opinion and he helps me find my strength when I do not think I have any left. ~ And for recently not only surprising me with the last three books in the twilight series but for also taking me to see Twilight even though he was only the 10th hetero man in the audience and the third oldest (I thought I would add this since I know he reads my blogs and because I wanted to share that this kind of selfless behavior is why he is the greatest husband in the world)

2. My family, because even when they are loud and/or embarassing, they have made me who I am today and I love them.

3. Friends, because they are the family that you choose. I know that know mater how many days we go without talking because our lives get busy that they are just one call away.

4. My Furbaby Austin, because even when he is being annoying or hyper he will always be my first baby.

6. I am thankful for my home. This year there are many people filing foreclosure and are homeless this holiday season. Although our house is older and in need of some repairs, it is our warm and cozy home.

7. I am thankful for the fact that both my Husband and I are employed and have health insurance. Sometimes, neither of us are happy with the work that we do but we do have a paycheck coming in and that is something to be incredibly thankful for.

8. Lastly I am thankful for being an American and living in a Country where although I did not vote for our newly elected president - I as a woman was able to vote, have fertility treatment available to me and am able to worship my God freely.

Not how we say our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our Thanksgiving ~ W.T. Purkiser

Holiday Wishes

2008-11-17T17:25:00.003-05:00

The holidays are quickly approaching, my favorite time of the year. Cool weather, eggnog and hot cocoa, houses and trees trimmed in lights, shopping (I am not going to lie) and spending time with loved ones. After all it is supposed to be the happiest time of the year - magical, the time when anything can happen, dreams come true, no matter how big or small.

It doesn’t matter if it’s part of your letter to Santa, the sight of the very first star of the night or a shooting star, if it’s during your nightly prayers, when forwarding annoying wish granting emails, before throwing a penny into a well, or when you are blowing out your birthday candles; no matter the occasion couples with infertility know exactly what they are wishing for. Like the wish itself is engraved into our hearts there is never a question or a pause as to what the wish will be, a constant repeating whisper the wish is always at the tip of our tongues waiting for the opportunity to be freed from our thoughts into God’s waiting ears…

It’s difficult not to think of what we were doing last year for the holidays, and unfortunately we are in almost the same position as were last year wanting the same thing for Christmas. We were at the time just starting to see the OBGYN fearing a problem, even then never had a doubt in our minds that we wouldn’t have a child this time of year, it is what got me through the holiday season last year. However here I sit a year later, contemplating my next IUI and/or speaking to the doctor about more testing.

This cycle has been a nice break for us. Although I hate that I had a cancelled cycle because of a cyst, I think it was a blessing in disguise. I have been doing some research during this cycle off. I have found some interesting things regarding different types of IUI’s and am planning on asking Dr. T’s opinion on them. One is a FSP (fallopian tube sperm perfusion) this is almost exactly like an IUI except they use more of the solution, a longer catheter and release the sperm into the fallopian tubes. The study on the FSP has had mixed results. Some show no significant difference in success rates; others show that FSP works better for unexplained couples (BINGO?!?). I don’t think it will hurt to ask Dr. T’s opinion as well as do some more research on this myself. Another thing on my mind is what Dr. T said at one of our first appointments - that a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis was not necessary as long as my tubes were open and there weren’t any signs during the hysteroscopy or HSG. However I found that I do have some of the symptoms and that endometriosis is sometimes confused/misdiagnosed for IBS which is what I was diagnosed with at age 11 (the age I started my first menstruation). I honestly feel like we are all missing something that could be the underlying cause of our infertility. I really would like to have ALL of my medical records sent to Dr. T to look over.

Because of the holidays we are also discussing skipping our next cycle. Although, we know that inevitably it would mean another cycle without getting pregnant - a cycle that we could have had medical help with I am not sure I can handle a failed medicated cycle during the holidays. Unless you have experienced it yourself, you have no idea how much more it hurts to have a failed medicated cycle then one where you try on your own. I do not want to fake a smile during Christmas or New Years; I would like to be genuinely happy and if at all possible without a dark cloud hovering over the season. Besides who is to say we won’t have our little Christmas miracle of our own after all?

Dreams are like stars…you may never touch them but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny.

Super Tuesday

2008-11-04T13:55:00.002-05:00

If you haven't done so already... Do not forget to vote!

"Ask not what your Country can do for you... Ask what you can do for your Country!" ~John F Kennedy

A story too close to home...

