Things to be Thankful for...

This has been the most difficult year of my life. Other then my constant battle with infertility; my Mother and Grandfather were both diagnosed with cancer this year (4 surgeries between them) and my Great-grandmother broke her hip. I feel like most of this year has been spent in Doctors offices and hospitals. However, I know that God doesn't give us more then we can handle and although my cup runneth over with difficulties, what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger, right?!? When you have so many things that can ruin your day and weigh heavy on your mind it is easy to forget the blessings in your life. So in the spirit of the upcoming holiday I wanted to list the things that I am thankful for -

1. My husband, who is not just my soul mate & my bestfriend but my partner in crime; he is always there with a shoulder to cry on when I need one, I can always count on him for an honest opinion and he helps me find my strength when I do not think I have any left. ~ And for recently not only surprising me with the last three books in the twilight series but for also taking me to see Twilight even though he was only the 10th hetero man in the audience and the third oldest (I thought I would add this since I know he reads my blogs and because I wanted to share that this kind of selfless behavior is why he is the greatest husband in the world)

2. My family, because even when they are loud and/or embarassing, they have made me who I am today and I love them.

3. Friends, because they are the family that you choose. I know that know mater how many days we go without talking because our lives get busy that they are just one call away.

4. My Furbaby Austin, because even when he is being annoying or hyper he will always be my first baby.

6. I am thankful for my home. This year there are many people filing foreclosure and are homeless this holiday season. Although our house is older and in need of some repairs, it is our warm and cozy home.

7. I am thankful for the fact that both my Husband and I are employed and have health insurance. Sometimes, neither of us are happy with the work that we do but we do have a paycheck coming in and that is something to be incredibly thankful for.

8. Lastly I am thankful for being an American and living in a Country where although I did not vote for our newly elected president - I as a woman was able to vote, have fertility treatment available to me and am able to worship my God freely.

Not how we say our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our Thanksgiving ~ W.T. Purkiser

Holiday Wishes

The holidays are quickly approaching, my favorite time of the year. Cool weather, eggnog and hot cocoa, houses and trees trimmed in lights, shopping (I am not going to lie) and spending time with loved ones. After all it is supposed to be the happiest time of the year - magical, the time when anything can happen, dreams come true, no matter how big or small.

It doesn’t matter if it’s part of your letter to Santa, the sight of the very first star of the night or a shooting star, if it’s during your nightly prayers, when forwarding annoying wish granting emails, before throwing a penny into a well, or when you are blowing out your birthday candles; no matter the occasion couples with infertility know exactly what they are wishing for. Like the wish itself is engraved into our hearts there is never a question or a pause as to what the wish will be, a constant repeating whisper the wish is always at the tip of our tongues waiting for the opportunity to be freed from our thoughts into God’s waiting ears…

It’s difficult not to think of what we were doing last year for the holidays, and unfortunately we are in almost the same position as were last year wanting the same thing for Christmas. We were at the time just starting to see the OBGYN fearing a problem, even then never had a doubt in our minds that we wouldn’t have a child this time of year, it is what got me through the holiday season last year. However here I sit a year later, contemplating my next IUI and/or speaking to the doctor about more testing.

This cycle has been a nice break for us. Although I hate that I had a cancelled cycle because of a cyst, I think it was a blessing in disguise. I have been doing some research during this cycle off. I have found some interesting things regarding different types of IUI’s and am planning on asking Dr. T’s opinion on them. One is a FSP (fallopian tube sperm perfusion) this is almost exactly like an IUI except they use more of the solution, a longer catheter and release the sperm into the fallopian tubes. The study on the FSP has had mixed results. Some show no significant difference in success rates; others show that FSP works better for unexplained couples (BINGO?!?). I don’t think it will hurt to ask Dr. T’s opinion as well as do some more research on this myself. Another thing on my mind is what Dr. T said at one of our first appointments - that a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis was not necessary as long as my tubes were open and there weren’t any signs during the hysteroscopy or HSG. However I found that I do have some of the symptoms and that endometriosis is sometimes confused/misdiagnosed for IBS which is what I was diagnosed with at age 11 (the age I started my first menstruation). I honestly feel like we are all missing something that could be the underlying cause of our infertility. I really would like to have ALL of my medical records sent to Dr. T to look over.

