Random Thought of the Day

Remember pregnancy "scares"?... oh how I miss those good old days!

No man is rich enough to buy back his past ~ Oscar Wilde

Waiting on our gift from heaven...

I am not sure where I heard the story that babies’ souls choose their parents - as if heaven had a catalog of lives you can lead on earth. Throughout this journey of infertility this thought in some ways has comforted me after failed cycles. Maybe the right soul hasn’t picked us out of the ‘catalog’ yet, or maybe it just isn’t time for the soul to be on earth. Tom and I have high hopes and dreams for what makes our unborn – preconceived child happy. Most of us have been told that God knows what life and fate has in store for us and I believe that this is also true for people not yet on earth. Possibly in the bigger picture it doesn’t matter that I am closer to 30 then I was when we started trying to conceive, perhaps what is more important is how old our child(ren) at a particular time in the world. Maybe it isn’t about the experience or what we as the hopeful one day parents learn from our journey, it could already be about the child we long for. Even though people may say that we did not conceive our children naturally because we need not only each other’s love, but also God, prayers, needles and a doctor to help us I still believe it is miraculous that a soul can come from heaven into our arms no matter when that will be.

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all of your heart. ~ Marcus Aurelius

Whimsical Dreams

There have been many people and cultures throughout time that believe that we receive messages from God, and little glimpse’s into the future when we sleep, to guide us through our life. Waking up from certain dreams I cannot help but wish that these thoughts and theories are true and hopefully my dreams will come true one day. My dreams are very vivid and often in them I am spending time with my children at different stages in their lives. It might be their first birthday, first day of school, cheering for them from the sidelines, or teaching them how to drive a car. Most of the time however, I am in the hospital holding them for the very first time. In these dreams I never see myself, so if it is true that you receive tiny looks into your future I do not know how old I will be when my children are at different stages in their lives. So when I am in this dream state I will just have to somehow remind myself to look in a mirror…just in case!

A dream is a wish your heart makes When you're fast asleep In dreams you lose your heartaches Whatever you wish for, you keep Have faith in your dreams and someday Your rainbow will come smiling thru No matter how your heart is grieving If you keep on believing the dream that you wish will come true ~Cinderella

A Non-update...Update

We are still on a fertility treatment break... I cannot believe it has already been four months since our last medicated/IUI cycle and here we are still on a break, which is why I haven’t blogged lately. Regrettably, I still do not have anything new to report. Tom’s company closed their corporate office at the beginning of September, so until he can find employment we are at a fertility treatment standstill – as if we do not have enough of a standstill in our lives already. We have high hopes and I have confidence that my husband will find a position soon - even in this scary economy. *If anyone knows of a company needing a very analogical accountant in or around the Orlando area please let me know - fertility friendly companies a plus* We are praying, hoping and crossing our fingers that after the stressful holidays and along with the fresh new year we will be able to also have our first (and hopefully only) IVF cycle.

Teach us, O Lord, the disciplines of patience, for to wait is often harder than to work ~ Peter Marshall

Holy Cellulite Batman!

There are a couple things you should know about me... I do not own a full length mirror or a scale - oh and I LOVE food. I judge my weight by how my clothes fit - I will be honest I knew that some of my pants that used to be relaxed or loose fit have became snug, I know that I am out of shape since I do not exercise, and am no longer the tone 18 year old my husband fell in love with almost 9 years ago. When I was younger I was very thin (doctors would ask me to gain weight) so you can imagine that I have never been on a diet & have never been active or have stuck with an exercise plan. I have been talking about dieting for a good 6 months to a year, but after going to the doctor last month for allergies I found that my short 5'2" frame had packed on 10lbs in the past year (besides the 10lbs I had already put on the last five years working my first office job) I knew that something had to change with both my lifestyle and what I was putting into my body. Especially since we will have to have IVF in the beginning of the year and would like my body to be in the best shape it can during my pregnancy. Most people want to lose weight after the baby, I want to get in shape before. So the following week I ran every day after work on our treadmill. Then... I stopped. I guess I just do not know how to stick with a diet/exercise plan since I have never been on one & apparently I am alot of talk and not enough action. However yesterday, after seeing the horrible cellulite that has formed on my thighs while shorts shopping over the weekend with my hubby, I finally put in the 30 day shred (by Jillian Michaels - the trainer on the Biggest Loser) DVD that I purchased a week ago and had my first session. It was tough!! By the end of the 20 minutes I could barely move, my legs were jello, I was panting like a dog and was moving like the heaviest people on the first week of the Biggest Loser. 1 day down 29 to go, wish me luck...