2008-11-03T16:27:00.002-05:00

Today while checking the local news online I came across this story...

Deputies: Mother Suffocated Newborn
Baby Found In Trash
POSTED: 10:10 am EST November 3, 2008

FOUNTAIN, Fla. -- A Florida Panhandle woman suffocated her newborn and threw his body in the trash, Bay County sheriff's investigators said.
Stephanie Collins, 26, concealed her pregnancy from family and friends, deputies said.
Collins gave birth late Saturday, killed the baby and then dumped him in the trash, deputies said. The body was found by her grandmother.
Deputies said Collins had a previous abortion and didn't want to have another. She has a 9-year-old son. Detectives said she will be charged with murder.
Under Florida's Safe Baby Act, Collins could have left the baby at a hospital, fire station or other state-designated place within three days without fear of prosecution.
Investigators said Collins knew about the law but decided to "stick with her original plan."

Stories like this have always and will hit hard with me. However dealing with infertility things like this throw me over the edge, it infuriates me to tears. I desperately try not to question God, and do believe that everything happens for a reason. I have even come to terms with my infertility not being the fault of Tom, Myself or God. However I cannot for the life of me understand how on earth a woman could do this, why was she blessed with a child yet there are so many couples that would be the best parents in the world who have infertility. I just cannot comprehend why this had to happen and why whoever needed to learn a lesson from this had to learn in this manner - why did a helpless baby have to suffer? So many childless couples search out babies to adopt and this baby didn't have to be any different - it could have been adopted by a wonderful loving family and could have had a terrific life. Unfortunately instead the few minutes the child had lived was spent suffering struggling to survive and at the hand of his own mother. This woman is the lowest life form imaginable, she should have never had the priveledge of having the name "Mommy". I know that it's not my place to question God's plans and I hate this woman for making me do so. The only comfort I have is knowing that this child will no longer suffer as he plays among the angels in heaven.

In the same light this makes me remember what a friend I made over on the TTC board on thenest.com said that I hold close to my heart whenever I feel this way "we must have some AMAZING babies coming in the future...because satan wouldn't be working so hard to keep them out of this world!!"

A new cycle with a cyst...

2008-10-31T13:38:00.009-04:00

After being mad and discouraged after this past failed cycle I went over and over in my head if I wanted to take a cycle off or not. Well Tom and I sat down and discussed and agreed to continue treatment this cycle. I went to my baseline ultrasound this past Monday. Well I have a considerably good size cyst on my right ovary. Dr.T said its up to me but he suggests not using medical intervention this cycle because our chances of conceiving are lower because of the cyst... but of course that we could continue to try on our own this cycle. For some strange reason it was a huge relief for me. I haven't realized how much pressure I have felt that I was under since starting the treatment. I am looking forward to taking this cycle off and getting back to basics.

We might even be able to conceive on our own - what a concept, I am constantly reminding myself that most people do conceive the old fashioned way! I found a couple things online that I want to give a whirl. One is a Mayan abdominal massage, being a licensed massage therapist I looked into it and found alot of credible information regarding this massage. I am going to try and do a self massage daily but am also currently searching for an LMT in the area that has gotten the creditation for this specific massage. I am also going to try Castor Oil packs. Apparently you get a piece of cotton like an old t-shirt pretty damp with the castor oil and then apply it to your abdomen, next you cover it with a piece of plastic like a shoping bag, then a towel and ont top of that a heating pad. You are supposed to do it at least 30 minutes daily for 3-5 days a week (but not 5 days before AF or during AF). Its *supposed* to help with cysts as well as detox your liver, uterus and fallopian tubes. I am also drinking green tea again and will probably add raspberry leaf tea on Sunday.

Mayan god of Fertility

Today is Halloween. Tom and I are going to watch scary movies and hand out candy to all of the cute trick or treaters. We were invited to a halloween party and although I am feeling rejuvinated this cycle I would rather not be around a bunch of people let alone their kids.

Tomorrow I am going to use my gift certificate that my incredible husband purchased for me 7 months ago for our anniversary - yes I am a slack ass. I am looking forward to being pampered tomorrow with a facial, mani + pedi and eyebrow waxing. It's so nice to have a cycle off to be normal without all of the pills and shots. Who knows all of this extra homeopathic remedies and a month off might just do the trick :) Wish us luck!

Viatality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Ranting of an Infertile

2008-10-23T09:52:00.002-04:00

Do not read this entry if you are trying to stay optimistic!