Because of the holidays we are also discussing skipping our next cycle. Although, we know that inevitably it would mean another cycle without getting pregnant - a cycle that we could have had medical help with I am not sure I can handle a failed medicated cycle during the holidays. Unless you have experienced it yourself, you have no idea how much more it hurts to have a failed medicated cycle then one where you try on your own. I do not want to fake a smile during Christmas or New Years; I would like to be genuinely happy and if at all possible without a dark cloud hovering over the season. Besides who is to say we won’t have our little Christmas miracle of our own after all?

Dreams are like stars…you may never touch them but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny.

Super Tuesday

If you haven't done so already... Do not forget to vote!

"Ask not what your Country can do for you... Ask what you can do for your Country!" ~John F Kennedy

A story too close to home...

Today while checking the local news online I came across this story...

Deputies: Mother Suffocated Newborn
Baby Found In Trash
POSTED: 10:10 am EST November 3, 2008

FOUNTAIN, Fla. -- A Florida Panhandle woman suffocated her newborn and threw his body in the trash, Bay County sheriff's investigators said.
Stephanie Collins, 26, concealed her pregnancy from family and friends, deputies said.
Collins gave birth late Saturday, killed the baby and then dumped him in the trash, deputies said. The body was found by her grandmother.
Deputies said Collins had a previous abortion and didn't want to have another. She has a 9-year-old son. Detectives said she will be charged with murder.
Under Florida's Safe Baby Act, Collins could have left the baby at a hospital, fire station or other state-designated place within three days without fear of prosecution.
Investigators said Collins knew about the law but decided to "stick with her original plan."

Stories like this have always and will hit hard with me. However dealing with infertility things like this throw me over the edge, it infuriates me to tears. I desperately try not to question God, and do believe that everything happens for a reason. I have even come to terms with my infertility not being the fault of Tom, Myself or God. However I cannot for the life of me understand how on earth a woman could do this, why was she blessed with a child yet there are so many couples that would be the best parents in the world who have infertility. I just cannot comprehend why this had to happen and why whoever needed to learn a lesson from this had to learn in this manner - why did a helpless baby have to suffer? So many childless couples search out babies to adopt and this baby didn't have to be any different - it could have been adopted by a wonderful loving family and could have had a terrific life. Unfortunately instead the few minutes the child had lived was spent suffering struggling to survive and at the hand of his own mother. This woman is the lowest life form imaginable, she should have never had the priveledge of having the name "Mommy". I know that it's not my place to question God's plans and I hate this woman for making me do so. The only comfort I have is knowing that this child will no longer suffer as he plays among the angels in heaven.

In the same light this makes me remember what a friend I made over on the TTC board on thenest.com said that I hold close to my heart whenever I feel this way "we must have some AMAZING babies coming in the future...because satan wouldn't be working so hard to keep them out of this world!!"

A new cycle with a cyst...

After being mad and discouraged after this past failed cycle I went over and over in my head if I wanted to take a cycle off or not. Well Tom and I sat down and discussed and agreed to continue treatment this cycle. I went to my baseline ultrasound this past Monday. Well I have a considerably good size cyst on my right ovary. Dr.T said its up to me but he suggests not using medical intervention this cycle because our chances of conceiving are lower because of the cyst... but of course that we could continue to try on our own this cycle. For some strange reason it was a huge relief for me. I haven't realized how much pressure I have felt that I was under since starting the treatment. I am looking forward to taking this cycle off and getting back to basics.

We might even be able to conceive on our own - what a concept, I am constantly reminding myself that most people do conceive the old fashioned way! I found a couple things online that I want to give a whirl. One is a Mayan abdominal massage, being a licensed massage therapist I looked into it and found alot of credible information regarding this massage. I am going to try and do a self massage daily but am also currently searching for an LMT in the area that has gotten the creditation for this specific massage. I am also going to try Castor Oil packs. Apparently you get a piece of cotton like an old t-shirt pretty damp with the castor oil and then apply it to your abdomen, next you cover it with a piece of plastic like a shoping bag, then a towel and ont top of that a heating pad. You are supposed to do it at least 30 minutes daily for 3-5 days a week (but not 5 days before AF or during AF). Its *supposed* to help with cysts as well as detox your liver, uterus and fallopian tubes. I am also drinking green tea again and will probably add raspberry leaf tea on Sunday.

Mayan god of Fertility

Today is Halloween. Tom and I are going to watch scary movies and hand out candy to all of the cute trick or treaters. We were invited to a halloween party and although I am feeling rejuvinated this cycle I would rather not be around a bunch of people let alone their kids.

