All Aboard the IF Rollercoaster

Here we go again yet another nose dive. Every day more then the last I am ready to get off of this ride. This is definitely not an exhilarating, hands in the air while laughing ride, nope it’s more like a haunted house version of “It’s a small world”. So this Sunday morning (12dpiui) I decided to take yet another pregnancy test. There it was staring back at me another stark white test that was all too familiar of a sight. It is probably the strangest thing how all of your hopeful thoughts about IF are still there but once you see a negative test all of those good feelings just get pushed to the back of your head, waiting there until the next cycle until you can scrounge them up again. I knew before I took the test that it was going to be negative, call it ESP, women’s intuition, or just being intune with your body but this entire cycle I ‘knew” that the first IUI didn’t work. I laid there in bed arguing with myself about taking the test. I knew that the negative would hurt no matter if I already knew what that’s what it was going to be or not, but I thought if I didn’t take the test I would be kicking myself all day wondering or not if the test was positive – and it’s so hard for me to hold my pee for 4 hours. So I did it and it hurt worse then I imagined it would. I *try* not to think about it… I try to be numb to the situation but when you invest so much into something you want so deeply it’s so hard not to get upset. So tomorrow I will call Dr. T’s office and see if they still want me to come in for a blood pregnancy test or if I can just schedule my next baseline u/s once my period starts and the IF cycle roller coaster will start at the beginning yet again.

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Carl Bard

A New Perspective

I believe that you fall so that you can learn how to pick yourself up. The journey of infertility has opened my eyes to so many things on different levels. Infertility treatment, meds and schedules are like second nature to me now and are just a part of my everyday life - as crazy as it sounds this has become my “normal”. It is incredible to think that we are given an amazing ability to create life out of “thin air”. When you are going through infertility you forget how easy it is supposed to be. Since our path of trying to conceive has led us to a doctor’s office and treatment; I am now in awe when I hear that a couple is able to get pregnant on their own after only a month or two of “trying” and especially when it was an “oops”. It seems to me that something as miraculous as the creation of another human being is nothing short of amazing and should take some time, hope, prayers, maybe even science and definitely a lot of love. I am not sure why God has chosen my husband and I as one of the unfortunate couples who require medical intervention to become parents, I have stopped asking myself and God those questions. I do believe however that waiting not only makes you hope more and pray harder it teaches you to have patience; disappointment makes you appreciate the great things already in your life; suffering teaches you compassion and understanding. I know that all of these things will make us better parents, so although infertility was not a path Tom and I chose for ourselves we will learn from our journey while we look toward our destination because I know that it is possible and one day we will have our own little bundle of miracle.

Learn from yesterday, Live for Today and Hope for Tomorrow ~ Albert Einstein

Waiting yet again...

I am sorry I have been such a horrible blogger this past week. On Friday (CD9) I had a disappointing visit at Dr T’s for my follie scan. I had a U/S a.k.a. the vag cam and found out that my uterine lining was only a 6 (needs to be an 8 or higher to proceed with IUI) and my two follies were 16&17mm. Therefore I needed to continue my estrogen suppositories until Monday for yet another follie scan. Needless to say I was confused and let down – last time on CD12 it was too late I couldn’t have an IUI, My husband I were so worried that if we waited until CD12 we would be in the same boat as last cycle plus we would have to pay for another ultrasound out of pocket. However what could we do we are not doctors and we sure couldn’t do an IUI ourselves. So we waited… On Monday Dr. T wasn’t in so they had a RN do my follie scan. My lining was an ELEVEN! I couldn’t believe that it had almost doubled since Friday it had only been three days. I am not sure if it was the estrogen suppositories, the red raspberry leaf tea or all of the prayers but it didn’t matter whatever it was it worked and I was relieved. My follies were 22.5 & 23mm I was able to trigger that morning and get the IUI. I was so ecstatic. I was so excited to call Tom and let him know that it was on for Tuesday we could finally get the IUI! I really wanted Tom to be there for the transfer so we both decided to take the day off and be bums on the couch for the rest of the day, I knew that it wasn’t necessary to take the day off of work but with all of the time, energy and money invested into ever cycle I wanted to make sure I was doing everything in my power to get pregnant. So Tuesday came, after Tom gave his sample at 8 we went to breakfast – it seemed like it took forever, but we were even able to return earlier then our scheduled time for the insemination at 9:30. After we were led back into our room, Tom sat next to me and looked at me with a nervous grin. I knew he felt the same way that I did – we couldn’t believe our lives have brought us here having to have meds and an insemination to be able to get pregnant. Dr. T came in and said that everything looked fantastic with Tom’s sperm – 73million pre wash and 39million post wash with 96% mobility. Dr. T told us to have nothing but positive thoughts and that he would see me back in two weeks for my beta (blood test to see if I am pregnant). I laid there for a good 15 minutes before getting up and dressed– the beginning of my two week wait had officially started.

A great informative slide show relating to a women’s cycle with ovulation induced meds: http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/advancedtreatments/ovulationinduction/cycle.jsp


All human wisdom is summed up into two words – wait and hope. ~ Alexandre Dumas Pere