Thursday, November 10, 2011

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise

Monday, November 7th was our 3dt. On Saturday we received our fertilization report, but still had no idea what we would have still going strong until we arrived at the office. We were preparing ourselves for bad news while praying for good news. We had decided on the ride over that I would be happy with 8-10 out of the 16 and Tom being optimistic said we are shooting for double digits. Our IVF nurse met us in the lobby and told us they weren’t quite ready yet but to go ahead and take the valium. Then she mentioned that everything looked fantastic – so I asked “do you have the numbers?” She said we had

Three 8 Cell 0% Fragmented
Nine 8 Cell 5% Fragmented
Two 8 Cell 10% Fragmented
One 12 Cell 5% Fragmented
One 6 Cell 10% Fragmented

Which meant all 16 were still alive! I just squeezed Tom’s hand… we were both speechless! Not only are they all still alive but 14 were 8 cell – the exact size they should be at 3 days past retrieval. We had one Speedy Gonzalez and one who was a little bit lagging… BUT THEY WERE ALL STILL ALIVE – PRAISE GOD!

They brought us back into the same room we waited in before the ER. Again we sat staring at the framed collage of babies on the wall. The IVF Nurse came in and said that they were running behind and that we should be able to start our ET in about 10 minutes. Tom and I wondered if it was the same couple who made our ER run late as well (joking about it kept our mind off of what we were doing, what we were waiting on). I was floating – not only because of the wonderful embryo report but because of all of the water I had drank before the appointment (You must come in with a full bladder for the ET) and boy was mine full!

Finally it was our turn. I returned to the same bathroom with a line of lockers – my locker was available, Locker #2 I though this must be good luck! This time I was able to keep my jewelry on as well as my garments above the waist. I wrapped another robe around my body and returned to the room that just three days before I was there to remove my eggs that are now beautiful embryos! I was greeted by Tom, the RE, and the embryologist (Seth). Seth had to come in and talk to us in person, he said that we kept him busy and we had wonderful eggs and sperm. He believed that we would have 10 to freeze. The doctor also congratulated us on what we had already accomplished. Tom asked why we haven’t been able to get pregnant on our own or with IUI before. Dr. Sanchez stated that sometimes even though my tubes seem clear the sperm do not make there way up, the egg doesn’t make there way down etc. Sometimes we just never find out the reason why we cannot get pregnant on our own. Dr. Sanchez also said that if we ever for whatever reason decided to do another fresh IVF cycle (instead of a Frozen cycle) we would not need ICSI!

So then it was time to begin. I scooted down the chair to get into the perfect position. Dr. Sanchez comment on my perfect uterus and my very full bladder. The nurse pressed down the very cold ultrasound to my lower abdomen… she pressed down from the outside and the doctor pressed up from the inside. He attempted a few different things to get a good angle and decided that my bladder was TOO full. Right then the embryologist stuck his head out of a little cubby hole that is in the wall between the embryologist room and the retrieval/transfer room, to see if the Doctor was ready to be handed my precious embryos. I couldn’t help but imagine the Wizard from the Wizard of Oz sticking his head out of the door to the Emerald City and chuckled to myself. The doctor explained to Seth, the embryologist, that I had to empty “ a little “ out. Oh, sure Doc no problem… I was actually kind of happy as I skipped down the hall to the restroom looking forward to relieving a bit of the pressure. I was always told not to stop peeing once you have started as that will cause urinary tract infections, so this was not something I was accustomed to. TMI Warning: I let a little out, but still had to go pretty badly, so I let a little more out and began to panic – how much do I let out, have I already let out too much? Will I have to drink more? Oh, well what is done is done; I will just see what the ultrasound says. So I walked back to the transfer room questioning my urinating abilities. The Doctor was no longer in the room but the nurse checked to see what she thought and said we should be good so she went to get the doctor to try again.

