Between the holidays and the grieving of the loss of my friend we decided to take a few cycles off and start fresh in 2009. It was definitely the right thing to do, the month of December is a blur of crying and faking smiles while celebrating the holidays.
A couple cycles had past and 2009 arrived – back to the RE. I was greeted at my first appointment of the New Year by Milton McNichol – Dr. Trolice’s new partner. It was probably the oddest thing to meet someone while lying on a table naked from the waist down (besides a sheet) and go from shaking their hand to allowing them to perform a vaginal ultrasound. Anyhow, Dr McNichols continued where Dr. T had left off – 50mg of Clomid starting on CD3 for five days with 3 shots of Menopur and back for blood work and a follie scan in a week. When I returned a week later (cd9), disappointedly it was Dr. McNichol yet again. He had issues with the ultrasound machine and at first stated that I had too many follies to proceed, then decided against that and said I didn’t have too many but my lining was much too thin to proceed with an IUI (it was a 4), and after deliberating with himself he decided to cancel the cycle because he believed that although I could wait a few days for my lining to thicken by that time I would have too many mature follies to proceed. (I was later called and told my E2 was 1004) So we would just have to have timed intercourse and pray that it would work. Disappointed, I left the office and waited a couple weeks for AF to arrive.
That brings us to this cycle. I called Dr. T’s office and requested that I only be seen by Dr. T from now on. On my cd3 visit Dr. T changed my meds to Tamoxifen (yes the chemotherapy drug normally used for breast cancer patients) instead of clomid and continued me with the booster shots of Menopur for this cycle. He believed that the Tamoxifen would improve my lining. I returned for my follie scan and blood work on CD 9 (Tuesday, February 17th). This time around my lining was an 8.5, I had three follies – two at 12mm and one at 16mm, my E2 was 405. This is the thickest my lining has ever been, before this 6 (which is the bare minimum) is the thickest I have ever been able to achieve. Everything looked good to go, I had another Menopur shot the next day (Wednesday), Thursday I had my trigger (Ovidrel) shot. Friday morning, the day of our IUI, rolled around. Dr. T was at the hospital that day and we knew we would have Dr. McNichol perform our IUI. Dr McNichol took what seemed like F-O-R-E-V-E-R to insert the catheter, Tom said it didn’t seem that long but when its your legs that are spread it’s a different story and believe me it took a lot longer then Dr. T had ever taken. I had a lot of cramping that weekend, which I have never had cramping after an IUI before… so I am hoping that it’s a good sign. This Friday, March 6th, 2009 we will be able to find out if this cycle did the trick. I am praying, and trying to stay positive without getting my hopes up. I have no symptoms or side effects at all, and although part of me wonders if that means something good or if it means exactly what it feels like – nothing, only time will tell for sure.
On a personal note in our journey, both Tom and I on separate occasions have had our own infertility breakdown since my last blog. Tom’s was first; bless his heart. We were at his Uncle’s 50th birthday party. Three of Tom’s cousins who are either in their early twenties or late teens and all unmarried were there with either a baby bump or their newborn babies. He was very upset and angry at our circumstance while sitting and watching all of the new parents who seem to take it all for granted. Mine was just last week, a day after our IUI. We were at my in-law’s house for Tom’s step father’s birthday party. At first I was fine, most of the time I can push any feelings I have aside. On that night however things were different, I had to excuse myself from the party and spend the rest of the night upstairs. Although his was mostly anger and I was a crying mess through mine we somehow persevered we were there to support each other, and I believe we are stronger in the end, stronger as a couple and individuals facing this thing called infertility.
On a happier note today is Tom and I’s third year wedding anniversary. I never thought that on our third anniversary we would be childless and facing infertility. However here we sit, learning from the obstacles on our journey to becoming parents. I know that God has given me my perfect soul mate in Tom, I couldn’t ask for a better man to spend my life with.
I didn't want to keep you all in suspense I tested this evening after work, it was .... NEGATIVE (again). I had Tom read the results I just couldn't bare to see it for myself although I new what the outcome would be -this amongst many other times in the same situation I wish that I were wrong.
