A Goldilocks Frame of Mind

Today was my first follie check/scan. The tech is quick and I am not even sure she found and measured them all. Maybe I am just used to my RE in Orlando who takes his time and shows me the follies as we go through. I kind of feel like a spy as I stretch to see what she writes on the file. 8 on one side and 9 on the other… and some more smaller ones that she did not count nor measure. The IVF Coordinator said that she expects for the RE to harvest 15 eggs with all of the same quality and size, which is exactly what they want. She explained that they do not want too many or too little and that 15 is “JUST RIGHT” I feel like Goldilocks. Our next Follie Check will be on Tuesday. This is just another lesson on “how to relinquish control and trust in the doctors”. As my research and heart tells me that follies grow 1-3mm each day… and the perfect size for the trigger shot is between 15-20mm, so triggering in 7 days seems like it is too late. However my brain and common sense is that I am not a doctor. Thus I am going to try and not outsmart my common sense. Anytime I feel unsure about the doctors decision I will repeat to myself not too early, not too late, not too many, not too little “JUST RIGHT”.

CD 35 / CD6
Day 12 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
“JUST RIGHT”
Day 5 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
My needle broke off and stabbed me in the thumb. Here I am trying to look like a pro in front of the IVF Coordinator and she had to get a band aid since it refused to stop bleeding. She also brought me extra needles to last until my next appt. which is three shots away (Tuesday). Unscrewed the needle and put a new one on and we were good to go. Tom gave me my injection since I was too busy nursing my thumb. This is the first injection he has given me this cycle. He is a pro – the injection was quick and painless.

If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up. ~ Deepak Chopra

Regaining Control of the Uncontrollable

There is only one thing that you know for sure while going through your IVF cycle and that is you cannot control ANYTHING. Not your baseline u/s antral follie count, not your E2 levels, not how many follies you will have, not how many eggs they will be able to retrieve, now how many eggs will fertilize, not how many embryos will mature, not how many embryos will survive and definitely not how many will implant.

It isn’t like I need to be in control of every situation. However the overwhelming feeling of having absolutely no control over anything leaves you demanding to be included in the decisions of your own fate. No matter how many times you tell everyone (including yourself) that you are leaving it in God’s hands, that what ever that happens is ‘meant’ to happen… deep down you long for feeling like you had a hand-in helping things go your way.

Maybe it is just my Type A personality but I never expected to get this type of satisfaction from my daily injections. Organizing my meds, preparing and administering the daily injection lets me feel as if I am in control. Maybe it is because I have wanted and waited so long to have an IVF Cycle that I feel as if I need to embrace and savor each moment. If I have faith that God has for some reason or another decided this is the road we must go down to become parents and has given the knowledge so that doctors can help us conceive... Then my only job is to prepare my body for pregnancy and that includes my daily injections. I am thankful that he has given me this task so that my idle hands will not Google and I will feel ‘involved’ in the process.

CD 33 / CD4
Day 10 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
Expect the unexpected… this morning I prepared both my Lupron injection and the Menopur+Bravelle injection. I had them both ready to go sitting on the table as I mapped out the best possible location for today’s injections. Alcohol swabbed and ready to go I pinched my skin and looked at the needle IT WAS BENT! I am not sure how but it was… So I injected the Lupron back into the vial and grabbed a new syringe. I am so happy I have a few extra syringes
Day 3 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
Besides a little burning, and swelling around the injection site I did not have any real side effects today.

CD 34 / CD5
Day 11 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
Ouch! My first choice of an injection site this morning wasn’t agreeable. I tried sticking myself with the needle only to find that it wouldn’t go in… the second spot was much better and it went in just fine. I guess I just have more muscle at this particular spot of my thigh. I have a little welt from where I first tried to stick myself, but the second spot and actual injection location feels fine. Just shows that you never totally are a pro no matter how many injections you have given yourself.
Day 4 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
Today’s injection didn’t burn as much as it has previously.