Dr. Sanchez returned and explained to both Tom and I that he wanted it to go perfectly, whether that mean I urinate a little or drink more – he wanted to ensure the best possible transfer. I smiled at Tom and we both shook our head in agreement with the doctor. The doctor then said everything looked okay to proceed. I felt a lot of pressure, and kept my eyes closed thinking of accepting these beautiful rockstar embryos into my womb, and at other times I looked at Tom who was stretching to see the ultrasound pictures (he thought my bladder was my uterus so he wasn’t much help LOL). It took a lot longer than IUI’s did, and I appreciate him strategically placing the embryos into my uterus. He printed two pictures (one for my file and one for Tom and I to take home) of our embryos being placed into my uterus. It was the most beautiful picture that I had ever seen. I spent the rest of the day in bed with the love of my life, my furbaby and our two precious embryos.

CD 44 / CD15
Day 7 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
It doesn’t matter the time of day, with or without meals this sucks!
Day 2 Endometrin (100mg three times daily)
So Easy, but not the most convenient thing in the world

CD 44 / CD16
Day 8 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
Yuck!
Day 3 Endometrin (100mg three times daily)
Oink oink I will be a pig – because I am eating everything in sight!

Somewhere over the rainbow, Skies are blue, And the dreams that you dare to dream, Really do come true. ~ Dorothy: Wizard of Oz

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Ring Ring



We found out on Saturday November 5th that out of the 17 eggs retrieved, 16 were mature and ALL 16 fertilized. I remember hugging Tom in our living room and sobbing on his shoulder. It was better than what we could have ever imagined. We didn’t have solid numbers but it didn’t matter we had 16 little embryos with both of our genes sitting in Petri dishes two hours away. That was something in the past four years we weren’t sure could happen.

CD 43 / CD14
Day 7 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
I have 16 embryos – I don’t care how crappy it makes me feel… I am on top of the world!
Day 1 Endometrin (100mg three times daily)
Still doing pretty good with this white pill.

Even miracles can take a little time ~ Fairy Godmother (Cinderella)

Retrieval Day



The day of the retrieval I had an odd sense of calm, going in. I was concerned about what the quality and quantity of eggs that would be retrieved, but I knew in my heart I did everything in my power to grow the eggs that could some day be our ½ of our child(ren). I wore my white velour hoodie and yoga pants that I wore the day of our wedding (who cares if it was after Labor Day-I live in Fl people, we wear white all year long), along with a brightly colored tank that was pink, blue, aqua and lime green striped (I didn’t want to wear pink or blue, and green was my Great-Grandmother’s favorite color – I wanted to represent everyone), and some comfy Dr. Scholl’s flip flops. I packed the car for the ride home with plenty of water, crackers, vanilla wafers, a pillow and a comfy blanket… and we were off. Tom and I barely spoke on the ride there about what our morning would bring. It was a rainy Friday, and although we didn’t speak about the retrieval I thought about how I was born on a rainy morning and how are child(ren) would be conceived on the same type of day – that had to be good luck! The ER scheduled before me was late, she had problems getting there because of the rain, Tom and I wondered if she had a two hour commute too, but tried to cut our anticipation down by looking at the framed collage of baby pictures that hung in the room they placed us in to wait as we held hands. We signed our waivers, met the anesthesiologist and then it was time. The IVF nurse showed me to the restroom that had lockers that I could place all of my belongings and valuables. I closed the door and began to undress, placing everything in Locker#2. Before placing my wedding rings and my Great-Grandmothers ring in my purse I kissed them for luck and closed the locker door. I stood in front of the mirror placed on the bathroom door and stared at myself wearing a maroon hospital gown. I was staring at a face of an excited, anxious, worried woman who was finally going to conceive her child(ren). Tom was waiting in the surgery room with the nurse and anesthesiologist. I handed him the key to Locker#2 and sat down on the chair. The anesthesiologist began by hooking me up to the heart monitors, blood pressure cuff and finger oxygen meter and proceeded to give me oxygen. Tom noticed that I was not wearing my socks… he didn’t want my feet to get cold so he went to get my socks and then put them on for me. Another reason why I have the best husband, he is my prince charming, my soul mate and my best friend. The anesthesiologist joked about giving me the Michael Jackson drug (since the trial was still going on during this day). It was time for Tom to kiss me and leave me in the hands of the RE. The doctor laid the chair back and raised it up while I positioned myself on the chair/table hybrid with the knee stirrups. I was asked to take a couple of deep breaths… I remember thinking okay they better make sure I am asleep before they start. The next thing I know Tom is standing beside me and they are finished with the retrieval. It seemed so quick to me. Tom stroked my hair as I regained full consciousness which didn’t take long. I sat up soon after and we were told that out of the 17 follicles we knew were growing they retrieved 17 eggs!!! I had to finish the IV of liquid before I was able to leave, and was on bed rest for the entire day. However I was also famished, and asked Tom to stop at Cracker Barrel since we had a two hour drive home I knew I couldn’t make it all the way home on just the crackers that I had packed. I hobbled into the restaurant and was served quickly! I felt like I really needed to reward myself with yummy veggies before spending the rest of the day in bed. Tom and I spent the entire day in bed watching movies. It was such a nice day together – that we will NEVER forget!