The past does not define you, the present does ~ Jillian Michaels

Baby Bumps Everywhere…

I am not sure if it’s the new trend, an epidemic or if I am just overly sensitive and aware of pregnant women lately, but I swear everywhere I turn and everywhere I go there they are – in the mall, the coffee shops, home improvement stores, movie theatres, book stores, the tampon aisle at the grocery store…No matter how hard I try to avoid the baby-danger zones I cannot escape these belly rubbing-overly giddy-glowing pregnant women and their tummies. Even in the safety of my own home when I check my email or the mailbox, read a magazine or watch T.V. there they always are taunting the irrational infertile chick much like the stack of money I could have saved if I used Geico – I always feel like they are watching me. It’s like these women are in an exclusive society and for the past two years my membership applications keep getting denied.

When I see them I cannot help but wonder if they needed fertility treatment or if they have no idea how the reproductive system works, if they are married or accidentally got knocked up (as I nonchalantly check for a ring) and try desperately to push any bit of jealousy out of my brain along with the image of the perfectly pregnant woman. So until it is my turn... I will enjoy my double shot mocha latte, sushi lunches, cocktails with dinner and hot tubs – take that pregnant women!

When life gives you lemons - make a margarita and call it a party!

The Infertile Time Traveler

This month marks a year since we first began using fertility treatments. I can see the former version of myself from one year ago, I remember my thoughts and the anticipation I had for the year ahead of me. Secretly making plans for how I would arrange the nursery, making little shopping lists in my head when I saw someone pushing a cute patterned stroller, seeing babies interact with their parents still made me happy and every day I would think ahead of what I would be doing today and how life would be… I never could have imagined that I would still be sitting here today without being pregnant or without a baby in our arms. Such high hopes and determination lived in my soul, my biggest fear at the time was that the IUI’s and fertility drugs would not work and we would need to use IVF to become pregnant. I ‘knew’ that the IUI and all of the meds that I was pumping into my body would work… why wouldn’t it after all we are unexplained – perfect on paper.

A year has quickly passed from that first medicated cycle and now I currently sit 10 pounds heavier from the hormones and the growing appetite the meds gave me. My biggest fear is no longer about having the IVF but that it will not work and that I will not be able to carry our children, never experience pregnancy and all of the wonderful symptoms that go along with it. It’s amazing to me, how in a year your way of thinking and even being can change: I can still picture what a positive pregnancy test will look like (unfortunately a little clearer now since we had a false positive last month) I can still imagine being pregnant and even think about all of the pregnancy classes at the hospital that I want to drag Tom to, I can envision Tom and I seeing our first ultrasound and even holding our baby for the first time… none of that has slipped away from me. The only thing that is different about my way of thinking, is that now I unfortunately get a little twinge in the pit of my stomach during those beautiful thoughts as I try desperately to blink back the tears and push the horrible thought away that it may stay just a dream and not become our future reality.

Fear not for the future, weep not for the past ~ Percy Bysshe Shelley

The Infertility Game...

Laugh at yourself first... before anyone else can ~ Elsa Maxwell

A day meant for praying...

For a Friday this has been pretty crappy. It's unfortunate when you look forward to a day all week and when it gets here it becomes the worst day of the week.

I received two pieces of bad news today...

The CEO of my company whom, made our office feel more like a family rather then a normal business environment lost his fight with cancer this morning. I know that he is in a better place now but my heart hurts for his family including his eight children who surrounded him with love during his last minutes on earth, for his friends whom he treated like family and for his employees who loved & respected him like a father.

I pray that all that love him are comforted and find strength when they feel like they do not have any left.

My friend, and infertility sister on the other side of the country had her egg retrieval yesterday for their first IVF after three years of infertility. Unfortunately only 2 out of the 13 eggs retrieved were able to be fertilized.