So after getting yet another negative this cycle, I cried, it was the first time that I have cried this entire time TTC. I didn’t just cry - waterworks that could have been easily misconstrued as the Niagara Falls fell from my face for a good two hours. It was also the first time that my husband was visibly angry and hurt by infertility. Although we are unexplained and technically not being able to reproduce so far is neither one of our faults I felt like it was my body that was being defiant and sometimes I feel as if I am letting him down and am taking our dream away. I could imagine how it would be hard for a Fertile Myrtle to understand mourning over something you never had to lose in the first place. However other girls who also have trouble trying to conceive know the feeling, its not that you are sad about what could have been its more of what might never be. You have to go through so many emotions during a month which in retrospect is a very short time. Try putting those up and down months into a year or more. It takes a toll on your mental and physical well being fast. I feel as if I have turned into a two year old throwing a tantrum on the floor of a toy store. “It just isn’t fair – Why us?” Since I was a little girl with curls carrying a baby doll every where I went – I knew I was meant to be a mother, to have a family. So in a lot of ways I just can’t give up on a dream I have had for as long as I can remember being. I can still imagine what it will be like, I can picture me being pregnant, having Tom hold my hand through labor, seeing our babies for the first time, watching them sleep, the first day of school, learning how to drive, their first date, their first apartment. I can see it all everything except two lines on a pregnancy test. This cycle has somehow changed our view on infertility ‘when’ has officially as hard as it is to swallow became ‘if’. I never imagined in a million years that we might never have the chance to have children of our own. We have talked about kids since we moved in together 7 years ago - it was always “when we have children…” I can’t believe our dreams might be taken away from us. I am mad, sad & confused - optimism just went out the window.

Tomorrow I go in for my beta to make sure that the home pregnancy test was accurate. When I get the official results back we will discuss next cycle. This cycle seemed so perfect to us, we can’t imagine a better cycle except one that will end in a big fat positive. Now we begin to think what didn’t we do that would have helped make it work, what can we do this cycle that we didn’t last, what did we forget? Ultrasound, Pills, Injections, Sex (yes we still have sex – somehow that seems to be a question lately), Ultrasound + blood work, another injection, IUI, suppositories and waiting. It seems so much more then the average couple who can just have sex to produce another living breathing being. Part of me thinks of the miracle of reproducing and how something so spectacular takes time to produce, but then I see a pregnant teenager in a store, horrible stories of child abuse on the news, and it brings me back to reality even morons can reproduce, but we might never be able to – and then I turn into the two year old again.

We fall so that we can learn how to pick ourselves up again!

Will Return at a Later Time

2008-10-21T12:33:00.003-04:00

I hope to be back to my normal self soon... but until then I wanted to let you know where I will be. Due to the negative pregnancy test viewed this morning on 13dpiui I will be away at my very own Pity Party!

One week down another to go…

2008-10-17T14:12:00.004-04:00

I just wanted to pop in give a quick update. I am 9dpiui and have 5 days until I can take a HPT or the beta in a week. At this point I am still patiently waiting to test. I am still thinking fertile as Dr. T says and honestly I have my hopes up but I do not “feel” one way or the other – I still have no clue what the test will say in a week.

I have been doing fairly well in keeping up with the pact I made with myself in avoiding everything and anything that could cause stress. It has been difficult not getting worked up over morons that I tend to have to speak to on the phone daily if not multiple times a day because of my job. Deep breaths seem to do the trick!

I am on the prescription of progesterone, as apposed to the compound form last cycle I am now on the yellow prometrium capsules. I am definitely feeling more side effects but thankfully I am not having the reaction I did last cycle. It still isn’t the best feeling or thing in the world but I am dealing with it nicely this cycle.

Other then that I am so deeply addicted to a series of books called Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. I am not much of a reader, and normally it could take me months to finish a novel. Well this book has captivated me so much that I have read 2 ½ Books in two weeks. The second book I actually read in one day… and have now started pacing myself, since there are only 4 books left in the series. The movie comes out next month so I will be dragging my husband (hopefully not kicking and screaming) to see it with me. If you aren’t much of a reader but want to try it out the first copy is only 10 bucks in paperback and is definitely worth a try in my honest opinion. It has really helped take the edge off of this two week wait! Anything that can do that (since I am completely obsessed with over analyzing every symptom normally) deserves a cookie or a Dewey button. On a side note the baseball playoffs have helped my husband take his mind off of this cycle although I can’t say that it has helped him stay de-stressed! So all and all we have done pretty good in keeping our mind active this cycle and hopefully it will pay off in the end with a BFP!