Tomorrow I am going to use my gift certificate that my incredible husband purchased for me 7 months ago for our anniversary - yes I am a slack ass. I am looking forward to being pampered tomorrow with a facial, mani + pedi and eyebrow waxing. It's so nice to have a cycle off to be normal without all of the pills and shots. Who knows all of this extra homeopathic remedies and a month off might just do the trick :) Wish us luck!


Viatality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Ranting of an Infertile

Do not read this entry if you are trying to stay optimistic!

So after getting yet another negative this cycle, I cried, it was the first time that I have cried this entire time TTC. I didn’t just cry - waterworks that could have been easily misconstrued as the Niagara Falls fell from my face for a good two hours. It was also the first time that my husband was visibly angry and hurt by infertility. Although we are unexplained and technically not being able to reproduce so far is neither one of our faults I felt like it was my body that was being defiant and sometimes I feel as if I am letting him down and am taking our dream away. I could imagine how it would be hard for a Fertile Myrtle to understand mourning over something you never had to lose in the first place. However other girls who also have trouble trying to conceive know the feeling, its not that you are sad about what could have been its more of what might never be. You have to go through so many emotions during a month which in retrospect is a very short time. Try putting those up and down months into a year or more. It takes a toll on your mental and physical well being fast. I feel as if I have turned into a two year old throwing a tantrum on the floor of a toy store. “It just isn’t fair – Why us?” Since I was a little girl with curls carrying a baby doll every where I went – I knew I was meant to be a mother, to have a family. So in a lot of ways I just can’t give up on a dream I have had for as long as I can remember being. I can still imagine what it will be like, I can picture me being pregnant, having Tom hold my hand through labor, seeing our babies for the first time, watching them sleep, the first day of school, learning how to drive, their first date, their first apartment. I can see it all everything except two lines on a pregnancy test. This cycle has somehow changed our view on infertility ‘when’ has officially as hard as it is to swallow became ‘if’. I never imagined in a million years that we might never have the chance to have children of our own. We have talked about kids since we moved in together 7 years ago - it was always “when we have children…” I can’t believe our dreams might be taken away from us. I am mad, sad & confused - optimism just went out the window.

Tomorrow I go in for my beta to make sure that the home pregnancy test was accurate. When I get the official results back we will discuss next cycle. This cycle seemed so perfect to us, we can’t imagine a better cycle except one that will end in a big fat positive. Now we begin to think what didn’t we do that would have helped make it work, what can we do this cycle that we didn’t last, what did we forget? Ultrasound, Pills, Injections, Sex (yes we still have sex – somehow that seems to be a question lately), Ultrasound + blood work, another injection, IUI, suppositories and waiting. It seems so much more then the average couple who can just have sex to produce another living breathing being. Part of me thinks of the miracle of reproducing and how something so spectacular takes time to produce, but then I see a pregnant teenager in a store, horrible stories of child abuse on the news, and it brings me back to reality even morons can reproduce, but we might never be able to – and then I turn into the two year old again.

We fall so that we can learn how to pick ourselves up again!

Will Return at a Later Time

I hope to be back to my normal self soon... but until then I wanted to let you know where I will be. Due to the negative pregnancy test viewed this morning on 13dpiui I will be away at my very own Pity Party!

One week down another to go…

I just wanted to pop in give a quick update. I am 9dpiui and have 5 days until I can take a HPT or the beta in a week. At this point I am still patiently waiting to test. I am still thinking fertile as Dr. T says and honestly I have my hopes up but I do not “feel” one way or the other – I still have no clue what the test will say in a week.

I have been doing fairly well in keeping up with the pact I made with myself in avoiding everything and anything that could cause stress. It has been difficult not getting worked up over morons that I tend to have to speak to on the phone daily if not multiple times a day because of my job. Deep breaths seem to do the trick!


I am on the prescription of progesterone, as apposed to the compound form last cycle I am now on the yellow prometrium capsules. I am definitely feeling more side effects but thankfully I am not having the reaction I did last cycle. It still isn’t the best feeling or thing in the world but I am dealing with it nicely this cycle.


