I’ve Got High Hopes

Today is CD2 (Cycle Day) of our 18th cycle trying to conceive. I had my appointment this morning with Dr T, for my baseline U/S (ultra sound). Dr T apologized for last cycle not working and asked how Tom and I were managing things emotionally… I told him we were okay and that while we had some hope we knew that it might not work the first try with clomid especially since we weren’t able to do the IUI. So Dr.T. proceeded with the ultrasound, my ovaries and uterus looked great and I was given the green light to start clomid again this month. What a relief! I was secretly worried about having cysts and having to sit out this cycle. I asked him about my follicle size last month (I had a 30,25&15 on CD12) he said that he would like the follies (follicles) to be 20-22 and mine were much bigger so we will come in on CD9 for the follie scan this month and probably trigger (ovulation induction with an Ovidrel shot) that day as well so we will not miss our window for the perfect eggs to do the IUI with. Since my uterine lining was an 8.1 last month (the lining where the embryo implants) he will not do the IUI unless it’s an 8 and the thicker the better, so he also prescribed me Estrace (estrogen suppositories). However that means they had to drop me from the clomid study, which thankfully it isn’t that big of a deal since clomid is one of my cheapest meds at 15 dollars. So next Friday is my follie scan, and depending on those results we will do the trigger shot and IUI soon after.
After seeing the doctor, I was led into the “education” room with the nurse getting my calendar and instructions for this cycle. A woman in the hall shouted “It’s Twins” they were the lesbian couple that I noticed in the waiting room earlier. I might have let my outside match my insides when I heard the big announcement so it is possible that the nurse noticed, so maybe that is why she looked at me and said “Don’t worry everything looks good, last month was just practice & that will be you very soon! I just know that this is going to work for you!” Although, there is no way of her knowing that for sure it was a great feeling to have an Rn that see patients everyday & who has my chart in front of her telling ME I will be able to have that same excitement with my husband, and soon. It was a great way to end my appointment and I left feeling renewed and hopeful for this cycle!

Links to know more about the meds I will be taking this month:
Clomid - http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/clomiphene-citrate-for-infertility
Ovidrel - http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/serono/products/ovidrel/index.jsp
Estrace – http://www.webmd.com/drugs/mono-6300-ESTRADIOL+TABLET+-+VAGINAL.aspx?drugid=78021&drugname=Estradiol+Vagl
Progesterone - http://www.drugdigest.org/DD/DVH/Uses/1,3915,7353%7CProgesterone%2BVaginal%2BSuppositories%7C5308,00.html

Sometimes someone says something really small, and it just fits right into this empty place in your heart.
~ Angela Chase

Waiting to Begin

Today AF is officially two days late. As you can imagine this morning it wasn’t like I had a little voice in my head telling me to pee on a stick but an entire crowd chanting Test, Test, Test…so I did and of course it was a Big Fat NEGATIVE; even after I held it up to the light, stared at it for more then the allotted time and tilted back and forth, it couldn’t be any more stark white then it was. Unfortunately it’s a familiar sight, after this being the 17th cycle of seeing it I almost feel like I am in that movie Groundhogs Day. Most of me knew that it was going to be negative, and I prepared myself for it but a small part of me was still holding out hope that it was going to work this cycle even without the IUI. This is the first time that my cycle has gone this long but it is also my first medicated cycle and obviously clomid has made my LP (luteal phase) longer. I guess technically clomid did it’s job just not the way that I would like it to and I haven’t decided completely if clomid is my friend or a backstabbing & manipulative drug. Of course I would rather not spot before AF, and I loved having 3 follicles instead of one but I do not like how clomid tricks my mind and body into thinking that it’s pregnant and I hate how long it made this cycle. So now I am anxious to start a new fresh cycle, disappointingly I still have to wait for AF so that I can schedule a baseline ultrasound (normally day 2 or 3 of your cycle) and see if the next cycle is a "go" for more clomid and hopefully a trigger shot and IUI. I have so much faith in this upcoming cycle working; I just hope and pray that all of the emotion and time that my husband I have invested will be worth it at the end of next cycle.

I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning ~JB Priestly

Hope at the End of a Dark Tunnel.

Yesterday afternoon I decided to take a home pregnancy test. Normally AF (Aunt Flow) arrives 14dpo (days past ovulation) and yesterday was day 13, I hadn’t started spotting like I normally do 7-8dpo so it was time to test, I couldn’t take it anymore. So before going to dinner with our friends I decided to take a HPT (home pregnancy test); bad idea it was negative. Needless to say I was and still am crushed. Of course the other little voice in my head said maybe it was still too early to test, maybe you diluted your urine with all of the water you drank, maybe just maybe the test is wrong. Either way I was still quite upset and it turned my mood sour. My husband apologized like he always does after a negative test; I took a deep breath and continued to get ready for dinner. Before we got to the restaurant we went into a book store that is in the entertainment complex that the restaurant was in, and found a book (Stori Telling, the Tori Spelling biography) that I have been looking everywhere for. Little things can pick my spirit up fast, and reading will definitely take your mind off whatever is plaguing you so it was a win-win! At the restaurant you can only be seated when your entire party is there. So while waiting for one of the couples to arrive that was stuck in traffic, I was able to talk to one of our good friends who also had infertility problems and are now blessed with a beautiful 11 month old daughter and one on the way. They also did the IUI route and it worked for them - they give me hope. She asked if I had tested yet this cycle and I told her that yes it was negative. So we started discussing her treatments and success. My friend told me that the month she conceived her daughter with IUI she was at the end of her rope, they had just started the adoption process and didn’t think the IUI was going to work. So she prayed to God that she would do everything she needed to do to get pregnant and now she was leaving it up to him, and her faith in him on the outcome. She was tired of crying whenever she saw a negative and knew that although it crushed her it was all in God’s plan for her. Whatever road God wanted her to take to have a child she was going to take, whether it be a biological child of her own or adoption. That month she found out she was pregnant with Miss Delaney. She of course said that hind site is twenty-twenty and at the time she didn’t know if that is why she was able to get pregnant that month but now looking back she is sure of it. On the way home my husband I were talking about our friends and how it was nice to know people that have been through what we are going through now. I decided that she was right, and it isn’t because it is what they thought made it possible for them to conceive her daughter that month. They were right because although I try not to get my hopes up I still do, they were correct because I feel helpless at times after doing everything that we can to get pregnant and we aren’t. Although I know that God has a plan for everyone and everything happens for a reason, and while I pray to God for him to bless us with a child I had never prayed to him letting him know that I leave our fate in his hands with faith in him to bring us on the perfect path for my husband and I. So although I know that I will still obsess over the fact that today is 14dpo and I still haven’t started my period and haven’t even started spotting, I know that I cannot change the outcome of each cycle. It is what it is and I have faith that if I do everything in my power to get pregnant that the Lord will one day bless us with a child of our own.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. ~Proverbs 3:5-6