We wander for distraction… We travel for fulfillment ~ Hillaire Bolloc

Thinking "Fertile" while patiently waiting for our Miracle

2008-10-09T10:44:00.008-04:00

Time to catch up on this cycle’s blogging.

Last Thursday I did my first injection of menopur. Tom was at his softball game so I video taped myself administering the shot. I thought it would be a great idea, so that Tom could witness the first shot and since I am a baby around needles it would be a terrific idea to have something to get my mind off of sticking a nice size needle into my stomach. However I can’t say that it went off without a hitch, I couldn’t get the meds back into the syringe, I some how managed to get a vacuum so when I would pull the syringe back the vacuum would send the meds back into the vial. I had to call the on call nurse who helped me fix the problem. She said that she had never had that problem before, but I knew that it was my luck since I was home alone and this was my first injection. Tom did my second dose menopur shot on Saturday night and my trigger shot Monday night. He did an awesome job and it didn’t hurt too badly either, I couldn’t believe how fast he was compared to when I gave it to myself.
Monday morning I had my follie scan and E2. I had four good size follies; 20, 16, 15 & 13 mm and some smaller ones that were under 10mm. My E2 (estrogen) came back at 814, and my lining was an 8. I was all set to have my trigger shot that night and an IUI on Wednesday. I am so excited to have 4 follies this cycle, Dr. T. said that 4 would be the most he would proceed with so I wanted those four and I did it exactly. The nurse said that because I have 4 follies we have a chance of multiples this cycle. If we have a chance at multiples we have an even better chance of at least one healthy beautiful baby.
Yesterday (10/8/08) was our IUI. Tom had to be in at 8:30 to give his sample and I had to be back at 10 for the IUI. Dr. T went over our file and said that everything looked great for this cycle, Tom had 48 million post wash this cycle (last cycle he had 39 million). Tom stayed with me sitting on a chair next to the stirrups during the IUI. I am so grateful to have him with me during the IUI's it makes me feel like at least he is there for the first stages of our soon to be child's life since we are not able to do it the old fashioned way. Dr. T even asked if Tom wanted to do the the IUI (after he inserted the catheter - all Tom would have to do was push the plunger on the syringe in) Tom declined - that is why we are paying Dr. T the big bucks! We are hoping that the extra 9 million sperm and 2 more eggs will be the extra boost we need to have our baby. Dr. T told me to “keep fertile thoughts” which I found ironic since this month I have been trying and succeeding on keeping positive thoughts. I had to stop by the pharmacy on the way out of the office to pick up my new prescription of progesterone. The pharmacist – always friendly asked if I was pregnant because of the prescription dose that I was getting. It was very strange to have someone ask me if I was pregnant, at first I was kind of upset and said “no” quickly but then as I was leaving I was excited thinking that possibly one day soon my bloat from all of the meds would actually be a baby bump and I would be able to say happily “yes”. This is going to be a long two weeks!
We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness. ~Unknown

Something New

2008-10-01T10:32:00.002-04:00

This cycle we are starting a new regimen, we are adding a couple injections to our cycle. The new drug is called Menopur it is the only FDA approved drug based solely on pregnancy rates! Some women take this instead of Clomid but we are in Dr.T’s words adding it in “baby steps”. So from day 3-7 I will be taking Clomid at night, and on day 6 & 8 I will take an injection of Menopur. I will not be taking Estrogen Suppositories like I did last month though, the injections are supposed to also help with my lining. I am pretty nervous about giving myself the first injection on Thursday; Tom has a softball game that night so I am on my own. I loathe needles, so it should be pretty interesting giving myself an injection – what us women do to have babies! On Monday I have my first follie scan which will be CD10, we are hoping to achieve our goal of 4 healthy follies and our ultimate goal of a positive beta!
Information on Menopur: www.ferringfertility.com/medications/menopur/

Willie Nelson said “Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones you’ll start having positive results.” I am going to live by this theory this month & try to avoid anything negative at all costs. It will be interesting to try and stay positive and stress free. I think it will not only be great for my body and our baby making capabilities but also my soul. I believe in thinking positively and unfortunately it’s hard to stay optimistic while going through IF not just because of disappointments but also because of unknowing what the future holds. Last month I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up that I became a little bitter and very pessimistic; which does nothing for a person. So this month I am trying to live by my own rules and those of the great Willie Nelson and enjoy life, appreciate what I have, and think positively toward the future. So save your drama for your Mama and leave your crap at the door.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty ~ Winston Churchill