I pray that she and her husband find peace in the fact that although their results were less then they had hoped for that the two remaining embryos grow into the beautiful babies that they have dreamed and prayed so long for.

Please keep both of these wonderful families in your prayers; one that has lost a member and the other so desperately trying to gain one.

For no prayers unanswered and no prayer unheard

Receiving Hope from the (not so) Hopeless

Aside from my most recent entry I have been away from blogging from some time. Although the occasional check in from my online/email buddy in California I have had to take a break from the infertility boards and all of the blogs. Today I decided to wander onto the blogs of those that I had added to my blog for your reading pleasure. To my surprise 70 percent of them are now pregnant – wow I really have been gone from the infertility-internet world for a while! Big CONGRATULATIONS to them all and an even bigger THANK YOU! Sometimes in this journey although we never lose sight of our goal we lose ourselves in the obstacles and think that we will never accomplish our dreams so without knowing it you gave me hope when it was all but lost! I pray that I may pay it forward someday soon and provide hope to others who are still struggling to be come pregnant - that although they might feel like they are drowning in a sea of infertility their dream to become a parent will also be fulfilled.

Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day ~Sally Koch

My Cup "Crappeth" Over

I have to say I have been procrastinating about writing this post; it has been difficult to think about it much less talk or write about it with many other things going on in my life personally besides infertility. However, I feel as though I owe my blog a post about this cycle since the last post was a “to be continued…” type of post - and after all this blog was meant to be a see all journal about our battle and hopefully perseverance over infertility and an outlet for me to connect with other women who are also in my situation reaching out to them so that they know that they are not alone. So since everything needs an ending (happy or not) here it is the conclusion to this, my fifth IUI Cycle…

I can honestly say that this cycle was perfect, I really responded well to the ALL injectible cycle. I had 8 follies - four good size follicles and four not so good size follicles; my lining was thick and had the triple striping that it is supposed to have at the time of ovulation. I had high hopes going into the eight medicated cycle and fifth (my lucky number) IUI. We knew that this would be our last shot at pregnancy before stopping all medical intervention to save for in-vitro fertilization and I believe that Tom really needed a ‘perfect’ cycle to fail before he was at a place where he could think about moving on to IVF *squinting pretty hard to see the silver lining in this cycle*.

Unfortunately the first test was a false-positive. Those ten minutes between the first and second test (having Tom bring me the test -since I couldn’t bring myself to go into the bathroom and check the test for myself, realizing it was expired, running to the drugstore to pick up another test and all of the time between) was definitely one of the best feelings I have had in my life. I never thought I would actually see “pregnant” on a test and it be wrong. However the expired date on the first test made me try my hardest not to get my hopes up – but failed miserably and unfortunately they were the highest my hopes had been since trying to become pregnant. The second test came back negative and soon after I began spotting, with AF arriving in full force on Saturday. It was the hardest end to a cycle that I have had in what seems like longer then two years of trying to conceive.

With this cycle coming to a devastating end, I finally feel comfortable with stopping the treatment until we can afford IVF… for a while I felt like I wouldn’t be able to take a break, knowing that I most likely will not be able to get pregnant without medical intervention. However now I know that although it will appear and may even feel like we are taking a break from treatment we are actually moving forward in trying to conceive, and this break will be necessary for our dreams to come true at last. Being that we are now on a hiatus from going to the doctor to get ultrasounds & blood work, having multiple shots and being poked in prodded in places that I didn’t know existed before being seen by a reproductive specialist. We are now beginning a new chapter of trying to conceive – one that involves getting healthier, exercising, saving money for a baby, and taking care of our first child aka our fur-baby Austin (who has pneumonia right now – please send a little prayer his way). I am not sure what my next series of posts will contain but I will do my best to keep everyone updated in our journey, consultations and whatever else comes our way during our (hopefully little) vacation away from our fertility clinic.

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere. ~ Frank A. Clark

Thinking Positively about first ALL Injectable Cycle

AF finally arrived all by herself on Tuesday, June 9th so on Thursday I went in for my baseline u/s it appears that the cyst went away (yah!) My E2 was a 74 (it needs to be between 25-75 to proceed) and that night we started injections.