Other then that I am so deeply addicted to a series of books called Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. I am not much of a reader, and normally it could take me months to finish a novel. Well this book has captivated me so much that I have read 2 ½ Books in two weeks. The second book I actually read in one day… and have now started pacing myself, since there are only 4 books left in the series. The movie comes out next month so I will be dragging my husband (hopefully not kicking and screaming) to see it with me. If you aren’t much of a reader but want to try it out the first copy is only 10 bucks in paperback and is definitely worth a try in my honest opinion. It has really helped take the edge off of this two week wait! Anything that can do that (since I am completely obsessed with over analyzing every symptom normally) deserves a cookie or a Dewey button. On a side note the baseball playoffs have helped my husband take his mind off of this cycle although I can’t say that it has helped him stay de-stressed! So all and all we have done pretty good in keeping our mind active this cycle and hopefully it will pay off in the end with a BFP!

We wander for distraction… We travel for fulfillment ~ Hillaire Bolloc

Thinking "Fertile" while patiently waiting for our Miracle

Time to catch up on this cycle’s blogging.

Last Thursday I did my first injection of menopur. Tom was at his softball game so I video taped myself administering the shot. I thought it would be a great idea, so that Tom could witness the first shot and since I am a baby around needles it would be a terrific idea to have something to get my mind off of sticking a nice size needle into my stomach. However I can’t say that it went off without a hitch, I couldn’t get the meds back into the syringe, I some how managed to get a vacuum so when I would pull the syringe back the vacuum would send the meds back into the vial. I had to call the on call nurse who helped me fix the problem. She said that she had never had that problem before, but I knew that it was my luck since I was home alone and this was my first injection. Tom did my second dose menopur shot on Saturday night and my trigger shot Monday night. He did an awesome job and it didn’t hurt too badly either, I couldn’t believe how fast he was compared to when I gave it to myself.
Monday morning I had my follie scan and E2. I had four good size follies; 20, 16, 15 & 13 mm and some smaller ones that were under 10mm. My E2 (estrogen) came back at 814, and my lining was an 8. I was all set to have my trigger shot that night and an IUI on Wednesday. I am so excited to have 4 follies this cycle, Dr. T. said that 4 would be the most he would proceed with so I wanted those four and I did it exactly. The nurse said that because I have 4 follies we have a chance of multiples this cycle. If we have a chance at multiples we have an even better chance of at least one healthy beautiful baby.
Yesterday (10/8/08) was our IUI. Tom had to be in at 8:30 to give his sample and I had to be back at 10 for the IUI. Dr. T went over our file and said that everything looked great for this cycle, Tom had 48 million post wash this cycle (last cycle he had 39 million). Tom stayed with me sitting on a chair next to the stirrups during the IUI. I am so grateful to have him with me during the IUI's it makes me feel like at least he is there for the first stages of our soon to be child's life since we are not able to do it the old fashioned way. Dr. T even asked if Tom wanted to do the the IUI (after he inserted the catheter - all Tom would have to do was push the plunger on the syringe in) Tom declined - that is why we are paying Dr. T the big bucks! We are hoping that the extra 9 million sperm and 2 more eggs will be the extra boost we need to have our baby. Dr. T told me to “keep fertile thoughts” which I found ironic since this month I have been trying and succeeding on keeping positive thoughts. I had to stop by the pharmacy on the way out of the office to pick up my new prescription of progesterone. The pharmacist – always friendly asked if I was pregnant because of the prescription dose that I was getting. It was very strange to have someone ask me if I was pregnant, at first I was kind of upset and said “no” quickly but then as I was leaving I was excited thinking that possibly one day soon my bloat from all of the meds would actually be a baby bump and I would be able to say happily “yes”. This is going to be a long two weeks!
We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness. ~Unknown

Something New

This cycle we are starting a new regimen, we are adding a couple injections to our cycle. The new drug is called Menopur it is the only FDA approved drug based solely on pregnancy rates! Some women take this instead of Clomid but we are in Dr.T’s words adding it in “baby steps”. So from day 3-7 I will be taking Clomid at night, and on day 6 & 8 I will take an injection of Menopur. I will not be taking Estrogen Suppositories like I did last month though, the injections are supposed to also help with my lining. I am pretty nervous about giving myself the first injection on Thursday; Tom has a softball game that night so I am on my own. I loathe needles, so it should be pretty interesting giving myself an injection – what us women do to have babies! On Monday I have my first follie scan which will be CD10, we are hoping to achieve our goal of 4 healthy follies and our ultimate goal of a positive beta!
Information on Menopur: www.ferringfertility.com/medications/menopur/