All Aboard the IF Rollercoaster

2008-09-21T09:23:00.000-04:00

Here we go again yet another nose dive. Every day more then the last I am ready to get off of this ride. This is definitely not an exhilarating, hands in the air while laughing ride, nope it’s more like a haunted house version of “It’s a small world”. So this Sunday morning (12dpiui) I decided to take yet another pregnancy test. There it was staring back at me another stark white test that was all too familiar of a sight. It is probably the strangest thing how all of your hopeful thoughts about IF are still there but once you see a negative test all of those good feelings just get pushed to the back of your head, waiting there until the next cycle until you can scrounge them up again. I knew before I took the test that it was going to be negative, call it ESP, women’s intuition, or just being intune with your body but this entire cycle I ‘knew” that the first IUI didn’t work. I laid there in bed arguing with myself about taking the test. I knew that the negative would hurt no matter if I already knew what that’s what it was going to be or not, but I thought if I didn’t take the test I would be kicking myself all day wondering or not if the test was positive – and it’s so hard for me to hold my pee for 4 hours. So I did it and it hurt worse then I imagined it would. I *try* not to think about it… I try to be numb to the situation but when you invest so much into something you want so deeply it’s so hard not to get upset. So tomorrow I will call Dr. T’s office and see if they still want me to come in for a blood pregnancy test or if I can just schedule my next baseline u/s once my period starts and the IF cycle roller coaster will start at the beginning yet again.

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Carl Bard

A New Perspective

2008-09-17T11:35:00.003-04:00

I believe that you fall so that you can learn how to pick yourself up. The journey of infertility has opened my eyes to so many things on different levels. Infertility treatment, meds and schedules are like second nature to me now and are just a part of my everyday life - as crazy as it sounds this has become my “normal”. It is incredible to think that we are given an amazing ability to create life out of “thin air”. When you are going through infertility you forget how easy it is supposed to be. Since our path of trying to conceive has led us to a doctor’s office and treatment; I am now in awe when I hear that a couple is able to get pregnant on their own after only a month or two of “trying” and especially when it was an “oops”. It seems to me that something as miraculous as the creation of another human being is nothing short of amazing and should take some time, hope, prayers, maybe even science and definitely a lot of love. I am not sure why God has chosen my husband and I as one of the unfortunate couples who require medical intervention to become parents, I have stopped asking myself and God those questions. I do believe however that waiting not only makes you hope more and pray harder it teaches you to have patience; disappointment makes you appreciate the great things already in your life; suffering teaches you compassion and understanding. I know that all of these things will make us better parents, so although infertility was not a path Tom and I chose for ourselves we will learn from our journey while we look toward our destination because I know that it is possible and one day we will have our own little bundle of miracle.

Learn from yesterday, Live for Today and Hope for Tomorrow ~ Albert Einstein

Waiting yet again...

2008-09-10T14:14:00.001-04:00

I am sorry I have been such a horrible blogger this past week. On Friday (CD9) I had a disappointing visit at Dr T’s for my follie scan. I had a U/S a.k.a. the vag cam and found out that my uterine lining was only a 6 (needs to be an 8 or higher to proceed with IUI) and my two follies were 16&17mm. Therefore I needed to continue my estrogen suppositories until Monday for yet another follie scan. Needless to say I was confused and let down – last time on CD12 it was too late I couldn’t have an IUI, My husband I were so worried that if we waited until CD12 we would be in the same boat as last cycle plus we would have to pay for another ultrasound out of pocket. However what could we do we are not doctors and we sure couldn’t do an IUI ourselves. So we waited… On Monday Dr. T wasn’t in so they had a RN do my follie scan. My lining was an ELEVEN! I couldn’t believe that it had almost doubled since Friday it had only been three days. I am not sure if it was the estrogen suppositories, the red raspberry leaf tea or all of the prayers but it didn’t matter whatever it was it worked and I was relieved. My follies were 22.5 & 23mm I was able to trigger that morning and get the IUI. I was so ecstatic. I was so excited to call Tom and let him know that it was on for Tuesday we could finally get the IUI! I really wanted Tom to be there for the transfer so we both decided to take the day off and be bums on the couch for the rest of the day, I knew that it wasn’t necessary to take the day off of work but with all of the time, energy and money invested into ever cycle I wanted to make sure I was doing everything in my power to get pregnant. So Tuesday came, after Tom gave his sample at 8 we went to breakfast – it seemed like it took forever, but we were even able to return earlier then our scheduled time for the insemination at 9:30. After we were led back into our room, Tom sat next to me and looked at me with a nervous grin. I knew he felt the same way that I did – we couldn’t believe our lives have brought us here having to have meds and an insemination to be able to get pregnant. Dr. T came in and said that everything looked fantastic with Tom’s sperm – 73million pre wash and 39million post wash with 96% mobility. Dr. T told us to have nothing but positive thoughts and that he would see me back in two weeks for my beta (blood test to see if I am pregnant). I laid there for a good 15 minutes before getting up and dressed– the beginning of my two week wait had officially started.