Today I went in to see how everything was cooking...My E2 was 289, my lining was almost at a 7, I had one on my right at 12mm and 5 smaller ones, my left ovary had 1 at 11 mm and 4 that were under 10mm. Not quite there yet so I have another injection tonight and one tomorrow then a follow up appointment on Wednesday to see how everything is responding. I was told that its a fifty/fifty chance that this cycle could be cancelled because of overstimulation - please help us pray that it won't happen. They told me that there is just no telling what those smaller follicles are planning on doing.

I found this information regarding E2 aka Estradiol aka Estrogen levels -
Estradiol (E2)
Day 3
25-75 pg/ml
Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating. Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.
Estradiol (E2)
Day 4-5 of meds
100+ pg/ml or 2x Day 3
There are no charts showing E2 levels during stimulation since there is a wide variation depending on how many follicles are being produced and their size. Most doctors will consider any increase in E2 a positive sign, but others use a formula of either 100 pg/ml after 4 days of stims, or a doubling in E2 from the level taken on cycle day 3.

It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts ~Robert H. Schuller

No news - not always good news...

Since it has been a while since I had last posted, I wanted to give an update. But I actually have no news what so ever - I am a week and a day late (cycle day 36) and am NOT pregnant (a pregnancy test confirmed this with one lonely line). I really thought that if I were ever late then it would mean something fantastic had happened this of course coming from a woman that spots for a good week before AF actually arrives, but unfortunately the two cyst found in the beginning of my cycle is making enough hormones to delay my menstural cycle without even a glimmer of hope that it will arrive on it's own before my doctors appointment that I have on Monday. I will find out then what my next step will be. Wish me luck...

Better an ounce of luck then a pound of gold ~ Yiddish Proverb

Infertility on Mother's Day

Mother's Day is this weekend so I thought I would share this poem that I found. It is especially for all of the ladies out there who are also using 'hope' to cope with this Mother's Day.

“Happy Mother's Day” it comes around every year; but when you have empty arms, it's very hard to hear. It's a day to celebrate a mother, for all the trials she overcame; and a reminder to an infertile of her loneliness and shame. But what really makes a mother, Is it just conception and birth? Or is there something more, that shows a mother's worth? It's putting your child first, in everything you do; it's sacrifice and determination, and love and patience too. An infertile woman makes all her plans, around a child not yet conceived; she loves them even though they aren't here, more than she ever could have believed. She appreciates and understands, what a blessing that children are; she works hard for just a chance, that motherhood is not that far. All odds are stacked against her, and yet she still has hope; everyday is another struggle, finding ways to help her cope. So even though her arms are empty, she can still be a mother too; So say a special “Happy Mother's Day” for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

Groundhog's Year

Much like the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day I feel as if I am living the same series of months over and over again. Today Tom and I went in for our baseline ultrasound and blood work... and yet again they found cysts - two to be exact both on the right ovary. I am still not quite sure how I managed to have two cysts at 22mm and 12mm since last cycle he only saw one follie on the left side, but the two cysts were visible enough for me to see them on the monitor during the scan. So yep that's right you guessed it; another cycle off. Tom always looking for the silver lining said that it was probably better since this month is my birthday. However I was very disappointed. Dr. McNichol said that a word of advise would be to do see how economical it is to continue doing IUI's instead of saving up a few or more cycles for IVF. I guess that is the thought he left us with to think about over this next medicated-free cycle.

I got you to hold my hand, I got you to understand, I got you to walk with me, I got you to talk with me, I got you to kiss good night, I got you to hold me tight, I got you I won't let go, I got you to love me so. I GOT YOU BABE ~ Sonny & Cher

New Regimen = New positive outcome (hopefully)

It’s difficult to not let infertility consume you when you feel like you are swimming in a sea of ultrasounds, blood work, pills and needles. How do you remain a woman, a wife, a daughter, and a friend without being the woman with infertility, the infertile wife, the daughter who hasn’t been able to produce a grandchild or the friend whose shoes you do not want to wear? To rise above the labels that infertility gives us and conquer the fears, heartache, and pain is not the ultimate goal in the struggle but it is the battle within the war. This is where I am finding myself on a daily basis – struggling to stay just “Me”.