CD 42 / CD13
Day 6 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
Because I couldn’t eat in the morning, I thankfully missed my morning dose although I took it in the afternoon. I am happy I am over half way done with this nasty aqua pill
Day 1 Endometrin (100mg three times daily)
Not too bad, so far no side effects!

Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway.~Mary Kay Ash~

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Ultrasound, Blood Work & Repeat




After Friday I was scheduled to return 4 days later for a second look at my growing ovaries and the lovely follicles that filled them. The night before my scheduled scan I had intense pinching feeling in my ovaries that only worsened as the night went on especially when I stood. I was so very concerned that this was ovulation cramping. The following morning we drove to see what exactly was going on with our cycle. Thankfully I was wrong! Our follies were growing and my E2 showed I had room for a little more growth. I had to return the next morning for another look-see.

I was aware that my IVF Coordinator would be absent from this appointment the following day. I was kind of surprised in the difference of care between two ladies, and appreciate who I have up until today been coordinated by. It wasn’t that today’s nurse/IVF Coordinator was rude or unprofessional but she was very quick and kind of seemed lost. I have thin veins that they always have a difficult time taking from. This nurse decides to have a phlebotomy student draw my blood. Which I do not mind, however this student decided to use a large needle instead of a butterfly that even the most experienced phlebotomists have to use. While she was getting my arm ready, the student asked the nurse to double check that she was choosing a ‘good vein’. I just looked at the nurse who then looked at me and said “don’t worry you aren’t her first patient”. The student then stuck my arm and went per the nurse “too far” needless to say it hurt quite badly… After showing me how to mix the HCG she was ready to get rid of me. I then explained to the nurse that I have to travel two hours to my appointment and have not had my morning injection, my nurse lets me use a conference room she said okay and left me in the phlebotomy room. Tom and I began mixing the meds and started to inject the Lupron into my leg (pants down around my knees) only to have wallpaper contractor walk in. I don’t think that he saw anything… but I couldn’t believe that she wouldn’t make sure no one came in. She then told me that I might have to come back tomorrow depending on my E2 results and that she would call. She really didn’t seem to want to be ‘bothered’ with us. It was quick and she barely provided any information.

5 hours pass and finally I call to see what is going on. She said that my E2 levels were higher than what they had anticipated (4,428 from 2,312 the previous day) and that I should only take ½ a dose of the HCG and ER would be scheduled for Friday. She didn’t go into detail but from what I gathered from my friend Google the dosage is dropped to hopefully avoid OHSS.

Throughout our IUIs Tom had given me my injections… for some reason during our IVF I had him give me my injection only once. I am not even sure why, as I always thought that him giving me my injections kept him involved in the process. So tonight I had him give me my HCG Trigger shot. We disagreed on the location of where we were told the injection should be. So we ventured onto the computer for Youtube videos and found a couple to remind us the perfect spot. I iced my bottom and felt nothing more than a quick sting, and that was it 36 hours later a doctor would be harvesting the eggs that might one day be ½ of our child.