A great informative slide show relating to a women’s cycle with ovulation induced meds: http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/advancedtreatments/ovulationinduction/cycle.jsp

All human wisdom is summed up into two words – wait and hope. ~ Alexandre Dumas Pere

I WILL have what she is having

2008-09-04T14:53:00.002-04:00

Babies in Hollywood seem to be the newest accessory next to miniature dogs in purses; you are not even able to purchase a gallon of milk at the grocery store without seeing the pregnant celebrities and their new babies plastered on the front covers of all the newest tabloids. I have decided that pregnancy in Hollywood is like an epidemic & I would like to take a trip to LA to partake in some of their water or maybe a decaf mocha latte from their local Starbucks in hopes of catching my own baby bump! Hmm now I just have to find the funds that I am not already spending on fertility treatments and convince my hubby that we need a trip to the west coast.

I can’t adjust the direction of the winds, but I can adjust my sails to reach my destination ~ Jimmy Dean

I’ve Got High Hopes

2008-08-29T15:25:00.001-04:00

Today is CD2 (Cycle Day) of our 18th cycle trying to conceive. I had my appointment this morning with Dr T, for my baseline U/S (ultra sound). Dr T apologized for last cycle not working and asked how Tom and I were managing things emotionally… I told him we were okay and that while we had some hope we knew that it might not work the first try with clomid especially since we weren’t able to do the IUI. So Dr.T. proceeded with the ultrasound, my ovaries and uterus looked great and I was given the green light to start clomid again this month. What a relief! I was secretly worried about having cysts and having to sit out this cycle. I asked him about my follicle size last month (I had a 30,25&15 on CD12) he said that he would like the follies (follicles) to be 20-22 and mine were much bigger so we will come in on CD9 for the follie scan this month and probably trigger (ovulation induction with an Ovidrel shot) that day as well so we will not miss our window for the perfect eggs to do the IUI with. Since my uterine lining was an 8.1 last month (the lining where the embryo implants) he will not do the IUI unless it’s an 8 and the thicker the better, so he also prescribed me Estrace (estrogen suppositories). However that means they had to drop me from the clomid study, which thankfully it isn’t that big of a deal since clomid is one of my cheapest meds at 15 dollars. So next Friday is my follie scan, and depending on those results we will do the trigger shot and IUI soon after.
After seeing the doctor, I was led into the “education” room with the nurse getting my calendar and instructions for this cycle. A woman in the hall shouted “It’s Twins” they were the lesbian couple that I noticed in the waiting room earlier. I might have let my outside match my insides when I heard the big announcement so it is possible that the nurse noticed, so maybe that is why she looked at me and said “Don’t worry everything looks good, last month was just practice & that will be you very soon! I just know that this is going to work for you!” Although, there is no way of her knowing that for sure it was a great feeling to have an Rn that see patients everyday & who has my chart in front of her telling ME I will be able to have that same excitement with my husband, and soon. It was a great way to end my appointment and I left feeling renewed and hopeful for this cycle!

Links to know more about the meds I will be taking this month:
Clomid - http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/clomiphene-citrate-for-infertility
Ovidrel - http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/serono/products/ovidrel/index.jsp
Estrace – http://www.webmd.com/drugs/mono-6300-ESTRADIOL+TABLET+-+VAGINAL.aspx?drugid=78021&drugname=Estradiol+Vagl
Progesterone - http://www.drugdigest.org/DD/DVH/Uses/1,3915,7353%7CProgesterone%2BVaginal%2BSuppositories%7C5308,00.html

Sometimes someone says something really small, and it just fits right into this empty place in your heart.
~ Angela Chase