Willie Nelson said “Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones you’ll start having positive results.” I am going to live by this theory this month & try to avoid anything negative at all costs. It will be interesting to try and stay positive and stress free. I think it will not only be great for my body and our baby making capabilities but also my soul. I believe in thinking positively and unfortunately it’s hard to stay optimistic while going through IF not just because of disappointments but also because of unknowing what the future holds. Last month I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up that I became a little bitter and very pessimistic; which does nothing for a person. So this month I am trying to live by my own rules and those of the great Willie Nelson and enjoy life, appreciate what I have, and think positively toward the future. So save your drama for your Mama and leave your crap at the door.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty ~ Winston Churchill

All Aboard the IF Rollercoaster

Here we go again yet another nose dive. Every day more then the last I am ready to get off of this ride. This is definitely not an exhilarating, hands in the air while laughing ride, nope it’s more like a haunted house version of “It’s a small world”. So this Sunday morning (12dpiui) I decided to take yet another pregnancy test. There it was staring back at me another stark white test that was all too familiar of a sight. It is probably the strangest thing how all of your hopeful thoughts about IF are still there but once you see a negative test all of those good feelings just get pushed to the back of your head, waiting there until the next cycle until you can scrounge them up again. I knew before I took the test that it was going to be negative, call it ESP, women’s intuition, or just being intune with your body but this entire cycle I ‘knew” that the first IUI didn’t work. I laid there in bed arguing with myself about taking the test. I knew that the negative would hurt no matter if I already knew what that’s what it was going to be or not, but I thought if I didn’t take the test I would be kicking myself all day wondering or not if the test was positive – and it’s so hard for me to hold my pee for 4 hours. So I did it and it hurt worse then I imagined it would. I *try* not to think about it… I try to be numb to the situation but when you invest so much into something you want so deeply it’s so hard not to get upset. So tomorrow I will call Dr. T’s office and see if they still want me to come in for a blood pregnancy test or if I can just schedule my next baseline u/s once my period starts and the IF cycle roller coaster will start at the beginning yet again.

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Carl Bard

A New Perspective

I believe that you fall so that you can learn how to pick yourself up. The journey of infertility has opened my eyes to so many things on different levels. Infertility treatment, meds and schedules are like second nature to me now and are just a part of my everyday life - as crazy as it sounds this has become my “normal”. It is incredible to think that we are given an amazing ability to create life out of “thin air”. When you are going through infertility you forget how easy it is supposed to be. Since our path of trying to conceive has led us to a doctor’s office and treatment; I am now in awe when I hear that a couple is able to get pregnant on their own after only a month or two of “trying” and especially when it was an “oops”. It seems to me that something as miraculous as the creation of another human being is nothing short of amazing and should take some time, hope, prayers, maybe even science and definitely a lot of love. I am not sure why God has chosen my husband and I as one of the unfortunate couples who require medical intervention to become parents, I have stopped asking myself and God those questions. I do believe however that waiting not only makes you hope more and pray harder it teaches you to have patience; disappointment makes you appreciate the great things already in your life; suffering teaches you compassion and understanding. I know that all of these things will make us better parents, so although infertility was not a path Tom and I chose for ourselves we will learn from our journey while we look toward our destination because I know that it is possible and one day we will have our own little bundle of miracle.

Learn from yesterday, Live for Today and Hope for Tomorrow ~ Albert Einstein

Waiting yet again...

I am sorry I have been such a horrible blogger this past week. On Friday (CD9) I had a disappointing visit at Dr T’s for my follie scan. I had a U/S a.k.a. the vag cam and found out that my uterine lining was only a 6 (needs to be an 8 or higher to proceed with IUI) and my two follies were 16&17mm. Therefore I needed to continue my estrogen suppositories until Monday for yet another follie scan. Needless to say I was confused and let down – last time on CD12 it was too late I couldn’t have an IUI, My husband I were so worried that if we waited until CD12 we would be in the same boat as last cycle plus we would have to pay for another ultrasound out of pocket. However what could we do we are not doctors and we sure couldn’t do an IUI ourselves. So we waited… On Monday Dr. T wasn’t in so they had a RN do my follie scan. My lining was an ELEVEN! I couldn’t believe that it had almost doubled since Friday it had only been three days. I am not sure if it was the estrogen suppositories, the red raspberry leaf tea or all of the prayers but it didn’t matter whatever it was it worked and I was relieved. My follies were 22.5 & 23mm I was able to trigger that morning and get the IUI. I was so ecstatic. I was so excited to call Tom and let him know that it was on for Tuesday we could finally get the IUI! I really wanted Tom to be there for the transfer so we both decided to take the day off and be bums on the couch for the rest of the day, I knew that it wasn’t necessary to take the day off of work but with all of the time, energy and money invested into ever cycle I wanted to make sure I was doing everything in my power to get pregnant. So Tuesday came, after Tom gave his sample at 8 we went to breakfast – it seemed like it took forever, but we were even able to return earlier then our scheduled time for the insemination at 9:30. After we were led back into our room, Tom sat next to me and looked at me with a nervous grin. I knew he felt the same way that I did – we couldn’t believe our lives have brought us here having to have meds and an insemination to be able to get pregnant. Dr. T came in and said that everything looked fantastic with Tom’s sperm – 73million pre wash and 39million post wash with 96% mobility. Dr. T told us to have nothing but positive thoughts and that he would see me back in two weeks for my beta (blood test to see if I am pregnant). I laid there for a good 15 minutes before getting up and dressed– the beginning of my two week wait had officially started.