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will. ~ Epictetus

IVF is a Numbers Game

I held my husbands hand as he drove us 2 hours through 4 counties, a few cities and multiple little towns to our baseline appointment. I found myself quietly running crappy scenarios through my head. I was afraid that AF just showed up for a couple of hours the day before for no good reason at all and that I had not suppressed, that I would not have any antral follies and that I would be disqualified for the clinical trial. I was hoping for the best and preparing myself for bad news.

I found on the internet that E2 should be below 50 and the lower the number the better response for stimulation. http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/hormonelevels.html
Mine was 21.8 (Tom’s lucky number is 22 so we will just say it is 22)

During my internet hunt for info, I also found out how many antral follies I should have (16-30 had the best outcome) http://www.advancedfertility.com/antralfollicles.htm so you can imagine my frustration with the tech did not want to count all of my follies. Wanting not to seem like a crazy person I hinted instead of demanding that I wanted to know exactly how many, but she just said that I had a good amount and all were around 4-6mm. Didn’t she know that it is important to know how many?? However I saw her write on the chart mindlessly 4mm 4mm 4mm 4mm 4mm 5mm 6mm for both ovaries – I am not going to over think this one since it appeared that this seemed like a formality to her and just a job requirement to jot something down.

Our next appointment and first follie check will be on Friday. It was supposed to be Saturday but the IVF coordinator called to change it. Although I was looking forward to a weekend visit (because of the drive and missing work) I am happy to have the appointment pushed up so I can get a glimpse into this cycle. I hope for many follies but I pray that at least one egg will become ½ of our child.

CD 31 / CD2
Day 8 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
We went from 20 units down to 10 units today.
Day 1 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
We mix one 75iu vial of Menopur with two 75iu vials of Bravelle and 1cc of sodium chloride into one syringe. It burned a little, but it was a sadly familiar feeling from having used Menopur during our IUI cycles. It was just a little sore at the injection site, no other side effects.

CD 32 / CD3
Day 9 of Lupron (10units, subQ injection)
It seemed as if a drop of Lupron mixed with blood came out at the injection site. Surprisingly other than just a quick acknowledgement I didn’t panic. Luckily no bruise appeared later in the day. I am still getting headaches late in the night but thankfully no migraines like earlier into the injections.
Day 2 of Menopur (75iu, subQ injection) + Bravelle (150iu, subQ injection)
First day on my own mixing without supervision, well besides my Husband who sat on the couch that kept asking if I needed help… but I didn’t, I was prepared and partially excited to do it on my own. The injection burned and about a half inch around the injection was swollen for most of the day. I had cramps later in the day and felt a little bloated.

The heart does not calculate in numbers; it confers contentment which is immeasurable. That contentment can arise only through faith ~Atharva Veda

Happy Birthday Austin!

Our furbaby, Austin turned 12 on Saturday. Orange, hairy and four legged or not - no matter what anyone says he will always be our first born and “Mama’s baby”. It is so difficult for me that he is getting older and is considered a senior puppy; although Austin is still pretty vigor and acts like he did 6 years ago! I will spoil him every day, and appreciate every day we have with him.

CD29
Day 6 of Lupron (20units, supQ injection)
I woke up, took my injection and went straight back to bed- if it itched or hurt I wouldn’t know because I slept right through it. That is one thing about scheduling injections so early to go along with the work week… you can never sleep in on the weekends. Although AF wasn’t supposed to arrive until 7-10 days after starting Lupron, I started spotting and cramping this evening… (Wondered/worried if I gave my injection too low on my leg, not even sure if that is possible)

CD30 / CD1
Day 7 of Lupron (20units, supQ injection)
I woke up to full on AF although it was lighter later in the day. After texting with the IVF Coordinator we were told to come in for our baseline appt. on Monday, hoping and praying I am suppressed enough to remain in the clinical trial and begin stimming. Horrible Migraine in the evening!

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras