Do not read this entry if you are trying to stay optimistic!
So after getting yet another negative this cycle, I cried, it was the first time that I have cried this entire time TTC. I didn’t just cry - waterworks that could have been easily misconstrued as the Niagara Falls fell from my face for a good two hours. It was also the first time that my husband was visibly angry and hurt by infertility. Although we are unexplained and technically not being able to reproduce so far is neither one of our faults I felt like it was my body that was being defiant and sometimes I feel as if I am letting him down and am taking our dream away. I could imagine how it would be hard for a Fertile Myrtle to understand mourning over something you never had to lose in the first place. However other girls who also have trouble trying to conceive know the feeling, its not that you are sad about what could have been its more of what might never be. You have to go through so many emotions during a month which in retrospect is a very short time. Try putting those up and down months into a year or more. It takes a toll on your mental and physical well being fast. I feel as if I have turned into a two year old throwing a tantrum on the floor of a toy store. “It just isn’t fair – Why us?” Since I was a little girl with curls carrying a baby doll every where I went – I knew I was meant to be a mother, to have a family. So in a lot of ways I just can’t give up on a dream I have had for as long as I can remember being. I can still imagine what it will be like, I can picture me being pregnant, having Tom hold my hand through labor, seeing our babies for the first time, watching them sleep, the first day of school, learning how to drive, their first date, their first apartment. I can see it all everything except two lines on a pregnancy test. This cycle has somehow changed our view on infertility ‘when’ has officially as hard as it is to swallow became ‘if’. I never imagined in a million years that we might never have the chance to have children of our own. We have talked about kids since we moved in together 7 years ago - it was always “when we have children…” I can’t believe our dreams might be taken away from us. I am mad, sad & confused - optimism just went out the window.
Tomorrow I go in for my beta to make sure that the home pregnancy test was accurate. When I get the official results back we will discuss next cycle. This cycle seemed so perfect to us, we can’t imagine a better cycle except one that will end in a big fat positive. Now we begin to think what didn’t we do that would have helped make it work, what can we do this cycle that we didn’t last, what did we forget? Ultrasound, Pills, Injections, Sex (yes we still have sex – somehow that seems to be a question lately), Ultrasound + blood work, another injection, IUI, suppositories and waiting. It seems so much more then the average couple who can just have sex to produce another living breathing being. Part of me thinks of the miracle of reproducing and how something so spectacular takes time to produce, but then I see a pregnant teenager in a store, horrible stories of child abuse on the news, and it brings me back to reality even morons can reproduce, but we might never be able to – and then I turn into the two year old again.
We fall so that we can learn how to pick ourselves up again!