A great informative slide show relating to a women’s cycle with ovulation induced meds: http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/advancedtreatments/ovulationinduction/cycle.jsp


All human wisdom is summed up into two words – wait and hope. ~ Alexandre Dumas Pere

I WILL have what she is having

Babies in Hollywood seem to be the newest accessory next to miniature dogs in purses; you are not even able to purchase a gallon of milk at the grocery store without seeing the pregnant celebrities and their new babies plastered on the front covers of all the newest tabloids. I have decided that pregnancy in Hollywood is like an epidemic & I would like to take a trip to LA to partake in some of their water or maybe a decaf mocha latte from their local Starbucks in hopes of catching my own baby bump! Hmm now I just have to find the funds that I am not already spending on fertility treatments and convince my hubby that we need a trip to the west coast.

I can’t adjust the direction of the winds, but I can adjust my sails to reach my destination ~ Jimmy Dean

I’ve Got High Hopes

Today is CD2 (Cycle Day) of our 18th cycle trying to conceive. I had my appointment this morning with Dr T, for my baseline U/S (ultra sound). Dr T apologized for last cycle not working and asked how Tom and I were managing things emotionally… I told him we were okay and that while we had some hope we knew that it might not work the first try with clomid especially since we weren’t able to do the IUI. So Dr.T. proceeded with the ultrasound, my ovaries and uterus looked great and I was given the green light to start clomid again this month. What a relief! I was secretly worried about having cysts and having to sit out this cycle. I asked him about my follicle size last month (I had a 30,25&15 on CD12) he said that he would like the follies (follicles) to be 20-22 and mine were much bigger so we will come in on CD9 for the follie scan this month and probably trigger (ovulation induction with an Ovidrel shot) that day as well so we will not miss our window for the perfect eggs to do the IUI with. Since my uterine lining was an 8.1 last month (the lining where the embryo implants) he will not do the IUI unless it’s an 8 and the thicker the better, so he also prescribed me Estrace (estrogen suppositories). However that means they had to drop me from the clomid study, which thankfully it isn’t that big of a deal since clomid is one of my cheapest meds at 15 dollars. So next Friday is my follie scan, and depending on those results we will do the trigger shot and IUI soon after.
After seeing the doctor, I was led into the “education” room with the nurse getting my calendar and instructions for this cycle. A woman in the hall shouted “It’s Twins” they were the lesbian couple that I noticed in the waiting room earlier. I might have let my outside match my insides when I heard the big announcement so it is possible that the nurse noticed, so maybe that is why she looked at me and said “Don’t worry everything looks good, last month was just practice & that will be you very soon! I just know that this is going to work for you!” Although, there is no way of her knowing that for sure it was a great feeling to have an Rn that see patients everyday & who has my chart in front of her telling ME I will be able to have that same excitement with my husband, and soon. It was a great way to end my appointment and I left feeling renewed and hopeful for this cycle!

