Thinking "Fertile" while patiently waiting for our Miracle

Time to catch up on this cycle’s blogging.

Last Thursday I did my first injection of menopur. Tom was at his softball game so I video taped myself administering the shot. I thought it would be a great idea, so that Tom could witness the first shot and since I am a baby around needles it would be a terrific idea to have something to get my mind off of sticking a nice size needle into my stomach. However I can’t say that it went off without a hitch, I couldn’t get the meds back into the syringe, I some how managed to get a vacuum so when I would pull the syringe back the vacuum would send the meds back into the vial. I had to call the on call nurse who helped me fix the problem. She said that she had never had that problem before, but I knew that it was my luck since I was home alone and this was my first injection. Tom did my second dose menopur shot on Saturday night and my trigger shot Monday night. He did an awesome job and it didn’t hurt too badly either, I couldn’t believe how fast he was compared to when I gave it to myself.
Monday morning I had my follie scan and E2. I had four good size follies; 20, 16, 15 & 13 mm and some smaller ones that were under 10mm. My E2 (estrogen) came back at 814, and my lining was an 8. I was all set to have my trigger shot that night and an IUI on Wednesday. I am so excited to have 4 follies this cycle, Dr. T. said that 4 would be the most he would proceed with so I wanted those four and I did it exactly. The nurse said that because I have 4 follies we have a chance of multiples this cycle. If we have a chance at multiples we have an even better chance of at least one healthy beautiful baby.
Yesterday (10/8/08) was our IUI. Tom had to be in at 8:30 to give his sample and I had to be back at 10 for the IUI. Dr. T went over our file and said that everything looked great for this cycle, Tom had 48 million post wash this cycle (last cycle he had 39 million). Tom stayed with me sitting on a chair next to the stirrups during the IUI. I am so grateful to have him with me during the IUI's it makes me feel like at least he is there for the first stages of our soon to be child's life since we are not able to do it the old fashioned way. Dr. T even asked if Tom wanted to do the the IUI (after he inserted the catheter - all Tom would have to do was push the plunger on the syringe in) Tom declined - that is why we are paying Dr. T the big bucks! We are hoping that the extra 9 million sperm and 2 more eggs will be the extra boost we need to have our baby. Dr. T told me to “keep fertile thoughts” which I found ironic since this month I have been trying and succeeding on keeping positive thoughts. I had to stop by the pharmacy on the way out of the office to pick up my new prescription of progesterone. The pharmacist – always friendly asked if I was pregnant because of the prescription dose that I was getting. It was very strange to have someone ask me if I was pregnant, at first I was kind of upset and said “no” quickly but then as I was leaving I was excited thinking that possibly one day soon my bloat from all of the meds would actually be a baby bump and I would be able to say happily “yes”. This is going to be a long two weeks!
We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness. ~Unknown

Something New

This cycle we are starting a new regimen, we are adding a couple injections to our cycle. The new drug is called Menopur it is the only FDA approved drug based solely on pregnancy rates! Some women take this instead of Clomid but we are in Dr.T’s words adding it in “baby steps”. So from day 3-7 I will be taking Clomid at night, and on day 6 & 8 I will take an injection of Menopur. I will not be taking Estrogen Suppositories like I did last month though, the injections are supposed to also help with my lining. I am pretty nervous about giving myself the first injection on Thursday; Tom has a softball game that night so I am on my own. I loathe needles, so it should be pretty interesting giving myself an injection – what us women do to have babies! On Monday I have my first follie scan which will be CD10, we are hoping to achieve our goal of 4 healthy follies and our ultimate goal of a positive beta!
Information on Menopur: www.ferringfertility.com/medications/menopur/

Willie Nelson said “Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones you’ll start having positive results.” I am going to live by this theory this month & try to avoid anything negative at all costs. It will be interesting to try and stay positive and stress free. I think it will not only be great for my body and our baby making capabilities but also my soul. I believe in thinking positively and unfortunately it’s hard to stay optimistic while going through IF not just because of disappointments but also because of unknowing what the future holds. Last month I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up that I became a little bitter and very pessimistic; which does nothing for a person. So this month I am trying to live by my own rules and those of the great Willie Nelson and enjoy life, appreciate what I have, and think positively toward the future. So save your drama for your Mama and leave your crap at the door.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty ~ Winston Churchill

All Aboard the IF Rollercoaster

Here we go again yet another nose dive. Every day more then the last I am ready to get off of this ride. This is definitely not an exhilarating, hands in the air while laughing ride, nope it’s more like a haunted house version of “It’s a small world”. So this Sunday morning (12dpiui) I decided to take yet another pregnancy test. There it was staring back at me another stark white test that was all too familiar of a sight. It is probably the strangest thing how all of your hopeful thoughts about IF are still there but once you see a negative test all of those good feelings just get pushed to the back of your head, waiting there until the next cycle until you can scrounge them up again. I knew before I took the test that it was going to be negative, call it ESP, women’s intuition, or just being intune with your body but this entire cycle I ‘knew” that the first IUI didn’t work. I laid there in bed arguing with myself about taking the test. I knew that the negative would hurt no matter if I already knew what that’s what it was going to be or not, but I thought if I didn’t take the test I would be kicking myself all day wondering or not if the test was positive – and it’s so hard for me to hold my pee for 4 hours. So I did it and it hurt worse then I imagined it would. I *try* not to think about it… I try to be numb to the situation but when you invest so much into something you want so deeply it’s so hard not to get upset. So tomorrow I will call Dr. T’s office and see if they still want me to come in for a blood pregnancy test or if I can just schedule my next baseline u/s once my period starts and the IF cycle roller coaster will start at the beginning yet again.

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Carl Bard