I began spotting Monday 7dp3dt two little red specks followed by pink discharge on my endometrin applicator it went away but by Thursday night (10dp3dt) I had watery dark red spotting. I just knew it was over. I called my IVF Coordinator and asked if I could come in the following day (Friday) even though my beta was scheduled for Monday. I couldn't wait an entire weekend for the inevitable.
I cried most of Thursday night even though I tried my best to prepare for the negative beta. Actually throughout the entire 2ww I *thought* I was preparing myself for the worst, turns out you can never prepare enough. I am sad for the two beautiful embryos that I spoke to daily did not become our children. I wondered what was wrong with me. I felt it was my fault that we did not become pregnant - I appologized over and over to Tom who reassured me that it was no one's fault.
Friday Morning came around we sat in the office and I thought that I felt stronger, I kept repeating to myself "it will be okay, we are okay". Maddie our IVF coordinator came in to the waiting area and asked how we were... My eyes welled up and I shrugged and nodded my head blinking back the tears.
Tom stood by my side during the blood draw and I felt like I had regained my composure. I guess a nurse we had seen before passed by and asked how we were - Tom shurgged and said that I had began bleeding - It was so sad to see him heartbroken I felt the warmth run over my face and again I had to choke back the tears.
Because we were part of a clinical trial, I had to complete a physical and ultrasound (even we all knew it was over). The PA that took care of me when we had our retrieval/transfer did my physical. She had me take a couple of deep breaths to check my lungs then asked if I was all right - I lost it, started bawling... It was so embarassing.
The doctor told the nurse he would speak to us if we wanted. WE WANTED (especially since we live a couple of hours away and I didn't want to come all the way back for this appointment - my friends on the infertility board call this the WTF appointment - I see why it is called that now).
Dr. Sanchez said that he is completely surprised that we were sitting there discussing a negative pregnancy test. He said we had 70% chance of getting pregnant with our first IVF because of everything throughout the IVF was perfect. He said I would be a great egg donor, that Tom's sperm fertilized the eggs naturally and easily, that we had 100% fertilization, that the embryos were fantastic and that if we would have put back three instead of two we would be having a totally different conversation - being pregnant and scared of triplets.
Tom asked if everything is perfect than why can't we get pregnant on our own, why didn't the IVF work we must be missing something. Dr. S said that he believes although my tubes are clear with the HSG that the sperm and egg are not finding each other on a normal cycle. The IVF he believes failed because 50% of all embryos are chromosomally abnormal.
We also found out that the nurse gave me a wrong report. The embryos that they did not freeze was because they did not make it to the blastocyst phase they were morulas on day 5. I asked the him if there was a chance that possibly the ones we transferred (3 day transfer because that is all this office does) did not make it to the blastocyst phase, but he didn't think that was the case.
I asked if there could be something wrong with me and my uterus where the embryos do not implant. The doctor again said no. My lining was great (still want to Google on this... Dr Sanchez also said that no additional testing is necessary before we try with our 3 frosties (frozen embryos). They freeze all three together so they would all need to be defrosted and hopefully we would have two make it out of freeze... if so he said he still would only want to transfer two, but that would be our decision on what to do with the third.
Tom and I discussed it and think we will still transfer all three when we cycle.
I am so scared that the Frozen cycle will not work either and we only have one shot left since all three frosties are frozen together. If they weren't then I probably would have transferred one at a time so we had more shots at a BFP. I am too scared we would lose some trying to re-freeze and thaw. However Dr Sanchez is confident that the FET will work.
If for some reason the frozen cycle is a bust Tom and I will save money for cycles with Dr. T who is local and discuss with him the possibility of genetic testing on our embryos.
IF SUCKS! ~Emily