Tomorrow is my ER. I am excited, nervous, anxious and… scared - not about the procedure itself, but the results. We have waited so long to be here and I almost wish I could ‘pause’ for a little longer before tomorrow. I am so concerned about the quantity and quality of eggs. I have always yearned for an explanation for our infertility… but I will never be ready for bad news regarding our fertility.

CD 39 / CD10
Day 16 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
Injection in the office & finished my first vial. I have been given a second vial.
Day 9 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
Its working! Today’s scan showed that we are close to our Egg Retrieval.
Day 3 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
Oatmeal helped with the morning dose… no nausea!

CD 40 / CD11
Day 17 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
A gentleman who was hired to hang wall paper walked in as I had my jeans around my knees in the phlebotomy room… Tom swears he didn’t see anything as he was close to the door. I kind of like that my last Lupron injection went out with a bang LOL.
Day 10 of Menopur (75iu subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
Today is my last day of stims. It is almost like saying “good bye” to a friend… I have gotten so use to giving myself a daily injection it has become part of my morning routine.
Day 4 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
I really hate this antibiotic… remind me if I ever get sick in the future to make sure that the doctor doesn’t prescribe me this antibiotic.
Novarel HCG Trigger (1ml, IM injection)
I quickly became accustomed to the shallow subQ shots… and missed them dearly when I saw the 25 gage 1 ½” long needle. We have moved on from the tiny needle placed delicately in my stomach or upper thigh, to the behind, through the skin and into the muscle. The nurse had quickly showed on herself (over her clothes) the optimal spot for this injection. However when it was time… Tom and I disagreed on this spot. Time was quickly approaching so thankfully youtube came to the rescue! I iced my bum and Tom did the injection. I am happy to report that it didn’t really hurt just a little sting.

CD 41 / CD12
Day 5 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
Yuck! That is all I have to say!

Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. You can't see the future, yet you know it will come; you can't see the air, yet you continue to breathe. ~ Claire London

Monday, October 31, 2011

IVF Meds Update

Tomorrow will be our second follie check. The IVF Coordinator said that she believed after speaking with the RE after our scan on Friday that we would not have our ER until a week from today. I honestly cannot imagine going so long, and am concerned about what tomorrow's appointment will bring. I just hope that I haven't waited too long, I wish I would have gone in today instead... Trying to relax and have positive thoughts!

CD 36 / CD7
Day 13 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
A little red mark which seems to be normal, and I am pretty used to the itching/mosquito bite feeling
Day 6 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
I really began feeling bloated today! Grow follies grow!

CD 37 / CD8
Day 14 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
It is the never ending vial of meds. I am still using the original vial of Lupron. I cannot believe I have taken 210 units of Lupron out of this vial so far… and it still has some left!
Day 7 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
HOT FLASHES! Up until today I really haven’t had any side effects besides at the injection location. Today I felt awful, and although my skin was cool to the touch I was burning up!
Day 1 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
First day of antibiotics, Tom has been on them for five days and has complained every day that his stomach hasn’t felt well. He doesn’t do well on medicine so I really didn’t think much about it except for feeling sorry for him… well now I understand what he means… this little blue pill packs a big punch. If you are prescribed this with your IVF make sure that take this with food.

CD 38 / CD9
Day 15 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
No side effects that I have noticed…(I still have not emptied this little vial – I don’t know why I am so amazed by this)
Day 8 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
I have been experiencing major twinge/pinches in ovary area. I emailed my IVF coordinator who assured me it just means that my follies are getting nice and big and said she would see me in the A.M. I cannot imagine that I could possibly go a week from today before ER.
Day 2 Doxycycline (10mg twice daily)
Didn’t take my own advice and eat with my morning dose - total mistake NAUSEA!

Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, In a most delightful way ~ Mary Poppins

Friday, October 28, 2011

A Goldilocks Frame of Mind

Today was my first follie check/scan. The tech is quick and I am not even sure she found and measured them all. Maybe I am just used to my RE in Orlando who takes his time and shows me the follies as we go through. I kind of feel like a spy as I stretch to see what she writes on the file. 8 on one side and 9 on the other… and some more smaller ones that she did not count nor measure. The IVF Coordinator said that she expects for the RE to harvest 15 eggs with all of the same quality and size, which is exactly what they want. She explained that they do not want too many or too little and that 15 is “JUST RIGHT” I feel like Goldilocks. Our next Follie Check will be on Tuesday. This is just another lesson on “how to relinquish control and trust in the doctors”. As my research and heart tells me that follies grow 1-3mm each day… and the perfect size for the trigger shot is between 15-20mm, so triggering in 7 days seems like it is too late. However my brain and common sense is that I am not a doctor. Thus I am going to try and not outsmart my common sense. Anytime I feel unsure about the doctors decision I will repeat to myself not too early, not too late, not too many, not too little “JUST RIGHT”.

CD 35 / CD6
Day 12 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
“JUST RIGHT”
Day 5 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
My needle broke off and stabbed me in the thumb. Here I am trying to look like a pro in front of the IVF Coordinator and she had to get a band aid since it refused to stop bleeding. She also brought me extra needles to last until my next appt. which is three shots away (Tuesday). Unscrewed the needle and put a new one on and we were good to go. Tom gave me my injection since I was too busy nursing my thumb. This is the first injection he has given me this cycle. He is a pro – the injection was quick and painless.

If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up. ~ Deepak Chopra

Regaining Control of the Uncontrollable



There is only one thing that you know for sure while going through your IVF cycle and that is you cannot control ANYTHING. Not your baseline u/s antral follie count, not your E2 levels, not how many follies you will have, not how many eggs they will be able to retrieve, now how many eggs will fertilize, not how many embryos will mature, not how many embryos will survive and definitely not how many will implant.

It isn’t like I need to be in control of every situation. However the overwhelming feeling of having absolutely no control over anything leaves you demanding to be included in the decisions of your own fate. No matter how many times you tell everyone (including yourself) that you are leaving it in God’s hands, that what ever that happens is ‘meant’ to happen… deep down you long for feeling like you had a hand-in helping things go your way.

Maybe it is just my Type A personality but I never expected to get this type of satisfaction from my daily injections. Organizing my meds, preparing and administering the daily injection lets me feel as if I am in control. Maybe it is because I have wanted and waited so long to have an IVF Cycle that I feel as if I need to embrace and savor each moment. If I have faith that God has for some reason or another decided this is the road we must go down to become parents and has given the knowledge so that doctors can help us conceive... Then my only job is to prepare my body for pregnancy and that includes my daily injections. I am thankful that he has given me this task so that my idle hands will not Google and I will feel ‘involved’ in the process.

CD 33 / CD4
Day 10 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
Expect the unexpected… this morning I prepared both my Lupron injection and the Menopur+Bravelle injection. I had them both ready to go sitting on the table as I mapped out the best possible location for today’s injections. Alcohol swabbed and ready to go I pinched my skin and looked at the needle IT WAS BENT! I am not sure how but it was… So I injected the Lupron back into the vial and grabbed a new syringe. I am so happy I have a few extra syringes
Day 3 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
Besides a little burning, and swelling around the injection site I did not have any real side effects today.




CD 34 / CD5
Day 11 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
Ouch! My first choice of an injection site this morning wasn’t agreeable. I tried sticking myself with the needle only to find that it wouldn’t go in… the second spot was much better and it went in just fine. I guess I just have more muscle at this particular spot of my thigh. I have a little welt from where I first tried to stick myself, but the second spot and actual injection location feels fine. Just shows that you never totally are a pro no matter how many injections you have given yourself.
Day 4 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
Today’s injection didn’t burn as much as it has previously.

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will. ~ Epictetus

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

IVF is a Numbers Game






I held my husbands hand as he drove us 2 hours through 4 counties, a few cities and multiple little towns to our baseline appointment. I found myself quietly running crappy scenarios through my head. I was afraid that AF just showed up for a couple of hours the day before for no good reason at all and that I had not suppressed, that I would not have any antral follies and that I would be disqualified for the clinical trial. I was hoping for the best and preparing myself for bad news.