Links to know more about the meds I will be taking this month:
Clomid - http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/clomiphene-citrate-for-infertility
Ovidrel - http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/serono/products/ovidrel/index.jsp
Estrace – http://www.webmd.com/drugs/mono-6300-ESTRADIOL+TABLET+-+VAGINAL.aspx?drugid=78021&drugname=Estradiol+Vagl
Progesterone - http://www.drugdigest.org/DD/DVH/Uses/1,3915,7353%7CProgesterone%2BVaginal%2BSuppositories%7C5308,00.html

Sometimes someone says something really small, and it just fits right into this empty place in your heart.
~ Angela Chase

Waiting to Begin

Today AF is officially two days late. As you can imagine this morning it wasn’t like I had a little voice in my head telling me to pee on a stick but an entire crowd chanting Test, Test, Test…so I did and of course it was a Big Fat NEGATIVE; even after I held it up to the light, stared at it for more then the allotted time and tilted back and forth, it couldn’t be any more stark white then it was. Unfortunately it’s a familiar sight, after this being the 17th cycle of seeing it I almost feel like I am in that movie Groundhogs Day. Most of me knew that it was going to be negative, and I prepared myself for it but a small part of me was still holding out hope that it was going to work this cycle even without the IUI. This is the first time that my cycle has gone this long but it is also my first medicated cycle and obviously clomid has made my LP (luteal phase) longer. I guess technically clomid did it’s job just not the way that I would like it to and I haven’t decided completely if clomid is my friend or a backstabbing & manipulative drug. Of course I would rather not spot before AF, and I loved having 3 follicles instead of one but I do not like how clomid tricks my mind and body into thinking that it’s pregnant and I hate how long it made this cycle. So now I am anxious to start a new fresh cycle, disappointingly I still have to wait for AF so that I can schedule a baseline ultrasound (normally day 2 or 3 of your cycle) and see if the next cycle is a "go" for more clomid and hopefully a trigger shot and IUI. I have so much faith in this upcoming cycle working; I just hope and pray that all of the emotion and time that my husband I have invested will be worth it at the end of next cycle.

I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning ~JB Priestly

Hope at the End of a Dark Tunnel.

Yesterday afternoon I decided to take a home pregnancy test. Normally AF (Aunt Flow) arrives 14dpo (days past ovulation) and yesterday was day 13, I hadn’t started spotting like I normally do 7-8dpo so it was time to test, I couldn’t take it anymore. So before going to dinner with our friends I decided to take a HPT (home pregnancy test); bad idea it was negative. Needless to say I was and still am crushed. Of course the other little voice in my head said maybe it was still too early to test, maybe you diluted your urine with all of the water you drank, maybe just maybe the test is wrong. Either way I was still quite upset and it turned my mood sour. My husband apologized like he always does after a negative test; I took a deep breath and continued to get ready for dinner. Before we got to the restaurant we went into a book store that is in the entertainment complex that the restaurant was in, and found a book (Stori Telling, the Tori Spelling biography) that I have been looking everywhere for. Little things can pick my spirit up fast, and reading will definitely take your mind off whatever is plaguing you so it was a win-win! At the restaurant you can only be seated when your entire party is there. So while waiting for one of the couples to arrive that was stuck in traffic, I was able to talk to one of our good friends who also had infertility problems and are now blessed with a beautiful 11 month old daughter and one on the way. They also did the IUI route and it worked for them - they give me hope. She asked if I had tested yet this cycle and I told her that yes it was negative. So we started discussing her treatments and success. My friend told me that the month she conceived her daughter with IUI she was at the end of her rope, they had just started the adoption process and didn’t think the IUI was going to work. So she prayed to God that she would do everything she needed to do to get pregnant and now she was leaving it up to him, and her faith in him on the outcome. She was tired of crying whenever she saw a negative and knew that although it crushed her it was all in God’s plan for her. Whatever road God wanted her to take to have a child she was going to take, whether it be a biological child of her own or adoption. That month she found out she was pregnant with Miss Delaney. She of course said that hind site is twenty-twenty and at the time she didn’t know if that is why she was able to get pregnant that month but now looking back she is sure of it. On the way home my husband I were talking about our friends and how it was nice to know people that have been through what we are going through now. I decided that she was right, and it isn’t because it is what they thought made it possible for them to conceive her daughter that month. They were right because although I try not to get my hopes up I still do, they were correct because I feel helpless at times after doing everything that we can to get pregnant and we aren’t. Although I know that God has a plan for everyone and everything happens for a reason, and while I pray to God for him to bless us with a child I had never prayed to him letting him know that I leave our fate in his hands with faith in him to bring us on the perfect path for my husband and I. So although I know that I will still obsess over the fact that today is 14dpo and I still haven’t started my period and haven’t even started spotting, I know that I cannot change the outcome of each cycle. It is what it is and I have faith that if I do everything in my power to get pregnant that the Lord will one day bless us with a child of our own.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Teeter-Tottering

