The Infertile Time Traveler

This month marks a year since we first began using fertility treatments. I can see the former version of myself from one year ago, I remember my thoughts and the anticipation I had for the year ahead of me. Secretly making plans for how I would arrange the nursery, making little shopping lists in my head when I saw someone pushing a cute patterned stroller, seeing babies interact with their parents still made me happy and every day I would think ahead of what I would be doing today and how life would be… I never could have imagined that I would still be sitting here today without being pregnant or without a baby in our arms. Such high hopes and determination lived in my soul, my biggest fear at the time was that the IUI’s and fertility drugs would not work and we would need to use IVF to become pregnant. I ‘knew’ that the IUI and all of the meds that I was pumping into my body would work… why wouldn’t it after all we are unexplained – perfect on paper.

A year has quickly passed from that first medicated cycle and now I currently sit 10 pounds heavier from the hormones and the growing appetite the meds gave me. My biggest fear is no longer about having the IVF but that it will not work and that I will not be able to carry our children, never experience pregnancy and all of the wonderful symptoms that go along with it. It’s amazing to me, how in a year your way of thinking and even being can change: I can still picture what a positive pregnancy test will look like (unfortunately a little clearer now since we had a false positive last month) I can still imagine being pregnant and even think about all of the pregnancy classes at the hospital that I want to drag Tom to, I can envision Tom and I seeing our first ultrasound and even holding our baby for the first time… none of that has slipped away from me. The only thing that is different about my way of thinking, is that now I unfortunately get a little twinge in the pit of my stomach during those beautiful thoughts as I try desperately to blink back the tears and push the horrible thought away that it may stay just a dream and not become our future reality.

Fear not for the future, weep not for the past ~ Percy Bysshe Shelley

The Infertility Game...

Laugh at yourself first... before anyone else can ~ Elsa Maxwell

A day meant for praying...

For a Friday this has been pretty crappy. It's unfortunate when you look forward to a day all week and when it gets here it becomes the worst day of the week.

I received two pieces of bad news today...

The CEO of my company whom, made our office feel more like a family rather then a normal business environment lost his fight with cancer this morning. I know that he is in a better place now but my heart hurts for his family including his eight children who surrounded him with love during his last minutes on earth, for his friends whom he treated like family and for his employees who loved & respected him like a father.

I pray that all that love him are comforted and find strength when they feel like they do not have any left.

My friend, and infertility sister on the other side of the country had her egg retrieval yesterday for their first IVF after three years of infertility. Unfortunately only 2 out of the 13 eggs retrieved were able to be fertilized.

I pray that she and her husband find peace in the fact that although their results were less then they had hoped for that the two remaining embryos grow into the beautiful babies that they have dreamed and prayed so long for.

Please keep both of these wonderful families in your prayers; one that has lost a member and the other so desperately trying to gain one.

For no prayers unanswered and no prayer unheard