I found on the internet that E2 should be below 50 and the lower the number the better response for stimulation. http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/hormonelevels.html
Mine was 21.8 (Tom’s lucky number is 22 so we will just say it is 22)

During my internet hunt for info, I also found out how many antral follies I should have (16-30 had the best outcome) http://www.advancedfertility.com/antralfollicles.htm so you can imagine my frustration with the tech did not want to count all of my follies. Wanting not to seem like a crazy person I hinted instead of demanding that I wanted to know exactly how many, but she just said that I had a good amount and all were around 4-6mm. Didn’t she know that it is important to know how many?? However I saw her write on the chart mindlessly 4mm 4mm 4mm 4mm 4mm 5mm 6mm for both ovaries – I am not going to over think this one since it appeared that this seemed like a formality to her and just a job requirement to jot something down.

Our next appointment and first follie check will be on Friday. It was supposed to be Saturday but the IVF coordinator called to change it. Although I was looking forward to a weekend visit (because of the drive and missing work) I am happy to have the appointment pushed up so I can get a glimpse into this cycle. I hope for many follies but I pray that at least one egg will become ½ of our child.

CD 31 / CD2
Day 8 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
We went from 20 units down to 10 units today.
Day 1 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
We mix one 75iu vial of Menopur with two 75iu vials of Bravelle and 1cc of sodium chloride into one syringe. It burned a little, but it was a sadly familiar feeling from having used Menopur during our IUI cycles. It was just a little sore at the injection site, no other side effects.


CD 32 / CD3
Day 9 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
It seemed as if a drop of Lupron mixed with blood came out at the injection site. Surprisingly other than just a quick acknowledgement I didn’t panic. Luckily no bruise appeared later in the day. I am still getting headaches late in the night but thankfully no migraines like earlier into the injections.
Day 2 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
First day on my own mixing without supervision, well besides my Husband who sat on the couch that kept asking if I needed help… but I didn’t, I was prepared and partially excited to do it on my own. The injection burned and about a half inch around the injection was swollen for most of the day. I had cramps later in the day and felt a little bloated.


The heart does not calculate in numbers; it confers contentment which is immeasurable. That contentment can arise only through faith ~Atharva Veda

Happy Birthday Austin!




Our furbaby, Austin turned 12 on Saturday. Orange, hairy and four legged or not - no matter what anyone says he will always be our first born and “Mama’s baby”. It is so difficult for me that he is getting older and is considered a senior puppy; although Austin is still pretty vigor and acts like he did 6 years ago! I will spoil him every day, and appreciate every day we have with him.

CD29
Day 6 of Lupron (20units, supQ injection)
I woke up, took my injection and went straight back to bed- if it itched or hurt I wouldn’t know because I slept right through it. That is one thing about scheduling injections so early to go along with the work week… you can never sleep in on the weekends. Although AF wasn’t supposed to arrive until 7-10 days after starting Lupron, I started spotting and cramping this evening… (Wondered/worried if I gave my injection too low on my leg, not even sure if that is possible)

CD30 / CD1
Day 7 of Lupron (20units, supQ injection)
I woke up to full on AF although it was lighter later in the day. After texting with the IVF Coordinator we were told to come in for our baseline appt. on Monday, hoping and praying I am suppressed enough to remain in the clinical trial and begin stimming. Horrible Migraine in the evening!

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras

Friday, October 21, 2011

Music to My Ears


Last night we received a call from my step-father at about 7:00pm. He works the night shift and said that one of his employees had Sugarland tickets for a concert that would start in 30 minutes that they couldn’t attend, and wanted to know if we would like to go. Free tickets… for a concern in our new arena… a night out of the house? We were in! So we both quickly got ready and off we went. It was an awesome concert! If you like Sugarland, you must see them live, they put on a fabulous show! Kristian Bush actually gave out a guitar during the concert that was signed by Jennifer Nettles to a little girl in the stands (so sweet) he even walked it to her himself.