Today is day 1 of my brand new cycle. I am almost completely finished mourning the last one – it’s amusing how much hope and emotional attachment you can project on a cycle as if the child was already there. Maybe the problem isn’t that I do this to myself each and every month but that I haven’t quite learned what is left to learn or for that matter what the lesson even is. I have faith and hope in God and that he has a plan and the past two years of trying were not in vain, but a part of the journey that will lead us to our baby and make us better parents at that.

I spoke to Dr. T by phone earlier this morning. My appointment with Dr. McNichol is on Monday but I feel better under the care of Dr. T, so I wanted to make sure that Tom and I are on the right track before Monday’s appointment. Dr. T went over my cycles with me and said that it might be time to stop doing IUI’s and begin saving for IVF. At this point I just do not feel comfortable with stopping treatment to save for a bigger treatment… although I unfortunately see that this might very well be in our future to do. He advised with four failed IUI’s under my belt the likely hood of an all injectable cycle making that much of a difference is slim but worth a shot. The injectables should help with my lining, which is a plus. I also asked him about a laparoscopy which he advised that although it might be covered by insurance it really would not benefit Tom or myself in our path to parenthood. I show no signs of endo, my tubes are clear, and my biopsy came back normal. He said that if I do have endo it would be so minimal and since there is not obstructions that it really wouldn’t be what he suggests to do because the scarring from any removal of endo could be worse then the endo itself. I am still on the fence about this, but am comfortable moving on with one to two injectable + IUI cycles first before doing a laparoscopy and then pursuing IVF.

So my plan this cycle is to do more low impact exercise on a regular basis, begin our first ever injectable + IUI cycle, keep praying and hoping for a different outcome and when life starts feeling gloomy I will continue distracting myself with two things (other then my hubby) yummy Peach Mango Passion sherbet from Publix and the Outlander book series (I highly recommend both).

Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe. ~ Gail Devers

Same Old Same Old...

In two days I will be able to test yet again to see if this my sixth medicated, fourth IUI cycle has worked. I hate to say it but I am just so pessimistic about it - since it hasn't worked before, and this time I had only made one follicle, and my lining was just a little over 7mm I just cannot fathom that this cycle has worked. Unfortunately every medicated cycle I get the blues the few days before I am able to test.

Our next step (once this cycle is a confirmed bust), will be a laparoscopy to rule out endometriosis (which I have begged and begged my doctor to do just for peace of mind since he is convinced that there is no possible way that I have endo) followed by two more IUI's before we consider financing an IVF. It is so scary to think how far we have been with nothing to show for it and now how close we are to beginning the next stage in treatments and at the same time IVF is the end of the line for us, if it doesn't work I am not sure how we will handle not having our own biological children and me not ever being able to experience pregnancy. I try not to think of this, and still like to imagine being pregnant, feeling the movement of OUR child stirring inside of me, and dreaming of what characteristics of each other will be passed down to our baby - this is what gets me through the day - HOPE...

There is hope in dreams, imagination, and in the courage of those who wish to make those dreams a reality ~Jonas Salk

Busy Bee

I have been trying to keep busy this cycle off while waiting for the cyst to go away, during my time away from blogging...

Tom and I went away for a long weekend to Palm Coast for our 3rd year anniversary. It was fantastic and definitely nice to get away from everything at home and focus on each other without the stress of everyday life. I am not saying that we needed to reconnect but it was absolutely incredible to focus on our love for each other, rather then constantly thinking of our next step with infertility.

However our mind couldn't slip away that long from our journey with infertility. We attended an IVF seminar that our RE's office has each month. We learned quite a bit and overall we were both excepting of this as being a possible next step as well as having a bit of anxiety about it all. If we had IVF coverage with our insurance I know that it would be a much easier step for us to take, however the financial burden is very scary.

Besides his medical office our RE also has a charity organization that gives away 3 IVF cycles a year. We submitted our application yesterday (it was due today). It took me two weeks to get all of the necessary information together and it was definitely the hardest letter that I had ever and will possible ever write. I wanted it to be perfect and in a lot of ways I feel like I was trying to put all of the effort and emotion of the last two years into a letter (without writing a novel). I didn’t expect for it to take an emotional toll on me as it did, but let’s face it - this one letter/application can be life changing. I am still not sure that I conveyed our message and desire to have a child as much as I wanted to in the letter. We will be anxiously waiting until the fall to find out if we have been chosen.

Currently we are waiting for AF to arrive so that we can begin our next cycle, and hopefully not need the grant after all!

Submitting yourself to positive distraction is like a nap for your soul ~Unknown

Stupid Cyst

On Thursday, Tom and I went in for our cd2 Ultrasound. Unfortunately, I have a substantial cyst on my right ovary. So we will not be having fertility treatment this cycle. For those of you not familiar with corpus luteums cysts here is some information :

An ovarian cyst is a collection of fluid within the ovary that is surrounded by a thin wall. Many types of ovarian cysts exist, and many do not exhibit any symptoms. Ovarian cysts can be small or large in size but usually range from pea-sized to grapefruit-sized.

Most ovarian cysts are harmless and benign. They can occur in women of any age but most often affect women who are in their childbearing years. Some ovarian cysts can rupture, bleed or cause pain and may need to be removed through surgery.

One type of ovarian cyst is the corpus luteum cyst. A corpus luteum cyst occurs when an egg is released from the follicle. Usually this type of ovarian cyst is found during a pregnancy ultrasound or during a routine pelvic exam.
Corpus Luteum Cyst in Pregnancy & Conception
Corpus luteum cysts form after an egg is released from the follicle, which then releases the hormones progesterone and estrogen that prepare the body for pregnancy. If no pregnancy occurs, the corpus luteum will most likely break down and disappear on its own.

Women who are on birth control pills usually do not form corpus luteum cysts, as birth control pills prevent ovulation.

If pregnancy does occur with a corpus luteum cyst in existence, the pregnancy will most likely not be prevented or impeded in any way. In fact, certain fertility drugs that induce ovulation actually increase the appearance of corpus luteum cysts.
Symptoms of Corpus Luteum Cysts
A corpus luteum cyst is typically round and fluid-filled, ranging in size from 2 centimeters to 6 centimeters or more in diameter.

Most often, corpus luteum cysts will not cause any symptoms. They will occur at the end of a women's menstrual cycle, last into the early stages of pregnancy and then slowly resolve themselves without complication or treatment by the time the second trimester arrives.

However, in some cases a corpus luteum cyst may expand by filling with blood or liquid and attach itself to the ovary. The corpus luteum cyst may still exhibit no symptoms, but in some cases may grow, bleed or twist the ovary. This may cause pain in the pelvis or the abdomen and may require surgery.

Corpus luteum cysts also have the potential to rupture, which would cause sudden and sharp pain and some internal bleeding.

Women with corpus luteum cysts should not be concerned unless extreme pain or bleeding occurs. Most symptoms are mild or non-existent. However, if you experience serious symptoms, seek emergency care.

In most cases of corpus luteum cysts, everyday activities can still be maintained and the woman's life will not be affected. Some medical professionals may recommend avoiding sex until the corpus luteum cyst has resolved itself, because sex may cause a corpus luteum cyst to rupture.

Discussing any questions or concerns with a medical professional is the best way to understand a corpus luteum cyst and to be aware of any activities that you should or should not be doing.

The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it. ~ Moliere

Another cycle bites the dust...

I didn't want to keep you all in suspense I tested this evening after work, it was .... NEGATIVE (again). I had Tom read the results I just couldn't bare to see it for myself although I new what the outcome would be -this amongst many other times in the same situation I wish that I were wrong.

Tom and I are going to continue with IUI's until we find out for sure what is going on with his company's closure which is supposed to be in the end of June - this seems like the most financially responsible thing for us to do. Our office has an IVF seminar each month so I believe that we might attend it this month, we would like to educate ourselves in case this is what God has planned for us in our journey to parenthood. I hope it doesn't come down to it but I would like us to be prepared anyhow.

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength ~Unknown

I am back...

