This month marks a year since we first began using fertility treatments. I can see the former version of myself from one year ago, I remember my thoughts and the anticipation I had for the year ahead of me. Secretly making plans for how I would arrange the nursery, making little shopping lists in my head when I saw someone pushing a cute patterned stroller, seeing babies interact with their parents still made me happy and every day I would think ahead of what I would be doing today and how life would be… I never could have imagined that I would still be sitting here today without being pregnant or without a baby in our arms. Such high hopes and determination lived in my soul, my biggest fear at the time was that the IUI’s and fertility drugs would not work and we would need to use IVF to become pregnant. I ‘knew’ that the IUI and all of the meds that I was pumping into my body would work… why wouldn’t it after all we are unexplained – perfect on paper.
A year has quickly passed from that first medicated cycle and now I currently sit 10 pounds heavier from the hormones and the growing appetite the meds gave me. My biggest fear is no longer about having the IVF but that it will not work and that I will not be able to carry our children, never experience pregnancy and all of the wonderful symptoms that go along with it. It’s amazing to me, how in a year your way of thinking and even being can change: I can still picture what a positive pregnancy test will look like (unfortunately a little clearer now since we had a false positive last month) I can still imagine being pregnant and even think about all of the pregnancy classes at the hospital that I want to drag Tom to, I can envision Tom and I seeing our first ultrasound and even holding our baby for the first time… none of that has slipped away from me. The only thing that is different about my way of thinking, is that now I unfortunately get a little twinge in the pit of my stomach during those beautiful thoughts as I try desperately to blink back the tears and push the horrible thought away that it may stay just a dream and not become our future reality.
Fear not for the future, weep not for the past ~ Percy Bysshe Shelley
8 years ago