Maybe it is because we are starting IVF, but I found myself relating some of the lyrics to their songs to infertility. It just shows that no matter where you are, no matter how hard you try to forget, infertility follows.

Little Miss ~ "Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win, It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, It'll be alright again"

Just Might ~ "But if you can look in my eyes, and tell me we'll be alright, If you promise never to leave, You just might make me believe"

Stand Up ~ "There's a comfort, there's a healing, High above the pain and sorrow, Change is coming, can you feel it, Calling us into a new tomorrow?"

CD 27
Day 4 of Lupron (20units, supQ injection)

Well, maybe I don’t have it down packed. No bruising but it did bleed a bit. I had a headache this afternoon, although I am not sure if it is related. I wake up before my husband so rather than having a man who is half a sleep stab me with a needle I give myself the injection… I think this weekend I will let him join in on the fun.

CD28
Day 5 of Lupron (20units, supQ injection)
No crazy dreams but I did wake up with a headache. Today’s injection was much better, no bleeding, no bruising, no pain… just a little itching.

Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music. ~Ronald Reagan

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

MISSION: Optimism

I need to learn how to not let negativity and doubt flood my thoughts. Anytime I explain the IVF process, a little voice in my head follows with something negative… it is possible that my Google-ing addiction is to blame. You see, I have found myself submerging myself into other ladies experiences with IVF. Case in point, DH and I are running errands and we were discussing IVF and Lupron and our next appointment. So as I explain how Lupron is suppressing my ovaries, and how the blood work next appointment will confirm that I have been suppressed correctly so that I can start the stimms and begin making follies/eggs J… just as I finish this statement, a little voice says “yes as long as you are not over stimulated” ~ stupid know-it-all voice! I cannot say that I am totally pessimistic, I am hopeful that this IVF will work and that this will be the answer to our prayers. Sometimes I pointlessly walk into the spare bedroom just to imagine how nursery furniture would be arranged, I do math in my head to try and figure out a due date, and I dream of how we would announce our pregnancy. However, the other part of me doesn’t want to get my hopes up, I want to be a realist so that if it does not work, than my entire world will not feel like it is completely crumbling around me. After all in the four years of trying to conceive we have never achieved and a pregnancy at this point it is feels impossible. Although, if it doesn’t work I am not sure being a realist will protect me from being completely devastated. But, if I am going to be a realist than I have to also know that other than properly taking the meds as I am prescribed, I have no control of whether this IVF will work or not. I must have faith because no one got anywhere with negativity. I have to leave it in the hands of God because he is the only one who knows for sure. So from this point forward call me cautiously optimistic.

CD26
Day 24 of BCP (Loestrin24)
A bit nauseous, nothing new – last pill tonight!!
Day 3 of Lupron (20units, subQ injection)
Preparing the syringe and letting it sit for a few minutes before
injecting it really seemed to help! No burning, no itching and no
bruising. By George I think I’ve got the hang of this!

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. ~ Winston Churchill

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Googling + Family Generosity + Love = Our Surprise IVF

I have been a bad blogger – this I know. But when your blog is overcoming infertility, and you are on a break from treatments, you get writers block and I just so happened to have had a couple of years of writers block. DH lost his job, I lost both of my Great-Grandmothers and we had lost our hope of ever affording IVF. My life didn’t apply to the blog I had began to document our infertility journey.

I am so happy to report that I am back to blogging which means that we are beginning IVF (I am in utter disbelief, even as I type this). I keep thinking we are beginning IVF#1 (ladies normally add a # behind their IVF even for their first), but NO I say that we are starting IVF with no definitive number, because one number normally follows another... and this WILL be the IVF that will begin our family ~ how do you like that for optimism?!?

~How this ‘Surprise’ IVF began~
Since DH has been unemployed, I have been Google-ing daily along with his job search for “free” or “discounted” IVF along with clinical trials. On Wednesday 9/21 I found a “Mixed Menopur” Clinical Trial that is about an hour and forty five minutes away. I had no clue what this trial would involve, and being at work I couldn’t call so I EMAILED.

That night DH and I went to the grocery store and as we walked through the aisles I told him of what my Google-ing expertise found and that it would be amazing if this was the answer we had been longing for. I had read of other women finding clinical trials where their entire IVF cycle was paid for… I will always remember this conversation between my husband and I in the deli section of the grocery store fondly. The past couple of years we rarely spoke of infertility treatments as in “possibly soon”, often times when we spoke about IVF it was ‘when’… much like when we spoke of having children of our own.

The next day I heard back from the clinic (Florida Fertility Institute) and was asked a few preliminary questions … we were qualified to continue to the next step as long as if we could afford $5,000 which would be the cost of the IVF and all of the meds. Other OOP IF’ers know how much of a steal this is. Many couples pay $5,000 on meds alone. So I told the clinical trial director that I would need to speak it over with my husband. She understood although stressed the fact that there were only 12 spots in total available at this clinic, and we were toward the end of that number. I immediately called DH, I didn’t think that it was possible. $5,000 was still a LOT of money especially on a one income family (DH, our furbaby and myself is “our family”). He said, that it could be ‘do-able’ that maybe we should speak to our families since they have offered before. DH and I really hate asking for ‘hand outs’ we are what some would call a ‘proud’ couple, but this was an opportunity we had to try and take advantage of. DH spoke to his Mother and I to mine – EVERYONE was on board! I called that Friday and was told to call the day AF shows up to being our IVF cycle. Over that weekend I remember looking at my husband and asking “are we crazy, you do not have a job, you are back in school, and this will be the closest we will ever be to starting our family…” DH took a deep breath, smiled, and said “we would be crazy if we didn’t, we have to move forward in our life”. I knew he was right and it always feels better to hear I have his support even if I already know that I have it.

I am a type A personality. This is something that I wasn't aware of until planning our wedding. I like to have a plan, and I had one for IVF. But life sometimes doesn't allow you to plan - oh another lesson that infertility has given me. If you want to make God laugh, you tell him your plans.

That Monday 9/26 we had our first 4 hour commute for IVF - we went in the office for blood work and I began BCP that day as well. The following week we went in for more tests… DH had another SA, and I had a date with the vag-cam. Although they found a fibroid on/inside my uterus (still need to find out about this) I was told it was not in the area where the baby :::swoon::: would implant and we were good to go, we were still qualified for the clinical trial! Today we visited again so that I could learn how to give myself an injection of Lupron which I will continue through stimms.

The drive is hard on both of us. We get up before the sun comes up, kiss our furbaby good bye as we make our trip to the west coast. I cannot decide the best part of our trip; when the new morning sun is reflecting off of the river on our way to the office, or on our way home when DH and I discuss with hope the possibility that our child(ren) will be conceived in the same city we spent our one year wedding anniversary.

Here are some pictures from our commute :



The Doctors Office :





CD 24
Day 22 of BCP
Nausea & Fatigue from day 1 I do not recall ever feeling so poorly on
BCP. Maybe it’s the brand, not too sure, but am so happy I only have
a few days left.
Day 1 Lupron (20units, subQ injection)
Today I was taught how to give myself a Lupron injection.
Sitting with my jeans pulled down around my knees, my
Husband to the right of me and the nurse to the left I gave
myself my very first lupron injection in my right thigh. The
injection site bled for a second, but it didn’t hurt, so you can
imagine my surprise later in the day when I found a quarter size
bruise on my thigh. I hate to think of what my thighs will look
like after a few weeks of these injections. Cramping at night, crazy
dreams and (TMI warning) dark discharge

CD25
Day 23 of BCP
Same old’ same old’… nothing new to report. Although the
thought that I will NEVER have to be on BCP does put a
smile on my face!
Day 2 of Lupron (20units, subQ injection)
This morning’s injection site did not bleed like yesterday.
Although it did burn, and itch afterward, so tomorrow
I might try preparing the syringe and letting it sit for a little
bit while I get ready for work so that it isn’t so cold.


Art must take reality by surprise ~ Francoise Sagan