Things to be Thankful for...

This has been the most difficult year of my life. Other then my constant battle with infertility; my Mother and Grandfather were both diagnosed with cancer this year (4 surgeries between them) and my Great-grandmother broke her hip. I feel like most of this year has been spent in Doctors offices and hospitals. However, I know that God doesn't give us more then we can handle and although my cup runneth over with difficulties, what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger, right?!? When you have so many things that can ruin your day and weigh heavy on your mind it is easy to forget the blessings in your life. So in the spirit of the upcoming holiday I wanted to list the things that I am thankful for -

1. My husband, who is not just my soul mate & my bestfriend but my partner in crime; he is always there with a shoulder to cry on when I need one, I can always count on him for an honest opinion and he helps me find my strength when I do not think I have any left. ~ And for recently not only surprising me with the last three books in the twilight series but for also taking me to see Twilight even though he was only the 10th hetero man in the audience and the third oldest (I thought I would add this since I know he reads my blogs and because I wanted to share that this kind of selfless behavior is why he is the greatest husband in the world)

2. My family, because even when they are loud and/or embarassing, they have made me who I am today and I love them.

3. Friends, because they are the family that you choose. I know that know mater how many days we go without talking because our lives get busy that they are just one call away.

4. My Furbaby Austin, because even when he is being annoying or hyper he will always be my first baby.

6. I am thankful for my home. This year there are many people filing foreclosure and are homeless this holiday season. Although our house is older and in need of some repairs, it is our warm and cozy home.

7. I am thankful for the fact that both my Husband and I are employed and have health insurance. Sometimes, neither of us are happy with the work that we do but we do have a paycheck coming in and that is something to be incredibly thankful for.

8. Lastly I am thankful for being an American and living in a Country where although I did not vote for our newly elected president - I as a woman was able to vote, have fertility treatment available to me and am able to worship my God freely.

Not how we say our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our Thanksgiving ~ W.T. Purkiser

Holiday Wishes

The holidays are quickly approaching, my favorite time of the year. Cool weather, eggnog and hot cocoa, houses and trees trimmed in lights, shopping (I am not going to lie) and spending time with loved ones. After all it is supposed to be the happiest time of the year - magical, the time when anything can happen, dreams come true, no matter how big or small.

It doesn’t matter if it’s part of your letter to Santa, the sight of the very first star of the night or a shooting star, if it’s during your nightly prayers, when forwarding annoying wish granting emails, before throwing a penny into a well, or when you are blowing out your birthday candles; no matter the occasion couples with infertility know exactly what they are wishing for. Like the wish itself is engraved into our hearts there is never a question or a pause as to what the wish will be, a constant repeating whisper the wish is always at the tip of our tongues waiting for the opportunity to be freed from our thoughts into God’s waiting ears…

It’s difficult not to think of what we were doing last year for the holidays, and unfortunately we are in almost the same position as were last year wanting the same thing for Christmas. We were at the time just starting to see the OBGYN fearing a problem, even then never had a doubt in our minds that we wouldn’t have a child this time of year, it is what got me through the holiday season last year. However here I sit a year later, contemplating my next IUI and/or speaking to the doctor about more testing.

This cycle has been a nice break for us. Although I hate that I had a cancelled cycle because of a cyst, I think it was a blessing in disguise. I have been doing some research during this cycle off. I have found some interesting things regarding different types of IUI’s and am planning on asking Dr. T’s opinion on them. One is a FSP (fallopian tube sperm perfusion) this is almost exactly like an IUI except they use more of the solution, a longer catheter and release the sperm into the fallopian tubes. The study on the FSP has had mixed results. Some show no significant difference in success rates; others show that FSP works better for unexplained couples (BINGO?!?). I don’t think it will hurt to ask Dr. T’s opinion as well as do some more research on this myself. Another thing on my mind is what Dr. T said at one of our first appointments - that a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis was not necessary as long as my tubes were open and there weren’t any signs during the hysteroscopy or HSG. However I found that I do have some of the symptoms and that endometriosis is sometimes confused/misdiagnosed for IBS which is what I was diagnosed with at age 11 (the age I started my first menstruation). I honestly feel like we are all missing something that could be the underlying cause of our infertility. I really would like to have ALL of my medical records sent to Dr. T to look over.

Because of the holidays we are also discussing skipping our next cycle. Although, we know that inevitably it would mean another cycle without getting pregnant - a cycle that we could have had medical help with I am not sure I can handle a failed medicated cycle during the holidays. Unless you have experienced it yourself, you have no idea how much more it hurts to have a failed medicated cycle then one where you try on your own. I do not want to fake a smile during Christmas or New Years; I would like to be genuinely happy and if at all possible without a dark cloud hovering over the season. Besides who is to say we won’t have our little Christmas miracle of our own after all?

Dreams are like stars…you may never touch them but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny.

Super Tuesday

If you haven't done so already... Do not forget to vote!

"Ask not what your Country can do for you... Ask what you can do for your Country!" ~John F Kennedy