All Aboard the IF Rollercoaster

Here we go again yet another nose dive. Every day more then the last I am ready to get off of this ride. This is definitely not an exhilarating, hands in the air while laughing ride, nope it’s more like a haunted house version of “It’s a small world”. So this Sunday morning (12dpiui) I decided to take yet another pregnancy test. There it was staring back at me another stark white test that was all too familiar of a sight. It is probably the strangest thing how all of your hopeful thoughts about IF are still there but once you see a negative test all of those good feelings just get pushed to the back of your head, waiting there until the next cycle until you can scrounge them up again. I knew before I took the test that it was going to be negative, call it ESP, women’s intuition, or just being intune with your body but this entire cycle I ‘knew” that the first IUI didn’t work. I laid there in bed arguing with myself about taking the test. I knew that the negative would hurt no matter if I already knew what that’s what it was going to be or not, but I thought if I didn’t take the test I would be kicking myself all day wondering or not if the test was positive – and it’s so hard for me to hold my pee for 4 hours. So I did it and it hurt worse then I imagined it would. I *try* not to think about it… I try to be numb to the situation but when you invest so much into something you want so deeply it’s so hard not to get upset. So tomorrow I will call Dr. T’s office and see if they still want me to come in for a blood pregnancy test or if I can just schedule my next baseline u/s once my period starts and the IF cycle roller coaster will start at the beginning yet again.

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Carl Bard