Hope at the End of a Dark Tunnel.

Yesterday afternoon I decided to take a home pregnancy test. Normally AF (Aunt Flow) arrives 14dpo (days past ovulation) and yesterday was day 13, I hadn’t started spotting like I normally do 7-8dpo so it was time to test, I couldn’t take it anymore. So before going to dinner with our friends I decided to take a HPT (home pregnancy test); bad idea it was negative. Needless to say I was and still am crushed. Of course the other little voice in my head said maybe it was still too early to test, maybe you diluted your urine with all of the water you drank, maybe just maybe the test is wrong. Either way I was still quite upset and it turned my mood sour. My husband apologized like he always does after a negative test; I took a deep breath and continued to get ready for dinner. Before we got to the restaurant we went into a book store that is in the entertainment complex that the restaurant was in, and found a book (Stori Telling, the Tori Spelling biography) that I have been looking everywhere for. Little things can pick my spirit up fast, and reading will definitely take your mind off whatever is plaguing you so it was a win-win! At the restaurant you can only be seated when your entire party is there. So while waiting for one of the couples to arrive that was stuck in traffic, I was able to talk to one of our good friends who also had infertility problems and are now blessed with a beautiful 11 month old daughter and one on the way. They also did the IUI route and it worked for them - they give me hope. She asked if I had tested yet this cycle and I told her that yes it was negative. So we started discussing her treatments and success. My friend told me that the month she conceived her daughter with IUI she was at the end of her rope, they had just started the adoption process and didn’t think the IUI was going to work. So she prayed to God that she would do everything she needed to do to get pregnant and now she was leaving it up to him, and her faith in him on the outcome. She was tired of crying whenever she saw a negative and knew that although it crushed her it was all in God’s plan for her. Whatever road God wanted her to take to have a child she was going to take, whether it be a biological child of her own or adoption. That month she found out she was pregnant with Miss Delaney. She of course said that hind site is twenty-twenty and at the time she didn’t know if that is why she was able to get pregnant that month but now looking back she is sure of it. On the way home my husband I were talking about our friends and how it was nice to know people that have been through what we are going through now. I decided that she was right, and it isn’t because it is what they thought made it possible for them to conceive her daughter that month. They were right because although I try not to get my hopes up I still do, they were correct because I feel helpless at times after doing everything that we can to get pregnant and we aren’t. Although I know that God has a plan for everyone and everything happens for a reason, and while I pray to God for him to bless us with a child I had never prayed to him letting him know that I leave our fate in his hands with faith in him to bring us on the perfect path for my husband and I. So although I know that I will still obsess over the fact that today is 14dpo and I still haven’t started my period and haven’t even started spotting, I know that I cannot change the outcome of each cycle. It is what it is and I have faith that if I do everything in my power to get pregnant that the Lord will one day bless us with a child of our own.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. ~Proverbs 3:5-6