I know I have been MIA but please don’t send out the search party just yet. I have been super busy and apologize for not keeping you all updated on our journey! Here is a not so quick update on me, and where we are now in trying to conceive…

So I believe I left off in November. The day after Thanksgiving my good friend and co-worker passed away. It was a terrible accident and earth is definitely missing an angel. She was the most compassionate person I have ever had the privilege of knowing, she loved everyone she knew and profoundly touched our lives.

Between the holidays and the grieving of the loss of my friend we decided to take a few cycles off and start fresh in 2009. It was definitely the right thing to do, the month of December is a blur of crying and faking smiles while celebrating the holidays.

A couple cycles had past and 2009 arrived – back to the RE. I was greeted at my first appointment of the New Year by Milton McNichol – Dr. Trolice’s new partner. It was probably the oddest thing to meet someone while lying on a table naked from the waist down (besides a sheet) and go from shaking their hand to allowing them to perform a vaginal ultrasound. Anyhow, Dr McNichols continued where Dr. T had left off – 50mg of Clomid starting on CD3 for five days with 3 shots of Menopur and back for blood work and a follie scan in a week. When I returned a week later (cd9), disappointedly it was Dr. McNichol yet again. He had issues with the ultrasound machine and at first stated that I had too many follies to proceed, then decided against that and said I didn’t have too many but my lining was much too thin to proceed with an IUI (it was a 4), and after deliberating with himself he decided to cancel the cycle because he believed that although I could wait a few days for my lining to thicken by that time I would have too many mature follies to proceed. (I was later called and told my E2 was 1004) So we would just have to have timed intercourse and pray that it would work. Disappointed, I left the office and waited a couple weeks for AF to arrive.

That brings us to this cycle. I called Dr. T’s office and requested that I only be seen by Dr. T from now on. On my cd3 visit Dr. T changed my meds to Tamoxifen (yes the chemotherapy drug normally used for breast cancer patients) instead of clomid and continued me with the booster shots of Menopur for this cycle. He believed that the Tamoxifen would improve my lining. I returned for my follie scan and blood work on CD 9 (Tuesday, February 17th). This time around my lining was an 8.5, I had three follies – two at 12mm and one at 16mm, my E2 was 405. This is the thickest my lining has ever been, before this 6 (which is the bare minimum) is the thickest I have ever been able to achieve. Everything looked good to go, I had another Menopur shot the next day (Wednesday), Thursday I had my trigger (Ovidrel) shot. Friday morning, the day of our IUI, rolled around. Dr. T was at the hospital that day and we knew we would have Dr. McNichol perform our IUI. Dr McNichol took what seemed like F-O-R-E-V-E-R to insert the catheter, Tom said it didn’t seem that long but when its your legs that are spread it’s a different story and believe me it took a lot longer then Dr. T had ever taken. I had a lot of cramping that weekend, which I have never had cramping after an IUI before… so I am hoping that it’s a good sign. This Friday, March 6th, 2009 we will be able to find out if this cycle did the trick. I am praying, and trying to stay positive without getting my hopes up. I have no symptoms or side effects at all, and although part of me wonders if that means something good or if it means exactly what it feels like – nothing, only time will tell for sure.

On a personal note in our journey, both Tom and I on separate occasions have had our own infertility breakdown since my last blog. Tom’s was first; bless his heart. We were at his Uncle’s 50th birthday party. Three of Tom’s cousins who are either in their early twenties or late teens and all unmarried were there with either a baby bump or their newborn babies. He was very upset and angry at our circumstance while sitting and watching all of the new parents who seem to take it all for granted. Mine was just last week, a day after our IUI. We were at my in-law’s house for Tom’s step father’s birthday party. At first I was fine, most of the time I can push any feelings I have aside. On that night however things were different, I had to excuse myself from the party and spend the rest of the night upstairs. Although his was mostly anger and I was a crying mess through mine we somehow persevered we were there to support each other, and I believe we are stronger in the end, stronger as a couple and individuals facing this thing called infertility.

On a happier note today is Tom and I’s third year wedding anniversary. I never thought that on our third anniversary we would be childless and facing infertility. However here we sit, learning from the obstacles on our journey to becoming parents. I know that God has given me my perfect soul mate in Tom, I couldn’t ask for a better man to spend my life with.

I can’t change the destination of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to reach my destination. ~Jimmy Dean