The two week wait is the period of time between ovulating and being able to take a pregnancy test to see if all of your “hard work” has paid off. I am currently in this black hole of time that seems to last forever, the time in which you over analyze every little twinge that you might actually have or make up in your mind. To make it worse there is even a website (http://www.twoweekwait.com/web/) that will not just aid in your “symptoms” but add to the neurosis of this period of time in your cycle. On this website you can check to see what a positive looks like on any pregnancy test, they have many many success stories, lists of early pregnancy symptoms, blogs, boards and quizzes. Oh, yes it is fuel to the already crazy women who are trying to conceive. I normally refuse to go onto this site, I am an anxious wreck as it is, but I admit that I occasionally wander to this site during my two week wait; I wish, hope and pray that I can one day soon become one of the success stories. Throughout this horrible time in my cycle on a daily basis not only do I drive myself crazy but I am sure I drive my husband up the wall as well. I try not to get my hopes up so that if the cycle doesn’t work I won’t be totally crushed. However, if I do not get my hopes up at all it is almost as if I am so incredibly pessimistic that I somehow feel my negative thoughts will give me a negative outcome – literally. I waiver back and forth on whether this cycle worked or was another bust. On some days I am so sure that I convince myself that I am pregnant and on other days I try to focus on what to do next since I am sure this cycle "obviously" didn’t work. It’s very hard to keep your steadiness in it all. This cycle might just be the worse one on trying to keep my balance. It was my first medicated cycle, so between the side effects from the medication that mirror pregnancy symptoms (bloated, sore breasts, hot flashes and pimples) and just the extra hope that since there were three eggs instead of one that are odds are just a little better. On the other side of that if this cycle didn’t work then maybe just maybe the doctor has a better understanding of my ovulation pattern and next month we will have perfect timing. So here I sit on a surf board of confusion trying to keep my balance on the waves of the two week wait.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving ~ Albert Einstein

Camaraderie with Strangers

This morning I had to go back into see my RE, Dr. T, for more blood work since my first IUI was cancelled on Monday due to my progesterone levels and missed ovulation. While sitting in the office with the other 8 women, I began to think about how we were all there for one thing: to get pregnant. We all have an unspoken bond; we had invested all of our trust, faith and hope into one man, a doctor, to help us have a family of our own. Just sitting in the office I feel a little less alone then I do before walking into the door. I wondered if any of the other women were unexplained like me, how they deal with the everyday unknowing of infertility and what they did on their own before searching out medical treatment. I know where my husband and I have been, what we have tried on our own, how easy it is to obsess over every little twinge, temperature and timing. While going through this thing called infertility I have become very determined and obsessive over trying to have a baby. It isn’t something that I am proud of but it is the truth. I never knew that I carried this quality; I always prided myself in being an easy going person that goes with the flow, and more often than not without a plan. However when you have a goal that most people can attain so easily, it’s hard to think of yourself or anyone else having any obstacles to accomplish the same goal. Nevertheless one in six couples have been diagnosed with infertility, and this morning I had the unfortunate privilege of sitting with eight of them in a quiet waiting room of hope.

A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met. ~ Unknown

Starting From Scratch

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to start from scratch on a project that you started. I wish it were that easy with trying to conceive. When I first got off of birth control pills in February of 2007 I remember looking dearly into my husbands eyes so confidently telling him that "I feel so fertile". That seems so long ago, and at times it seems like yesterday but here we are a year and eight months later and still have not conceived. We were diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility in April of 2008; I couldn't be happier that we are healthy and everything looks as it should, however it is also a tough pill to swallow since there is not a clear cut answer on what is wrong and how to fix it. The road has been a little bumpy and sometimes we feel a little lost but it has brought us here like it or not.


I hope that this blog is not just a way for me to vent my frustrations or express my worries, but a way for other couples also dealing with unexplained infertility to not feel so alone when going down this path, I hope it makes the road we are traveling on seem a bit brighter. When seeing our reproductive specialist he asked how we dealt with the stress of life combined with infertility it was so nice to be able to honestly tell him that it has made our marriage stronger. Although at times I wonder why God has given us the challenge of Infertility I know that at the end of this journey when we have our precious baby we will have more patience and understanding then we did before starting on this chapter in our lives.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago Hoping I would find true love along the broken road But I got lost a time or two, Wiped my brow and kept pushing through I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you Every long lost dream led me to where you are Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars Pointing me on my way into your loving arms This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you ~ Rascal Flatts