Waiting to Begin

2008-08-27T10:26:00.002-04:00

Today AF is officially two days late. As you can imagine this morning it wasn’t like I had a little voice in my head telling me to pee on a stick but an entire crowd chanting Test, Test, Test…so I did and of course it was a Big Fat NEGATIVE; even after I held it up to the light, stared at it for more then the allotted time and tilted back and forth, it couldn’t be any more stark white then it was. Unfortunately it’s a familiar sight, after this being the 17th cycle of seeing it I almost feel like I am in that movie Groundhogs Day. Most of me knew that it was going to be negative, and I prepared myself for it but a small part of me was still holding out hope that it was going to work this cycle even without the IUI. This is the first time that my cycle has gone this long but it is also my first medicated cycle and obviously clomid has made my LP (luteal phase) longer. I guess technically clomid did it’s job just not the way that I would like it to and I haven’t decided completely if clomid is my friend or a backstabbing & manipulative drug. Of course I would rather not spot before AF, and I loved having 3 follicles instead of one but I do not like how clomid tricks my mind and body into thinking that it’s pregnant and I hate how long it made this cycle. So now I am anxious to start a new fresh cycle, disappointingly I still have to wait for AF so that I can schedule a baseline ultrasound (normally day 2 or 3 of your cycle) and see if the next cycle is a "go" for more clomid and hopefully a trigger shot and IUI. I have so much faith in this upcoming cycle working; I just hope and pray that all of the emotion and time that my husband I have invested will be worth it at the end of next cycle.

I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning ~JB Priestly

Hope at the End of a Dark Tunnel.

2008-08-24T10:42:00.001-04:00

Yesterday afternoon I decided to take a home pregnancy test. Normally AF (Aunt Flow) arrives 14dpo (days past ovulation) and yesterday was day 13, I hadn’t started spotting like I normally do 7-8dpo so it was time to test, I couldn’t take it anymore. So before going to dinner with our friends I decided to take a HPT (home pregnancy test); bad idea it was negative. Needless to say I was and still am crushed. Of course the other little voice in my head said maybe it was still too early to test, maybe you diluted your urine with all of the water you drank, maybe just maybe the test is wrong. Either way I was still quite upset and it turned my mood sour. My husband apologized like he always does after a negative test; I took a deep breath and continued to get ready for dinner. Before we got to the restaurant we went into a book store that is in the entertainment complex that the restaurant was in, and found a book (Stori Telling, the Tori Spelling biography) that I have been looking everywhere for. Little things can pick my spirit up fast, and reading will definitely take your mind off whatever is plaguing you so it was a win-win! At the restaurant you can only be seated when your entire party is there. So while waiting for one of the couples to arrive that was stuck in traffic, I was able to talk to one of our good friends who also had infertility problems and are now blessed with a beautiful 11 month old daughter and one on the way. They also did the IUI route and it worked for them - they give me hope. She asked if I had tested yet this cycle and I told her that yes it was negative. So we started discussing her treatments and success. My friend told me that the month she conceived her daughter with IUI she was at the end of her rope, they had just started the adoption process and didn’t think the IUI was going to work. So she prayed to God that she would do everything she needed to do to get pregnant and now she was leaving it up to him, and her faith in him on the outcome. She was tired of crying whenever she saw a negative and knew that although it crushed her it was all in God’s plan for her. Whatever road God wanted her to take to have a child she was going to take, whether it be a biological child of her own or adoption. That month she found out she was pregnant with Miss Delaney. She of course said that hind site is twenty-twenty and at the time she didn’t know if that is why she was able to get pregnant that month but now looking back she is sure of it. On the way home my husband I were talking about our friends and how it was nice to know people that have been through what we are going through now. I decided that she was right, and it isn’t because it is what they thought made it possible for them to conceive her daughter that month. They were right because although I try not to get my hopes up I still do, they were correct because I feel helpless at times after doing everything that we can to get pregnant and we aren’t. Although I know that God has a plan for everyone and everything happens for a reason, and while I pray to God for him to bless us with a child I had never prayed to him letting him know that I leave our fate in his hands with faith in him to bring us on the perfect path for my husband and I. So although I know that I will still obsess over the fact that today is 14dpo and I still haven’t started my period and haven’t even started spotting, I know that I cannot change the outcome of each cycle. It is what it is and I have faith that if I do everything in my power to get pregnant that the Lord will one day bless us with a child of our own.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Teeter-Tottering

2008-08-20T11:53:00.001-04:00

The two week wait is the period of time between ovulating and being able to take a pregnancy test to see if all of your “hard work” has paid off. I am currently in this black hole of time that seems to last forever, the time in which you over analyze every little twinge that you might actually have or make up in your mind. To make it worse there is even a website (http://www.twoweekwait.com/web/) that will not just aid in your “symptoms” but add to the neurosis of this period of time in your cycle. On this website you can check to see what a positive looks like on any pregnancy test, they have many many success stories, lists of early pregnancy symptoms, blogs, boards and quizzes. Oh, yes it is fuel to the already crazy women who are trying to conceive. I normally refuse to go onto this site, I am an anxious wreck as it is, but I admit that I occasionally wander to this site during my two week wait; I wish, hope and pray that I can one day soon become one of the success stories. Throughout this horrible time in my cycle on a daily basis not only do I drive myself crazy but I am sure I drive my husband up the wall as well. I try not to get my hopes up so that if the cycle doesn’t work I won’t be totally crushed. However, if I do not get my hopes up at all it is almost as if I am so incredibly pessimistic that I somehow feel my negative thoughts will give me a negative outcome – literally. I waiver back and forth on whether this cycle worked or was another bust. On some days I am so sure that I convince myself that I am pregnant and on other days I try to focus on what to do next since I am sure this cycle "obviously" didn’t work. It’s very hard to keep your steadiness in it all. This cycle might just be the worse one on trying to keep my balance. It was my first medicated cycle, so between the side effects from the medication that mirror pregnancy symptoms (bloated, sore breasts, hot flashes and pimples) and just the extra hope that since there were three eggs instead of one that are odds are just a little better. On the other side of that if this cycle didn’t work then maybe just maybe the doctor has a better understanding of my ovulation pattern and next month we will have perfect timing. So here I sit on a surf board of confusion trying to keep my balance on the waves of the two week wait.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving ~ Albert Einstein

Camaraderie with Strangers

2008-08-13T15:34:00.001-04:00

This morning I had to go back into see my RE, Dr. T, for more blood work since my first IUI was cancelled on Monday due to my progesterone levels and missed ovulation. While sitting in the office with the other 8 women, I began to think about how we were all there for one thing: to get pregnant. We all have an unspoken bond; we had invested all of our trust, faith and hope into one man, a doctor, to help us have a family of our own. Just sitting in the office I feel a little less alone then I do before walking into the door. I wondered if any of the other women were unexplained like me, how they deal with the everyday unknowing of infertility and what they did on their own before searching out medical treatment. I know where my husband and I have been, what we have tried on our own, how easy it is to obsess over every little twinge, temperature and timing. While going through this thing called infertility I have become very determined and obsessive over trying to have a baby. It isn’t something that I am proud of but it is the truth. I never knew that I carried this quality; I always prided myself in being an easy going person that goes with the flow, and more often than not without a plan. However when you have a goal that most people can attain so easily, it’s hard to think of yourself or anyone else having any obstacles to accomplish the same goal. Nevertheless one in six couples have been diagnosed with infertility, and this morning I had the unfortunate privilege of sitting with eight of them in a quiet waiting room of hope.

A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met. ~ Unknown

Starting From Scratch

2008-08-11T17:53:00.000-04:00

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to start from scratch on a project that you started. I wish it were that easy with trying to conceive. When I first got off of birth control pills in February of 2007 I remember looking dearly into my husbands eyes so confidently telling him that "I feel so fertile". That seems so long ago, and at times it seems like yesterday but here we are a year and eight months later and still have not conceived. We were diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility in April of 2008; I couldn't be happier that we are healthy and everything looks as it should, however it is also a tough pill to swallow since there is not a clear cut answer on what is wrong and how to fix it. The road has been a little bumpy and sometimes we feel a little lost but it has brought us here like it or not.

I hope that this blog is not just a way for me to vent my frustrations or express my worries, but a way for other couples also dealing with unexplained infertility to not feel so alone when going down this path, I hope it makes the road we are traveling on seem a bit brighter. When seeing our reproductive specialist he asked how we dealt with the stress of life combined with infertility it was so nice to be able to honestly tell him that it has made our marriage stronger. Although at times I wonder why God has given us the challenge of Infertility I know that at the end of this journey when we have our precious baby we will have more patience and understanding then we did before starting on this chapter in our lives.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago Hoping I would find true love along the broken road But I got lost a time or two, Wiped my brow and kept pushing through I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you Every long lost dream led me to where you are Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars Pointing me on my way into your loving arms This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you ~ Rascal Flatts